DS1 getting worse with transitions...help!

[DietcokeGirl]

I have been struggling to get DS1 (3.10 ASC) to nursery for about six months now. I dread mornings it is so stressful. I think he would just rather stay at home. I have visual timetables, first and then board etc etc. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I guess Mondays is worse as it is first day back after w/end. He is fine once he gets in the room and apart from the expected few strops over things he doesn't want to do he is happy and seems to enjoy it.

He has always been up and down with bathtime but it is now a NIGHTMARE! I don't get him in most nights. No problem once he is in - stays in for ages playing happily. If I put a sponge/cloth near him it is game over. I do manage to wash him as trick him by playing games etc so he doesn't really notice.

I posted about bedtime the other week and did make some progress letting him watch a dvd in bed for a while before storytime. He is just not tired enough to go to bed at 7pm ish anymore. This worked for about a week and he was going to sleep about 8.15/8.30pm. The last few nights he has started playing up after the DVD and taking until 8.45-9.30pm to settle him.
I just don't know what to do? I don't think I am helping by letting him sleep in my bed but chose this option over him getting up in the night and coming into my bed. However, I am going insane stuck in the bedroom for 2-3 hours. We start bathtime around 6.20pm for DS2 so it's a long process!

I have put together visual timetables for morning & evening routine - he just throws them down the stairs! I did get him in bath last night - just stayed silent and showed him first and then board. After 20 mins he happily climbed in bath on his own and job done!

I have been told by autism support that he has problems with big transitions (when it's something he doesn't want to do!) and it is not uncommon at this age.

Does it get easier?! Do I need to be firm about him going back to his own bed? I don't want to keep losing it at bedtime because I am so exasperated.

I also have DS2 (20 mths) and want to make mornings/evenings a bit more calm.

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble - I am soooooo worn down by it all.

With the does it get easier, I can tell you my experience...
DS1 (AS) was terrible at transitions - he didn't just tantrum going into school, he would happily throw a tantrum for half an hour to get back out again too. By year 1 in school he tended to come out of school nicely although still problems going in, and when he started in year 2 at a new school he would go in pretty much ok - odd wobbles where head teacher dragged him in. Now in year 4 (age 8) and other than him taking an awfully long time to come out of school the tantrums don't happen.
With DS2 (4.6) who always wanted to sleep in our bed (query HFA) it is only in the last couple of months that we have finally got him to sleep in his own bed. Before that he had no motivation to do it, and star charts etc weren't enough reward as it wasn't as instant as the reward of snuggling with me. Now he has discovered that sleeping in his own bed means he can play on the CBeebies website. He still has times when he will decide that he would rather sleep in my bed than play on CBeebies, but in general is a million times better. Before this I decided not to battle on him sleeping in his own bed as we tried it many times, it led to me being shattered and not able to cope during the day without getting grumpy. Not to mention all the screaming shouting he would do in the middle of the night kept everybody else awake too.

Thanks LMG am hoping the transitions will get easier as it did for you. Fortunately, the transition from nursery to home, support session to home etc is not a problem. Did you find that your DS had problems with all transitions then or just nursery/school, things he didn't want to do?

We didn't have any real problems with DS1 until he went in a bed. He slept all night apart from when he was ill. We have gone backwards with sleeping. He would go in his own bed but came into our room every night. I kind of let him/maybe encouraged him to go to sleep in my bed as he sleeps all night then and it is less tiring for me. I would have stuck it out with taking him back to his own bed but had DS2 and to be honest I just couldn't be bothered at the time. I know I have got to do the whole making him stay in his own room thing but am so run down at the moment I can't face it.

Lenin - Yes we are hoping to start ABA soon - fingers crossed! I do try to reward (bribe!) all the time. He seems to be motivated by big rewards though - tv/dvd, trains, swimming, macdonalds - not always practical for getting him from home to nursery! He is not (I don't think) at the reward chart stage yet to build up to big reward. Am hoping ABA will really help with this. What type of things do you reward (bribe!) your DS with? Do you let your DS stay downstairs at bedtime until he is flagging? Glad you are getting somewhere with it. I don't actually mind DS1 sleeping with me, just want him to settle upstairs on his own, even if it is 8.30pm. He did fall asleep at 7.30pm one night watching the DVD - heaven - hasn't happened since!

Mumslife - it's a difficult one isn't it - so frustrating!!

I did think about taking the super relaxed approach and letting DS1 decide when he wants to go to bed but then he will be knackered and then even harder to get him to do things he doesn't want to do!

Thanks, will go back to the small stuff, eg. chocolate star if he gets dressed etc. This is the only time when I wish he would eat sweets.

I know my situation is not that bad but as I haven't been used to constant bedtime battles until last few months it is driving me insane!! Oh well, should be grateful for the 2.5 years I had when he slept thru in his cot. I am sure giving up the gro-bag didn't help as it probably made him feel more secure.

Here's to more nights in front of the tv eh!!

Dietcokegirl, have you tried staying with him in his room until he falls asleep, and then withdrawing?

I had similar to you, in that dd1 was a fab sleeper when she was little. it took unitl she was 4ish before it all went ot pot, and then boy, did it all go to pot!

we ended up having t stay with her unitl she slept - all low key, no contact, no engagement. first of all on the bed with her, then next to the bed then a little further away, etc. slowly, slowly. it didn't take long for us to be able to withdraw to the doorway of her room, but we did then get a little stuck.

but still, we had a structure and a plan, and tried ot keep chipping away at it. thank god for laptops! as I could work/MN/watch films etc while sitting there.

it has been a very long slow road for us, but finally, we do now put the girls to bed (they share a room) and come downstairs - dd1 is now 6.5.

the htign that helped me most wrt losing it, was the fact we had a plan. we knew what we were doing/where we were aiming. we worked, cm by cm, towards a goal. and once a stage had been achieved (ie outside the doorway, rather than inside the doorway) we didn't go back (unless an emergency, of course). we were, at the same time, working on getting the bedroom door closed too, and millimetre by millimetre we woudl close it a fraction more each night/week/whatever.

the aim was to get dd1 to the point of not-coping, but never tip her over the edge - always to go just as far as she coudl cope with. if she lost it, and we had to comfort her, that was a backward step. but by pushing her boundaries whenever we could, we taught her how to check things were ok (eg she owuld come to the door of the room to see we were still there) and to deal with her emotions.

re: sweets/rewards. you don't have to use sweets, or even edible rewards. dd1's current reinforcers are me patting her chest, or me telling her the time/talking about the time/clocks. use whatever is most rewarding for your ds - a word you say, a game you play; tickles; time on the computer (when possible); a favourite dvd was the reward/reinforcement for dd1 when she was toilet training - she had to do whatever stage she had got to (and we broke it right down into touching the door then opening the door, going inside the bathroom, sitting on the loo seat with lid closed and fully clothed, etc etc) before she got to watch a snippet of her would-kill-for dvd.

hi silver yes I do stay with him until he falls asleep. i have had to do this since he went in a bed. however, I can sometimes get out once he is really sleepy. the other night he actually fell asleep watching a dvd quite early (just before 7.30pm) and he slept thru until 7am. i have accepted that he is not tired at usual bedtime anymore (7 ish falling asleep 7.15 - 8pm) so have put his bedtime back. He tries to keep himself awake for as long as bloody possible! So he is jumping around the room, on the bed, doing roley poley, running and humming. I try to ignore this and not look at him, talk to him and it does work eventually (after about an hour). Sometimes, eg last night, he was almost alseep then he jumps up and starts the performance all again.

I decided the other week to let him watch a dvd in bed which did work for over a week but last few nights he has started the jumping around after the dvd, coming back downstairs, hence we back to 8.45-9.30pm. We really tired him out y/day as knew he was already exhausted but he stuck it out until 8.50pm.

I don't think he is frightened as he doesn't appear it or night wake in my bed. Do you think he maybe wants to stay up with me? When he has decided enough is enough he will just get in bed and only takes a few mins for him to get to sleep (usually) and I can easily leave the room.

I know I need to do what you suggested, get him in his own room and do it step by step. I can't face him waking DS2 up (20 mths) who is a little dreamboat at sleeping! Plus he will definitely get up at some point and get in my bed so long nights ahead for me. DH sleeps in spare room so he is not tired for work (v demanding job!) so its up to me to sort it out.

We are starting ABA soon (fingers crossed) so hoping when DH hears somebody else saying we should do it this way he may get on my side and we can tackle it together.

Thanks for all the advice.