ASD 12 yr old and peers.

[EndoTheRoad]

My ASD son is in a mainstream school and whilst he gets on with the kids in class, breaks and dinner times are are completely different matter.

He isn't socialising and doesn't seem to want to. I don't know if that desire to mix will ever come.

My DP and I are worried, but DP feels that because I say "he's always been like that" (which he has), that I'm accepting it and not trying to change it. It's beginning to drive a wedge between us - he makes me feel guilty.

Over the years, I've taken him to playgroups, met up with friends who have children, but he still pretty much keeps himself to himself. We live in Switzerland and English-speaking clubs (catering for SN) aren't easy to come by.

Should I be forcing the issue with DS or not pressure him? I don't know what to do.

Thanks in advance for any words.

hi my sons 11 and was in MS school now is in SS but has always has had same problems with peers and its worse in the unstructured times like playtime and PE , had you thought to see if there are any playgroups locally and if not start one up yourself for kids with ASD Dispraxia and this type of disability, do the special schools if there is one have a group you could both join our 360 play (soft play) have a group session for all age group children that are ASD and NAS do cinema clubs for children who are autistic, i know your in switzerland so i know you may not have those but perhaps something simular.
and yes i do think learning to play interacts with peers is important i wouldnt exactly force the issue but i would seek out other mums and children with simular disabilities so as to have someone to talk to and he may make friends and get experience socialising that way hth

you say he doesn't seem to want to socialise - have you asked your DS if he wants to make friends/finds it hard/etc? I don't know the answer really, but if your DS is happy as he is, I wouldn't force things. If he wants to but isn't sure how to maybe you can try to help him work through what to do/say etc in social situations - the NAS website has lots of good books that might help.

My DS2 (Aspergers) has never shown any interest in making friends at school or playgroups. Even from a very early age he said "I don't need friends, I've got DS1". It used to really upset me that he didn't have any friends, but he is a happy boy and is very clear that he doesn't want any!

My DS2 (11) with ASD spends his lunch and breaktimes just walking around the edge of the playground. (He's still in Y6) He is perfectly happy, doesn't get bored and seems to need some time just to chill out alone after trying to conform in the classroom. I just asked him if he would prefer to play with the others and he said he's happy on his own. He is like your DS and gets on with the others well enough during lessons.

Perhaps if there is a school club one lunchtime that your DS would enjoy he might find some like minded people? He may need most breaks to do his own thing but once a week would be a good start.

This puts some perspective on this (once again) for me for my Y1 DS. I just can't get over being upset about seeing him on his own in the playground every day, even when I ask him if he is unhappy on his own and he answers no.

my sons the oposite though he crys himself to sleep often saying he wishes he had friends and knew how to talk to them , what to say breaks your heart

My DS (14) HF ASD is at mainstream school. He says he has friends but he never invites them home or makes contact with them in the holidays. He goes to the library at breaktime & says he hangs out with his friends there but I'm guessing that he is just tagging onto a group of lads in his form group. At lunchtime he goes to ICT room and plays on computers where he talks to other like minded boys about playstation/computer games and guns (his favourite subjects). He seems to have found other like minded lads prepared to indulge his hobby so he is quite happy.
He does have a friend where we live who doesn't go to the same school but it is usually the other boy who initiates contact unless we prompt. But the main thing is that DS seems quite happy with these arrangements and doesn't crave the contact of others like I would have done at his age.
I have just encouraged him to take up hobbies which will help him to join groups later in life and meet people if he wants to eg:plays instrument so could join a band, goes to the gym - can be as sociable as you want it to be or just as easy to be solitary, but hopefully things he can continue if he goes to University which will give him an opening to meet people or just get out of the 4 walls of his room - his choice.

That's hard, smile. It sounds like the OP's DS isn't upset playing on his own. Can your DS's SS help with a social skills club or a circle of friends?

Thank you all for your replies.

smileANDwave2000, I'm sorry your DS is having such a hard time. My DS doesn't seem to be getting any better. I always talk/ask questions about his peers, but "I don't know", is all the response I get. I hadn't thought to contact local schools with SN provision. Might be worth a try.

LifeInTheSlowLane, I think he may want to be closer to his peers deep down, but doesn't know how to approach. He also has a problem with conversations - what's appropriate/relevant. He could talk the hind legs off a donkey (or me) about the weather/bus routes or whatever he's got in his bonnet at the time, bless. This, even I find tiring, let alone a bunch of 12yr olds!

EllenJaneisnotmyname, I never looked at it in that way - DS appreciating a little chill time. Afterall, I guess the school day's long enough.

Ben10isthespawnofthedevil, it's heartbreaking, isn't it? Worrying they'll never "fit it"...

bigbluebus, sounds like your DS is pretty happy with the arrangements at school. Lovely to hear he actually talks with peers outside of class/found a common interest! DS does drama once a week after school with 3 others. He says he enjoys it, but I don't think his guard drops beyond the subject.

yes his first and two middle schools tried all that but the thing is is when he became "aware" he found it increasingly difficult as he would worry what to say and how to talk ,( his interests are behind his peers in some areas and hes ahead in things like computers) but very hurt at the idea the school force, in his opinion other children to be friends with him, it seemed to make him worse knowing these things were not just someone out the blue saying hey do you want to play but teachers setting it up his social skills got worse and worse and his anger increased and his low self esteem hes moderate ASD amongst other things and he just wanted to be the same as everyone else and he knows hes not ,I guess part of maturing as a person with ASD hes now at SS so i hope /gather they spend a lot of time on social skills like this so hopefully he will improve , he has started mentioning other DCs names so that is good step in the right direction