children with SN in extended family - concerned about dynamics

[moffat]

My dc's have two cousins with SN whom they love very much and play with a lot, seeing them most weekends and in hols.

When we are all together I find that the grown-ups sometimes get frustrated/irritable with the cousins, sometimes IMO unfairly so, and I feel that this is rooted in an inability to accept the situation. The nephews do have some challenging behaviours but are not difficult children IYSWIM - just developmentally behind and probably their parents and grandparents find it difficult being faced with how behind they are and are possibly a little bit embarrassed.

They are very loved and cared for but I just wondered if this was a common reaction in this situation.

Yes it is common, but a loving, accepting and non-judgemental extended family is a fantastic resource for them to have.
That doesn't mean no rules, just no smugness when rules are enforced. Talking about what and why things happen with your children is also valuable.
It can be very sad when the contrast between children is highlighted, especially in a family situation, and you see what may never be a possibility for your child that is so normal and easy for another.
The future can look a bit bleak sometimes, and other people pitying, or offering a platitude can make others defensive.

agree with goblin.obviously I know only the details you put in your post, so can only draw from my own experience, but I wonder if it's not so much inability to accept the situation but the understandable pain that happens every so often when the rug is pulled about all your assumptions about your child living/working independently as an adult. Day to day, you cope by focussing on your child as an individual, with their achievements etc, but every so often reality does slap you across the face.

Thank you for your replies Goblinchild and TotalChaos, I do understand. I find it difficult so I can imagine how much harder it must be for the parents. It's almost as if they distance themselves from their children a little bit, and I'm wondering if there's anything I can do to help.

Dh and I try to engage with the children and we talk about them a lot and give them lots of attention, but things are often uncomfortable as it seems the parents are worried the children will do something inappropriate/rude/embarrassing. Not sure how to approach this - we always downplay this or take the children's side when they do this.

maybe pull back a little, both from communicating with the children, and from getting involved when they tell the kids off, maybe they feel a bit undermined?

yes that is possible, I hadn't thought of that.