Can anyone offer some insight re: ds1 please???....

[Becaroooo]

ds1 has had 2 mini meltdowns since school ended at 3.15pm.....I was wondering if I could ask some advice? (the first was because he has lost his fleece jacket, the second because my dnephew got hurt when they were playing - not ds1s fault)

He has got his appt with the comm paed on 23rd - I think the GP/private therapists are thinking dyspraxia/dyslexia/aspergers/who bloody knows...

He will be 8 next month but emotionally seems much younger IYSWIM? He gets SO anxious/upset about the silliest things! I used to think it was my fault and it must have been something I did/didnt do when he was a baby/toddler but I have a younger ds now (2.5) and I see that ds1 does not react "normally".

There have been lots of incidents over the years but 2 that really stick in my mind are;
Getting hysterical and refusing to use the public loo on a day trip
Getting hysterical again 2 years ago when we were on hols and his ball (a manky old thing I brought from home) got swept out to sea....it took me all afternoon to calm him down and he still talks about it now!

I dont even know what to call it...emotional liability/immaturity????

I feel like crying today

I sometimes feel like I have 2 toddlers!

So, IYO is it normal? asd? something else?

Becaroooo, you are probably likely to get responses such as you really do need a medical opinion........we're not professionals etc etc etc. Of course that is true, but I know why you feel the need to post this. He's seeing the paed this month which is obviously a step in the right direction.

When you say he's emotionally immature, does this also go for his speech. Is he or was he behind with his speech? If so was his speech unusual or repetative? Does he make friends easily? Does he have the same problems when he is at school?

For a child to reach almost 8 and have had no previous problems which may be symptoms of ASD or something else until now would be very unusual.

What was he like when he was a toddler?

Sorry you're feeling so awful at the minute. I know the feeling very well.

Also forgot to ask, does he behaviour in general seem a little "odd" or inappropriate?

floopy He was a late talker yes...was nearly 3 before he spoke in sentances.

He had lots of health issues as a baby...late to sit up, crawl etc (was query CP at one point as a young baby and I think I was just so relieved he didnt have it I sort of blanked a lot of stuff IYSWIM?)

He is having real problems with reading and writing - has since the start of formal education - and that is why I have gone down the GP referral route.

Had real problems with his last school (loonng story) and he has been at his new school since November and is enjoying it...I feel they listen to me and dont dismiss me as an overprotective mum.

I think part of why they are listening now is also his age....I raised concerns at his old school when he was 5 (year 1) and just got fobbed off..."summer baby...he'll catch up" ad nauseum....

GP who referred him said he thought I had "cause for concern" as ds1 had prolonged jaundice as a baby and that can cause brain damage.

On the other side of the coin, despite his rather odd behaviours sometimes (the prancing, rigid movements, tip toe walking etc) his sleep issues and his emotional liability he is such a sweet kid!

I think thats also been part of the problem...because there are no "behaviour issues" at school his issues/difficulties have been overlooked for too long....

thanks for replying x

He is not "into" what most boys his age are into....not lego (he has always avoided puzzzles/building bricks etc - I think he cant do them )

He likes animals, dinosaurs, trains, trucks and cars.

He is very affectionate and kind natured. He just seems VERY immature compared to his peers - in every way

I cannot go out at night as he gets hysterical if he wakes up and I am not there. We ALL have to be in our PJs at bedtime....he gets really anxious if dh or I are still in our clothes (?) Went on a hen afternoon a couple of weeks ago (singalonga sound of music!) and (in the end) stayed til 8.30. Was texting dh and he said everything ok.

Got home to ds1 very upset and crying he wanted me. He was really upset Took quite a long time to calm him down.

I suppose I just thought things would get better, you know?

And they arent. They really arent.

A couple of weeks ago I was 2 mins "late" (i.e. I wasnt waiting outside the door) to pick him up from school (got caught in traffic) and he was in a terrible state. In a way I am glad his teacher saw him like that as sometimes I think people think I am exaggerating.

He is now watching a top gear dvd and "prancing" on tip toe up and down the front room. He cant sit still for long. Never has. Sleep has always been pretty bad....he sleeps from 9-9.30 til 6-6.30 but will wake up during that time and me or dh have to get into his (double) bed with him. ds2 (2.5) also waked in the night so I tend to have him in with me.

sigh...now he is getting agitated that dh isnt back from the shops yet....and its "nearly 8pm"

Dh knows how anxious he gets! ffs!

Beca, bless you! This sounds like a really stressful time. It sounds like you could really do with some help. It sounds pretty obvious that something isn't quite right with you ds, but that doesn't mean you should be under his command. It's not right(as you know) that you're all in your pjs because he's so afraid that you'll leave when he's asleep. Please don't think that this is it. There is help out there and guidance. You really need and deserve it. If nothing has yet been diagnosed then i'm assumng that means you haven't been offered any help or had any suggestions of support groups?

Also, please take comfort in the fact that he is mostly fine at school. This means that for whatever reason he can sometimes control it.

Just remember, once you're getting the help things can only get better.

Could you and dh maybe go out for the afternoon, just the two of you? Maybe when he's at school and just treat it like an evening out if that option seems a no go at the moment.

Again, it wont always be like this.

Sending you a big hug. x

I seem to be obsessed with the word "sounds" at the begining of that post for some reason. I'm not good with the words.

emotional immaturity can be part of any of the adhd/dyspraxia/asd crossover. not sure how far it's a part of the condition or how far it's an effect of the stresses of daily life, school life etc. haven't got any advice other than the generic point of figuring out his needs (educational, sensory etc) to attempt to reduce his anxiety in general, and agree with floopy about working on his fears to stop you and DH's behaviour being controlled.

Becaroo, make sure you tell all this stuff to the paed. It really does sound like ASD.

I would say emotional immaturity is a major part of my ds's problem and from what I've read and been told its common in children who have ASD. I used feel that he was always operating at about the level of his younger brother (so around two years behind) although was still very 'over-emotional' and sensitive by comparison. Now he is 9 and his brother is 7, I think if anything, the gap has widened. His teacher said to me the other day that some of his reactions are more reception child than second year juniors and I had to agree with her. He also suffers badly with anxiety.

With the worrying about what time you or your dh will be home, he probably has a fixed time in his own mind by which you should be back and if you aren't home within that timeframe, he will feel out of control - hence the anxiety. With my ds, we have to make sure we talk through the whole scenario and any possible things that could change. So, if I am going out we tell him that if I am not back before he goes to bed, I will come and give him a kiss as soon as I get back, rather than giving him a specific time to focus on. The other option we sometimes use, is to do the 'Mum's going out and should be home by X o'clock - unless X, in which case she will probably be back after you are asleep, but will come straight up to give you a kiss anyway'. I tend to prefer not to give him a specific time if possible though (although he does push hard for one) as not only is it ridiculously restrictive for me, it gives him something to focus his stress on and obsess about. I rarely go out, because it is such a pita to deal with, but dh and I are going away for an extremely rare weekend away soon and I am already having to start drip feeding the preparation.

We didn't have a clock on display in the house until very recently for this reason. Unfortunately, someone gave him an alarm clock for christmas and he now carries it round obsessively. [anger]

We have a similar thing with his Nintendo Ds time. He carries his clock around, literally counting down the seconds. The rule is that he can't have it before 1.30 pm in the school holidays, but his interpretation of that is that he has to have it bang on 1.30 every day. Every day I remind him that the rule is he can't have ds time before 1.30 and that simply means he can have it any time after that 1.30, but not before. I could just give in and let him have it at a set time every day, I'm sure it would help him feel calmer and more in control, but there are 5 of us in this family, some days we are out at 1.30, sometimes we have guests etc and if I allow him to be that rigid we are guaranteed a meltdown when things change. Also, its not good to let him control the whole house, lord knows we all live around him enough and I know the more I allow him to call the shots, the more tightly controlling he becomes. He is going to have to learn to cope with the transient and non-compliant aspects of life eventually if he is ever going to get on in life and I see it as my role to try and help him learn to be a little bit more flexible. He's never going to be laid back, but he can improve and I would be letting him down if I didn't help him to learn how.

Does any of that make sense? [ridiculously tired emoticon]

Thanks everyone...I am touched that you all replied to my (somewhat) rambling posts of last night!

moose I totally know what you mean wrt the gap widening between younger siblings....my ds2 is 2.5 and in some ways he is much less anxious than ds1 and deals with sensory issues much better than ds1 already (eg. yesterday we were at my mums and dad was fitting some wooden flooring and was using a circular saw outside...didnt bother ds2 one bit - he found the noise funny I think.

Ds1 - at that age - would have been inside with the door shut with a cushion over his head!

I realise that ds1 is ruling our lives right now and I know it isnt right (dh and I are like ships that pass in the night atm) but I dont know what to do to make it better? I am pretty much running on empty atm.........

dh has gone on one of his "jollies" (day trips to europe with his best friend) today (munich, I think) but I have told ds1 he had to go to work early and dh left him a little note saying the same thing.....if he knew the truth he would be so restless/anxious all day

sigh.....I am so tired....

floopy No, I have never had any help/support apart from the great people on the MN SN boards!!

I have been trying to get ds1 some help since he was 5 (year 1) and have failed, basically.

We HE'd for most of 2010 - and liked it - but it was becoming very clear to me that ds1 needed more "structured" help and if you HE, you get no funding/support/help from the LA wrt SN at all.

His new school is lovely and he seems to have fitted in really well...its a small village primary and the HT seems willing to listen to my concerns...we are going to have a meeting after ds1's comm paed appt.

We are also going to so another private therapy with him (AIT) hopefully at end of this month.

Ds1 does have balance/vestibular issues and we are doing retained reflex therapy with him atm.

I am getting to the end of my tether and I know this awful journey is only just beginning for us.........

I am getting to the end of my tether and I know this awful journey is only just beginning for us

No, no, no. You are well and truly over the worst part. Over this coming year you will complete AIT and retained reflex therapy. You will get better at 'communicating' with school. And things will get better.

Definately. Absolutely. I guarantee it :)

Because you are doing all the right things. You are curing the underlying problems that are causing some of his problems. Therefore those problems will get better.

There is not a single person on this board who has tried AIT and Retained Reflexes Therapy and not seen improvements........

Thanks indigo

Completely agree with what indigo said.

Of course you're going to have days that are bad and maybe even worse than yesterday, but that doesn't mean it will always be like that. It will get better, I promise.

Not sure if you read the bit when I asked you if you and your dh could possibly go out one day when he's at school and treat it as if you were going out in the evening. You really need a break, but if it's not possible for you to go out in the evening(at the moment......not forever)then that might be a good idea.

floopy Its oue wedding anniversary next weekend and we are planning an afternoon/evening out together. We do try, but we are just both so tired once the dc are asleep we tend to crash out too!