ASD children and weddings. Advice needed please.

[Floopytheloopy]

Hello everyone. :)

I have another question I hope some of you can help me with.

MY DD who is 4 and possibly has ASD(mainly behavioural issues) is due to be flower girl in a few months. When we were first asked we were over the moon and honoured as any parent would be, but as it's getting nearer i'm becoming more and more nervous and I hate to say it, doubtful.

She was asked a year or so ago and that seemed so way in the future that we assumed some of her issues might have improved a lot. Don't get me wrong she has come on a lot in lots of ways, but it's still going to be a very difficult day I fear.

The other thing is that the vast majority of people going will have only met DD on the day. I feel like all eyes are going to be on her and for the wrong reasons. I'm sure they'll be gossiping and speculating. I know i'm going to be incredibly emotional with the whole thing anyway as it's someone very close to me who is getting married, so I don't want to ruin it with being paranoid and defensive.

DD has already said that she's not going to walk down the aisle. She then gives me an idea of what she is going to do. "I'm going to do this mummy" she then kind of does these bouncy side steps. A bit like when footballers warm up. I don't think she'll be sat down when the service is underway. I can't bare the thought of her detracting attention away from the bride and groom. I know all children at weddings have the potential to do this, but not on the same scale obviously as a child with SN and like I said before her issues are mainly behavioural.

So i'm not really sure if i'm asking advice on how to manage her behaviour at such an important event, or how to just stay calm and ignore all the stares.

Thanks very much

Just read that back. I just wanted to say that I don't believe that all SN children would behave badly in this situation. I meant to say children purely with behaviour issues. I wrote that a bit wrong.

Also, would like to point out that i'm also the maid of honour so my focus really can't be with DD as much as i'd like.

what does the bride (and groom) think?

I would not have minded in the slightest if any of my bridesmaids had "misbehaved" in the way you describe.

what matters here, is what the couple getting married think, what you think and how your dd feels.

the rest of the congregation can be as snooty as thy like, but if you are all happy, that is all that counts.

is your dd the only child having a pivotal role? is there any way you could, eg, walk down with her?

is your dd looking forward to the role? is there any way you could, eg be waiting at the front for the bride (can arrive early, thus avoiding the congregation issue), and have an altered, yet important role? eg greeting the bride, or coming forward to lay out her train - rather than following her down the aisle, if this is going to be an issue?

woudl your dd be receptive to being tutored in how to walk down the aisle? watching footage of the royal wedding, for eg?

but honestly - your first port of call is to talk to the bride and groom - if they are happy with your dd taking part, then do try to relax about it

Hi
We had this last year when our DS (5, ASD) was asked to be a pageboy. Fortunately for us, the wedding was quite informal but we were very anxious about the day. In the end, I was more concerned about how DS would behave than what anyone else might be thinking, but I have got quite thickskinned. We did a lot of preparation, talking about weddings, looking at pictures of weddings, looking at the venue's website. It was hard work and I never thought he would attend let alone wear his suit but he did.

Be realistic, talk to the bride and groom about what may happen. Prepare as much as possible, agree a reward for walking nicely. Would you or DH be able to remove DD to the side once she has walked down the aisle, so that she can relax without distracting everyone? You might need somewhere at the venue to use as a timeout room; perhaps visit the venue ahead of time to see? It may sound over the top but the more prepared you are, the more relaxed you will be and more able to enjoy the day.

Remember that you may never have to meet any of the guests again. It doesn't matter what they think, it matters what the bride and groom think, so talk it all through with them.

Agree with everything silverfrog said. And at a recent wedding we went to, DS used chewits (too chewy to talk through) and we were ready to grab him and escape if the need arose. There is a playmobil wedding chapel which is quite fun, we bought it to help with learning how to behave in church.