cant stand it any longer

[cheeryface]

sorry , i know there are people worse off than myself but i am so stressed and worried i dont know what to do with myself.
i dont know as yet if ds2(12) has special needs but i cannot cope with him.

the problems started 9 months ago when he went to high school (i have posted about it alot) before then he was ok . school thought he was ok and the issues / things that drove me crackers with him i considered normal.

Things have got gradually worse over the last 9 months . As it stands now he is having violent rages at home where i am getting pushed and spat at etc , is completely disrespectful to us and wont do as i say alot of the time, he lies , he has stolen money from dh , he is suicidal constantly threatening to harm himself or me and has gone missing twice. Have had him threatening me with heavy objects and holding sharp objects to his head. hes had a belt arouind his neck asking me if i want him to kill himself.

whenever he misbehaves i give him a consequence such as no x box or whatever but thats when he goes crazy. i will say to him ok heres your chance to calm down and apologize and start again or else you cant go fishing anymore or whatever and he flips and says i am taking away the things in his life that he loves. he just doesnt get it that i will only do that if he carries on .

school is bad , his grades have gone down the pan. he keeps getting detention and hes fallen out with half his year group.
he thinks hes no future and maintains that he CANNOT control his behaviour. ends up crying after the rages hating himself for what hes done to us and saying he just cant stop doing wrong things.

yesterday after speaking to me really awfully all morning i told him the tv was going off if he continued which he did. so , as i turned the tv off he flipped his lid and then refused point blank to go to school.
in the end i got my friend round with he car (i dont drive) and we managed to get him there .
i felt awful but it seemed as though he wanted to make sure he had the control and i felt that i should make sure that i kept some control.

last night just because dh saw that he had drawn morbid pictures on some paper in his room he went off again , banging and shouting from his bed and then refusing to even get back in bed until late.

if he refuses school again i have no idea what i should do, i cant keep phoning my friend .
we are waiting to see a psychologist in 6-8 weeks at camhs
they are having someone observe him in school
the school nurse , senco and pupil office are aware whats going on

but i am exhausted with it , dh feels ill and ds1 is trying to revise for exams.
i cant see any end to it

Oh what a nightmare!
Can you look into 'positive parenting' and try some more of that?
and is he getting enough excersize with sports and activities?
Do you display love towards him? sorry if that question is offensive.
There's a channel on freesat called 'inspiration', it's a religious one but I heard some awesome parenting advise on there.
I have a sister same age as your DS who is a nightmare for her mum.
I take her weekends and keep her busy and she's good.
Can you or anyone else take your DS swimming, fishing, camping, hiking, or even cooking and giving him lots of praise.
They have so much energy at that age it needs to be put into something positive.
Must be so worrying with his suicide threats :( You really need help. Do you go to church or is his dad involved, you need respite!

God, sounds like you are having a terrible time.

Have you tried offering a reward for good behaviour instead of taking away? (my ds doesnt get the taking something away bit either)

For example going to school without any fuss earns him TV when he gets home from school.

I know it sounds very Mary Poppins, but you are giving instead of punishing if you see what i mean.

what do school say/suggest?

Should also add that ds also self harm and wishes he was dead etc and has been receiving therapy from CAMHS for over a year now.

agree re CAHMS.......

He sounds really distressed and awfully like DD1 when she couldn't cope with high school due to undiagnosed AS.

You need to try very hard to be on his side. Try to use rewards for managing things rather than punishments. This could improve his relationship with you and support his self esteem which is probably rock bottom at the moment.

I know it is a lot easier said than done but try hard not to take away the activities which he finds relaxing and enjoyable. If life is very stressful he will need those activities to give him a break and something to feel good about. We were told this by CAMHS last year when school were telling us to punish DD1 by refusing her time at the stables.

Try to use something he can earn by making small manageable changes to his behaviour. Boost his self esteem by making them things he can achieve fairly easily.

If he refuses school again ring them and tell them that you have used all the weapons in your armoury and they have now to put measures in place to make him feel able to attend. Then make him get dressed and get him to spend the day doing a project or something educational so he isn't being punished or rewarded for not attending. Give him x box time or whatever after the time he would normally be home.

He's crying out for help here and you need to work with him to solve whatever is distressing him so much.

I would agree with all that has been written here.

I feel for you both, poor soul is not coping at all with school so is lashing out on the nearest and dearest who is also the person he feels the safest with - you.

Is GP of any use re getting an urgent CAMHS referral, is your son under the care of a developmental paediatrician for instance?. You need to speak to CAMHS in any event and you need a referral now, not in 6 weeks time.

I would also now apply personally for a Statement of special needs for your son from the LEA as this will give him extra support in school. However, such a document can take six months to set up properly. In the meantime what are his school actually doing to help him?.

I think go to the GP to hurry things along. I would be asking re risperidone or prozac, plus seeking a statement. I got medications diagnosed for my son v easily once I had seen CAMHS, but also via a paediatrician at another time (referred by GP)

Hope you and DS are doing okay

CAMHS and fast!!

Speak to GP - they should be able to have an urgent crisis referral. That's what we had to do with son aged 10 as he was really ill. Not in the way your boy is, but it was obvious that he would end up being hospitalised if they didn't act quickly.

For school, you need ed psych and Statement. Something is very very wrong here and your son is suffering (and the rest of you) and you need help. If he were an adult, and behaving in this manner, he may possibly be hospitalised for his own (and others) safety.

Let us know how things go.

Take care.

If he is threatening self-harm, has suicidal ideation he should be seen sooner than 6 weeks. Can you ring up CAMHS and ask for him to be soon more urgently. If they are still being slow, PALS - patient advice and liaison service are useful for supporting you and moving things along.

Next time get your friend to drive him to A&E. I only recently found out that if a child threatening to self-harm etc turns up in casualty by law Cahms HAVE to see the child same day - no waiting list excuse.

It's something I wish I'd known much sooner and the strategy I'm intending to use when my 6 year old next hits crisis point. Especially as you can take them to ANY a&e so if like me you live in a rotten PCT but there is a good one near by - you drive to the hospital with the decent Cahms service ; )

i phoned camhs and they are coming to see him next week . i insisted he needed to see the psychologist now rather than 6-8 weeks and was told they would see if they could arrange it.

the lady we saw at camhs recently had said 6-8 weeks for psych , someone to observe at school and she would come for anger management type stuff.

so, do we need an ed psych aswell ? Not clued up with statements but i am assuming it is to get help in school. thing id i have no idea what would help him...does that matter ?
school timetabled him to go to the think room, its a quite therapeutic room but he broke his heart about it and refused to go more than once as he didnt want to be different. he said it was for all the freaks

thankfully this morning he has very slightly picked up and is planning on doing his karate class tonight. it wont last though

This sounds like a mental health issue rather than simply behaviour, so contacting CAMHS was the best thing you could do. However, I would like to second the poster who sugested GP/paed and medication. Also next time he theratens to harm you or himself get him to A&E. This will get him a psychiatric appointment/assessment faster and will reinforce the urgency of the problem towards CAMHS. Also as someone has suggested; get the statementing process starting asap so he can get help in school.