what to do....

[M44]

I need some help here on what to do with my gorgeous boy......
He is 6.
He is neurotic/obsessive compulsive
Lacks the ability to be spontaneous
Clever-particularly in science, maths and music. They had a visiting science thing yesterday and the person running it couldn't answer heis question as they didn't know the answers.
Cannot cope with going in the main entrance of school in the morning- we enter the classroom via a different route.
He is bored at school and doesn't like going.
He has lovely friends and plays wonderful imaginary games.
He has extremes of mood and reacts hysterically if the slightest thing he is doing is disturbed by his siblings or he has to stop for tea etc. He cannot leave a tv programme unless it has finished-although I don't allow this-I warn him then turn off the tv.
He develops habits and has particular routines.
Yet, when I speak to school the say he is fine and his work is great.
When they identified gifted and talented they didn't include him as they said he excelled in everything they run programmes for and to be on the register you have to excel in one thing......I don't feel they understand or know him at all.
He does save his hysterical behaviour for home mind you.
He is very stubborn and will not do something if he doesn't see the point of it or want to do it.....
what more can I say- when is lovely he is amazing-when he is difficult it drives all of us to despair and it is really affecting our family life.
He is a very atopic child so itches and wheezes and reacts too unknown stuff all the time- so I accept some of his irritability comes from that.
He is impossible to discipline - time out sort of works sometimes. Star charts have never worked as he is canny enough to behave for the 'prize' but then reverts back to difficult behaviour.
We are going on holiday soon and I cannot face the disruption he causes in the family- he so easily ruins what has been a lovely day out. Church is becoming harder to go to as is generally going out with him.
None of my 3 other children behave in the same way, as a family we talk to each other all the time and are very close to our children. We have tried so hard to be fair and tolerate him and his funny ways but.......
PLease help- thoughts welcome, possible actions welcome- is it time to push for assesment for aspergers, but how and through what avenue etc......
with thanks, and am in tears writing this as I love him so dearly and hate writing about him in this way.

it all sounds incredibly familiar and you know your DC best firstly you wouldnt be here asking unless your concerned so first stop for me would be the GP asking for a referal to a child paed, and secondly statements are not just for academics there for physical and social needs as im sure you know , so id now yourself dont wait for the school apply for a statement with the LA . in meantime treat your DS ( as it sounds your thinking hes AS/ASD possibly) as if he has had DX ie do a lot of reading if you have not already Tony Attwoods good and stick around on here as you will get a lot of help and advice and hopefully friendly support, most of all look after you as your DS needs mummy well so try not to worry to much good luck

bump

You need to go to your GP and tell them you think he has Aspergers and ask for a referral to a child development paed.

Most of what you have posted could be describing my DS he has just turned 7, the main difference is that school are recognising his difficulties. Has your DS been referred to paed? or does he have a dx already?

no diagnosis- school doesn't think there is a problem.

In 2009 there was a researhers meeting to discuss ?Autism and talent?
The Royal Society Philosophical Transactions B publish topical theme issues, reviews and the Society's internationally acclaimed Discussion Meetings
In May 2009 there was a researhers meeting to discuss ?Autism and talent?
This web page lists and publishes the research papers discussed at the meeting held in May 2009 and the introduction paper for this specific journal issue The beautiful otherness of the autistic mind may be worth having a look at.

It is fairly typical for schools not to recognise there is an issue with a bright well-behaved (even if only at school) asperger's child. If it does turn out that he has AS, the differences are likely to become more pronounced with time so it is worth trusting your instincts and asking gp for a referral to developmental paed or CAMHS.

It seems ludicrous that school are saying he can't be on gifted and talented register because he excels in more than one area.

Also agree with you re impact of atopy on mood - dd1 has severe eczema and her behaviour often more extreme than older brother's despite his diagnosis of ADHD and AS.
link here to a quote from allergies.about.com/od/fa1/f/moodbehavior.htm

"Changes in a person?s mood and energy level could also be due to side effects from common allergy medications, such as antihistamines. Lastly, some researchers think that these behavioral changes may be caused by certain biochemical signals released from mast cells (and other immune cells in the body) that directly affect a person?s brain."

Yep, I have one of those too M44, mine is a girl and she is 8, she is v.bight in many areas although her fine motor skills effect her writing. she doesn't have a good imagination though.

IME there is a fine line between some of the brightest kids and some of those with a condition such as AS.

I did decide to go down the Dx route for Dd3 after much soul searching, she is quirky and can be difficult to handle, she has issues with smells and noises amongst other things.

We have just moved her to another school because she was becoming depressed at the other one, she lived in fear of making a mistake or breaking a rule. At the new school everything is more relaxed and the children are encouraged to be themselves.

I would agree with others and say read Tony Attwoods complete Guide to Aspergers. It is a great book. Also if you do decide to go for a Dx, keep a diary and make some notes about what is diferent about his behaviour compared to your other DC's. I found my diary helped me when speaking to proffs, as I have a tendancy to go blank when asked a question.

Good luck whatever you decide.

IM(H)O what matters as much as a diagnosis is what you can do to help him. And what the school can do to help him. Identify what his biggest difficulties, and most difficult behaviours are. See if there are triggers that set them off.

He sounds a bit similar to my ds in that he has to be in control - and the good news is that there is lots you can do to tackle this and make for a more harmonious home life

Don't worry about the G&T thing - does it matter?

Also don't compare to your other dc, it won't help at all. It's nothing you've done, your parenting is fine, and this is not your fault.

And we all know how you feel about putting things down in black and white - feels somehow negative about your child, but of course it's not, it's acknowledging he has difficulties (which is hard to admit), and facing up to having to do something about it.

As smileandwave said at the beginning of the thread, see your GP to start the ball rolling re dx, but read, read, read about what you can do to help in the meantime.

the g and t thing was just an example.....and I don't compare them- they are unique beasts with very individual needs who each respond to discipline/life in different ways.

Thank you all for your replies- enormously reassuring.

The control thing is the heardest when there are 3 other siblings to consider too. Bedtimes this week have been awful- school drop off reduces me to tears, even though I know he is fine once in the classroom.
I feel cheated as I never get to see his work, get to sign up for things as if I go into the classroom he will not let me go without hysterics....thus we avoid that. If I go into school for other things I have to sneak by so he doesn't see me.

I have to think ahead all the time- more than with the others and I am tired, hence some hideous battles this week. Dh does long days (often 14hrs) so I have them M-F on my own really.

THey are for once eating tea quietly- they helped make it- so they have no excuse not to eat it!!

Not helped by difficult family situations on both sides- dh's argumentative siblings sorting out deceased estate and my side just general mother/daughter stuff-grrrr. All in one week!

My plan- try this holiday and keep a diary for a month then go to GP.
In the meantime, will try and keep sane. Currently he is off meds as yes the antihistamines can kame him hyper, as can the itching without them. He has an intense concentration span which he uses as an avoidance technique to scratch- so give him a 1000 piece where's wally puzzle and he is happy- or paper models to meticulously fold and follow instructions- or a complicated lego kit and he is one happy bunny. ALthough with lego he cannot cope with pieces being different colours from the instructions etc.......saying that he does also create incredibly intricate cars and houses.

Oh the funny thing he does is with mats on the table-have to be square with the corners of the table and cutlery exactly placed-would make a great silver service butler one day!!

My Dd3 finds lego difficult for exactly that reason, she just doesn't get that is doesn't matter what colour the bricks are.

Control is a big monster in our house too, we find holidays can be really stressful as she is desperate to get control in a new situation.

We have found that since we have been treating her as if she has and ASD she as been much more manageable. We have put into place some strategies such as a visual timetable and a red and yellow card for behaviour and these things have made our livs much easier and slightly less stressful.

Dd3 doesn't have a Dx but is being assessed for ASd, she has been in the process for 2 years but I think we are nearing a pint where someone will decide whether to DX her or not.[fingers crossed].

LOl at the table mats, Dd3 cant even hold cutlery let alone know or care where it goes on the table.

Thank you-am so relieved I posted here!