Is it possible to go to work and look after an SN child?

[cirena]

Since becoming a single parent last March, I have been struggling to work 4 days a week in a reasonably stressful job, earn adequate income and still be a reasonable Mum to my two dds (dd1 is 6, NT and a handful, dd2 is 4, global dev delay, not yet walking or talking). I am really wondering if it is possible to hold down a job while having an SN child - or is it just that it is v hard being a single Mum?? It doesn't help that my ex gives me no money and hardly does any childcare, I also have no local family.

I struggle to have enough energy and time to keep up with everything, let alone do physio, speech therapy etc and give dd1 enough attention.

Should I just cut down on work, try to rely on benefits and concentrate on my children and dd2's therapies? I feel that dd2 has no chance of walking unless I really devote all my attention to her. As I?m so busy, I don?t have enough time to chat to her teachers, haven?t got an up to date physio program and although now 4 and school age, she hasn?t got a statement and no sign of one in progress. Just feel too overwhelmed to tackle all these problems.

PS I have changed my name, used to be around occasionally! Sorry about the extra spaces, can't get rid of them!

really difficult I think- although depends whether its worth it financially which depends on what you do.

No ds1 is in school I could work school hours (bus leaves about 8.40 and he's dropped home at 3.50). There is no suitable after school care and no holiday clubs that he can access. It makes things difficult work wise obviously. I do have local family- I have one day out (a course) at the moment and my mum finishes work early to meet ds1 from the bus. Without her it would be impossible.

I can understand why you couldn't. It's much easier to work if you do have the support of reliable family nearby.

Hi Cirena

I have ds's (aged 8 and Nt, and aged 2 with GDD) It must be very difficult for you. I know, that I dont do half the things I should do with ds2 and I dont work. Saying that, I would quite fancy working part time (in a non stressful job, I might add) and have some `me' time, as I think it is very easy when you have a SN child and are at home full time to become completely swallowed by all their needs iykwim.

I know there are mums on here with SN children who work - Fio and Thomcat? and others I think? Hopefully they will be around soon with their views.

Hi Cirena

I have ds's (aged 8 and Nt, and aged 2 with GDD) It must be very difficult for you. I know, that I dont do half the things I should do with ds2 and I dont work. Saying that, I would quite fancy working part time (in a non stressful job, I might add) and have some `me' time, as I think it is very easy when you have a SN child and are at home full time to become completely swallowed by all their needs iykwim.

I know there are mums on here with SN children who work - Fio and Thomcat? and others I think? Hopefully they will be around soon with their views.

Thanks Merlot and baka - am at home today because dd2 is unwell with bad cold/cough and she is really grumpy. My work are not happy but what can I do?! I think a lot of the problems I have stem more from being on my own and not having enough support rather than from the SN, but still wonder if dd2 would do better if I didn't have such a stressful life!

I did it for about nine months when dd1 was aged 1 - almost 2. It was tough but we were lucky to have a fab nursery and in reality my employers were brilliant at letting me have time off for dds appts and illnesses. I was also lucky in that dh was also in a pretty flexible work environment where he could work from home.

It was tough for me as I had a very stressful full time job - teaching secondary school in a tough school with a very young and inexperienced department - only two others in rather large dept that had some to a lot of experience.

We had no family support though as dh's family lived over an hour away and were carers for dhs elderly grandmother and my family were here in Aus.

TBH even now that I am a SAHM and dd has a much better access to therapy etc I find myself struggling to do the things I feel we should do.

I think you deserve a medal for being a single mum without even taking into consideration being a single mum to a child with sn.

I think you also need to look at what a fab job you are doing in caring for your dds.... rather than wonder what if - think about - hey we are getting there... sure it is a tough slog and doing it alone must be even harder.... ( As the daughter of a single mother I can see how much hard work she put into the three of us and I think I realise it even more now I am a mum too.)

I am not sure if I can point you in the direction of anywhere in terms of help but jsut wanted to say - we all stress and worry whether we are doing the best for our kids. Some days I despair and think I am the crappest mother going and other days I think I am doing okay.

Have you tried the working parents site? They have a helpline specifically for working parents of disabled children.

Fio works at the weekend when her dh is around and TC has lots of family support.

I think you should look seriously at what you could get in terms of Carer's Allowance etc and compare it to what you're earning plus the difficulties connected with working. You may be able to get more DLA that you already are (I hope you are getting some) too. Soc Svs depts are now supposed to take into account and support a Carer's desire/need to work or study (ha!).
I have a good friend who works fulltime as a Social Worker in Child Protection, a very hard and demanding job. She has a child with ASD. BUT her mum helps her a lot and she can often work from home. ANy chance of working from home more with current job or a new one?

I am a single mother to three children, youngest with Sotos Syndrome. I work part-time but am lucky that I can work 2 days at home and 2 days in the office. I do sometimes feel my life would be so much easier, less stressful if I didn't work but I don't know how I could manage financially.

Hi Cirena,
I have 5 year old poss SN and nearly 3 year old with Severe GDD who also cant speak and doesn't really walk, well 6 steps in about 5 minutes with all his strengh and determination!!!
I have a part time job of which i do all day mons and the rest 9-1pm tue - fri.
I tried being on benefits but with a mortgage to pay etc.. i found it very hard.
Could you look for a part time job that isn't as stressful and then look at tax credits etc...??
I think having a job could give you some me time as long as it isn't too stressful.
Hope it all works out.
Butty.xxx

There can be a big benefit of working- having a child with SN can be very isolating- depends a bit on the SN, but in our case it certainly is. Having my one day out a week gives me a lot more energy, so maybe look at cutting down if you can (and check out carers allowance- you can earn up to £80 a week and still get carers, DLA etc).

cirena i think if you are happy working you should carry on
i have ds2 who is 8 with sggd and i am going to be looking for work once i get better
i wouldnt mind being a classroom asst so can be home at holiday times
but i think it is harder on mums with sn children
good luck
xxx

Yes. I did it for three years in a demanding job (Organiser at Home Start). OK it added to the load somewhat, but in other ways it relieved it too: it's sociable, pays, gives you a change.

Chose to give up after ds3, but went to Uni as quick as poss to get the same 'break'!

I did have family though, and I now have holiday club access for Uni.

Cirena,yes you do deserve a medal! Have you an ex dh or dp around who can do his share??

As a salt (and parent of a child with a comm. difficulty) I've often thought about the parents I work with.
Generally,it seems that those with some life outside the home (job,course or voluntary work) have better mental health than those who are at home all the time.
As a SAHM I find that being with the children all day does drain my energy,something which i'm sure all SAH parents feel on occasion..
Escapes recharge you and leave you coming home ready to tackle things.

One of the parents I work with is a single mother with a child with pmld. She has a demanding job in tv,is always beautifully dressed and has a great life. I admire her for not letting her son's disability define her.
(And of course,have equal respect for other parents doing much more humdrum jobs.)
Hope you catch my drift.

Cirena,

I would also look into DLA if you're not getting this already along with Carers Allowance. The CAB may be of help in this regard by advising what you can get.

With regards to the educational needs of your DD unfortunately the onus is mostly on the parent to apply to the LEA for a statement. There will be no progress in this regard unless you as the parent ask the LEA in question to assess your DD. IPSEA are very good in this regard and their website is well worth looking at. It also has some model letters that you can use.

www.ipsea.org.uk.

Thanks for all your replies! Thankfully, I think I do get all the benefits I am entitled to - DLA (middle rate care/higher mobility), also higher rate tax credits/child benefit, so feel quite well catered for. Don't earn very much, but still more than Carer's allowance, so not much sense financially in cutting down on work. Unfortunately, ex h does not help too much as does not live that nearby, also he is a bit unreliable/moody!!

Agree with those who said it's important to have a life outside home - maybe I just need to find a less stressful job, perhaps working from home part of the time. Thanks for the links - the Working Parents site looks really good.

As dd already goes to a special school and seems to get most of what she needs there, I haven't been too stressed about the statement, thinking that someone at the school would organise it as a matter of routine (naive huh??). I have requested one verbally before, but I guess I will have to make a formal request. Thanks for the IPSEA link.

Cirena, really feel for you. You indeed deserve a medal for coping on your own with a difficult time of it. I think it depends on how you feel about your job. I work, have a very demanding job, but need it and love it. I have DS1, just 3, who has GDD, and am on maternity leave at present with DS2 (3 months) and sometimes I feel DS1's special needs engulf me when at home. Work gives me the chance to escape it all and put everything in perspective.

I bet you are doing a lot to help your DD that you don't even realise but you can't be and do it all single handedly. I agree with Meerkats that getting the statement is top priority because a lot of additional support and help for your DD will come out of that. Do you have a pre-school teacher counsellor? If not, I would look into that through your LEA - they can do a lot of the work in applying for the statement for you. Your DD can then get a lot more help at pre-school/school and the PSTC will help with all of that, including advising on local special schools.

Good luck with whatever you decide xx

Sorry, Cirena, my post crossed with yours - looks like you are already getting the help you need re schools.

I found working part-time once DS was at (special) school was very manageable. I didn't have DD then. I also used a lot of work time to write my letters to the LEA etc, surf the internet etc I did not have a demanding job though but, even though it was "part-time" it took up the time I had other than school pick up etc. I think I'm over adaptable (fickle ) as I seem to be able to switch from one situation to another and don't seem to "need" either, though prefer as much leisure as poss of course