Am feeling like such a crap parent at the moment.

[siblingrivalry]

Hi
Can I offload here, please? I need to get it out of my system and I just don't want to talk about it in RL.

Basically, we are having a really rough time with dd1 (AS). She is 10 and having a bad time at school (separate issue-we are looking at alternative schools).
Plus, over the past few months, her AS has become more difficult to deal with. Could be because she is so anxious, plus hormones are kicking in. All of a sudden the gap between her chronological age and her emotional age seems like a gulf. Her self-esteem is on the floor and she's volatile and stressed.

It's all been really affecting dh and me. We are both feeling physically ill, exhausted and emotionally drained. Which means I'm not as patient as I might be

So this morning we took dd1 and dd2 swimming. They both love it, despite dd1's sensory issues.
Anyway, she needed more help with getting dressed than her 6 year old sister, which I know isn't her fault.
She stood in the middle of the changing room, which was packed, waiting for me to tell her what to do. So I patiently talked her through the stages. She wears a little crop top, and I handed it to her 3 times, stretched out so she just had to slip it over her head. Each time, she got into a mess with it and I had to help her to take it off and start again.

I know she can't help it and she would have been feeling anxious and hating the feeling of clothes on her skin after the swim, but I just couldn't stop myself from snapping at her.
I said' "For God's Sake, dd , just put it on will you, instead of making such a meal of it!"

Her poor face fell and I felt utterly crap. I then handed her a towel and told her to dry her hair off a bit before she put her top on, as it was dripping wet.
She stood looking at the towel in bewilderment and said' "How do I do that?"

Again, I snapped and told her to just rub the towel over her hair.

I really hate myself for losing it when I know she's already struggling, but I feel like I'm at my limit. My patience is at an all time low and I just don't know how to get it back.

Sorry for the long post, there's such a lot going round in my head!

Oh, sib, we've all done it, and with less cause! Don't beat yourself up about it. Just apologise, when you are feeling nice and calm. Say you're sorry you snapped, you were feeling grumpy and it wasn't anything she had done.

I'm sorry it's so tough at the moment. Do you get any outside advice or counselling? There's a thread going on at the moment about girls with AS or ASD and how they can struggle with self esteem.

aww please dont beat yourself up about it we all get tired and very stressed ellens right just because were adults if were wrong we should just say sorry and tell her mummys very tired and reasure her it wasnt her fault lots of love n huggles boys and girls with ASD/AS get depression its very hard work trying to get them to believe in herself that she can do things and try new things for herself and that its ok to get it wrong i think like me and a lot of other parents we need a break and actual phisical help of time out i know i do, are you or do you go to a parents group that might help you if you feel less alone even if your DD is not at a SS they may well have a group you can go to i go to one its very useful and makes me feel much better and by doing that ive found out lots of places i can go for instance 360 play do once a month an ASD evening where even older DCs with AS/ASD can go and play and parents meet up so you would be with like minded parents

Thanks for the replies .
I'm actually waiting for a counsellor to ring me -my GP referred me last week. I think I just need someone to talk to about all of the things going round in my mind. I talk to dh, but am wary of telling him how low I am, because he's struggling too.

I read the other thread, because it definitely something we are dealing with. CBT type therapy has worked in the past for dd, so I bought a workbook to go through with her. We started it this afternoon and she responded well-it got her to look at different types of worries etc and whether she can do anything about them.

I just feel as though I should be making extra sure that I'm building her up at the moment, instead of putting her down. Hopefully, once I see a counsellor and work on relaxing more, I'll be less tense and snappy.

sib I was just going to post a thread with the same title. DH and I arguing about which preschool to send him to. DH has hence gone out for a run and left me with DS (3) who is very ratty and DD (9mo) who is hungry. DS is kicking DD while I feed her and hitting me. The angrier I got the more he hit me. I carried him by his feet upside down and deposited him (gently....) in the garden and have locked the patio doors. And the LA have refused us direct payments becuase we do not meet their criteria. DD is grabbing laptop keys and I feel very very angry with her for it.

You are not a bad parent you sound like you have huge amounts of patience. I feel like I would have grabbed the towel and agressively rubbed the towel on her head. Very much losing it!

You're not a crap parent.

I heard myself telling my ds (10) - ASD/OCD/TOURETTES that I was feeling really tired of listening to his constant litany of verbal tics. I WAS. I AM!!

I gave him a big cuddle and said I know how hard it is for him but he HAS to try harder to BEAT THE OCD BULLY!

My boy can tell you the name of every one of Jupiter's moons. Give you a run down on the milage from one planet to another, can tell you pretty much anything you want to know about MuiCephi. But give him a simple instruction "can you put your pj's on now" and he takes forever....they're on inside out or just not on at all and he's forgotten what he's supposed to do with them.

He's brilliant. He's frustrating. He drives me mad and sometimes, he can tell. But I love him to bits and he knows that too!

Don't be so tough on yourself. You're a good mum.

Agree with all the other posters, we all have bad days when we are tired/stress/overwhelmed, etc; don't beat yourself up over it, it's a glitch, don't let one moment spoil the rest of the time that you're a brilliant mum.

Tony Attwood does a really good book on cbt techniques to manage anxiety (he also does one for anger) that might help dd with her anxieties. I am also reading a really fab book called "The Incredible 5-Point Scale" by Kari Dunn and Mitzi Curtis - it helps kids understand and control their emotional responses, it's visual, easy to follow and makes sense.

Good luck with your own counselling, it can be a real relief to offload x

Thanks everyone. It just helps that other people are going through similar things -even though I wish they weren't IYKWIM

I think I will look for the Tony Atwood book, thanks -haven't heard of that one before.

Wendy I know the pj situation well!

Smug I'm sorry it's rough for you at the moment, too. I remember how physically exhausting it was when my 2 were really small -lots of things do get easier, promise!

Sibling, it's called Exploring Feelings, CBT Therapy to manage Anxiety (Dr Tony Attwood) x

Thanks cankles-just off to check Amazon.

I can sympathise sib

My ds1 still finds a lot of fairly basic tasks hard He is 8 next month.

I am ashamed to day I have called him "lazy". I have told him he "doesnt try hard enough"

Its very hard and I am dealing with ds2 who is currently going through the terrible 2s and is quite challenging

I have just sent for a book from amazon about anxiety but I cant remember what its called!

Becarooo, I have also told dd she isn't trying/thinking etc. You aren't alone.
It can be so exhausting to have to keep on thinking for your child and, at times, it gets too much.

Despite repeated reminders, dd left this morning without a vital bit of equipment she needed for school. It was literally right nest to her school bag, but it just didn't register with her to pick it up
I'm ashamed to say that, when I realised, I went upstairs an and cried.
Pathetic, really, but I'm feeling so down and it was just one thing too much.

I have a couple of books already about anxiety, but they haven't been totally successful.

Thing is I know he tries...he gives 110% to everything he does because he has to on a daily basis.

It is exhausting, in every way

I'm afraid I don't feel very super most of the time, I always prided myself on my patience, and so did other people, but my ds, has drained me of every last ounce of patience and it's threadbare, and I have said things and acted in ways I regret. I think the truth is that we are all challenged to an extreme that most people don't experience (even in the most pressured job in the city). We've all acted in the way you did, but if you show unconditional love and say sorry, I don't believe there will be any long term harm. It's only a worry when you don't recognise where you have gone wrong. Let yourself off the hook, get a bottle of wine and a good book and chill. It's a sign you need recharge time.

Well, here's something to make you all feel better. I take the prize for worst mother in the history of the world.

This morning, having been up nearly 2 hours and LATE AGAIN for school, my son (10, ASD/OCD/Tourettes) was driving me bonkers with his uncontrollable shouting out of his "sorry to everyone for everything" verbal tic, and I told him "enough!!! Stop talking twaddle and PUT YOUR SHOES ON!!"

PLEASE, somebody shoot me. And soon.

wendi I feel your pain! Have a x

Thanks Becaroooo.....my lovely DH has just come home and is, as we speak, pouring a nice red for me.

Cheers!

Oh, I've shouted too Wendi - too often

At the moment, I think the giggle-inducing thought of me running outside, screaming (and scaring our elderly neighbours senseless) then going back inside is what is keeping me sane.... only just....

It's the keeping me sane.

You can't HELP but feel guilty though and I'd give anything just to have my ds "normal" and untroubled and enjoying being a kid/life.

I came to this topic to post a very similar post sib and there was your post.

I am so sorry that so many of us are having a tough time but it also makes me feel that my reactions are normal iykwim.

My ds has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and I feel like I am heading for a diagnosis of my own. I watched a friend's dad play beautifully with him last night, with endless patience and enthusiasm and felt like such an awful parent. I felt like all I did was criticise and warn him of dangers etc.

Then, when he got too tired and went into full scale melt down, I just wanted to do the same myself and had no idea how to help him.

Dh and I are both struggling with the diagnosis and the behaviour his problems cause and for the first time in our long and happy relationship we are struggling with each other too.

Carrotsandcelery..... it's true,so many of us struggle, on a daily basis. I feel the same sometimes, especially when I see my ds responding well with others. I wonder if it's me? But then, I need to remind myself that it's me dooing it, everyday, on my own. My DH is often working away and for 4 years I was a single mum so, it's worth reminding ourselves that if'd be easty to come in a "do it" for a short period of time. My exH, has our son 2 x monthly and used to say I was the problem.....but now, years later he can see that actually, it's beyond my control.

Thanks wendi - it is true, doing it day in day out without a break is tough.

Popping up for an hour and pulling out all the stops is much easier.

I am still going to resolve to be more of a fun mum though. I used to teach and had endless patience and lots of fun in me. I know I can't do that 24/7 but my mission is to have a few giggles with them every day.

A good idea. My ds, even at 10 likes nothing more than to be pinned down and have his feet tickled. We also had a massive sofa cushion fight yesterday (very gentle bashing from me, cause he's weeny and a puff of wind'd have him over!). He loved it.....

Moments like that are important when you feel like you're criticising the whole time but, the professionals have told me to be firm and not give in and.......God, it's hard!

What a coincidence - ds climbed into bed with me this morning and we ended up tickling feet etc. It was great fun and did me good as well as him tbh.

I think we just need to stop being so upset about it all and have a laugh again.