Could my DD's possible ASD really be my fault?

[Floopytheloopy]

Hi all

This question has always been in the back of my mind, but i've had to keep it there as it messes with my head too much. However i've just finished reading sleepyhorses thread and it's brought up the issue again.

I think that the general consensus was that it was a combination of genes and early experiences.

My DP and I are in quite an unusual situation, which I wont go into, but it's basically meant that weve been rather isolated. This obviously had a huge knock on affect to dd's socialising. I have made it no secret in the past that dd hasn't mixed enough and she did start pre school a little later than average. I suffered quite badly with depression, although it's not an excuse, I think it's important to make that clear. When her symptoms started to show clearly at 2.6 it almost turned into a catch 22 situation, in the sense that I assumed her social skills would improve the more she socialised, but to get to that point I had to go through all the tantrums, stares and pointing. Because I was in such a bad place when all this was happening, I would sometimes avoid certain places, such as parks and busy shops etc. Please don't think she was temporarily locked away, she still got out alot, but I know it should have been more.

If it's part genetic then it's hardwired. If it's part environment does that mean that it's also eventually hardwired. Is it a case of what's done is done? Is this really partly mt fault?

I wish you lived near me floopy, if your dd has that kind of imagination going on, I bet she would get on so well with my dd. My dd is the same, constant imaginative games going on, it exhausts me, her personality is so blumming forceful, she does seem to be quite diplomatic though, although not very much like the other girls in her class.

The school sounds shit tbh, I have no idea what you can do, but you need more support, your poor dd. Are there any ASD support/playgroups in your area?

Thank you everybody for taking the time out to post.

I don't know whether to feel relieved or sad. I'm starting to feel like although guilt is such an awful emotion, I feel that as a parent you almost use it as a sheild to the reality if that makes any sense. Every part of your child that is "wrong" has to be your fault because it's your job to make sure that nothing is wrong. I must make it clear that I am just pointing out what is going on in my head. It might not make sense to some of you. I hope it does.

Of course I don't want to think that any of this is my fault, but the idea that it's just nature makes me feel sort of out of control. Don't get me wrong, i'm not a control freak, but when it comes to my dd all I need to be able to do is protect her. I don't know how anymore.

Just for the record though she will be seeing a paed soon so please don't anybody think that i'm doing nothing. When I say I don't know what to do anymore, I mean exactly that. I don't personally know what I can do for her.

I hope that makes sense. I've kind of just let what's in my head come out so apologise if anybody is confused.

duckypooI wish I lived near you too! I have yet to meet another dc like mine. It would be lovely to get her together with another child who related. She really doesn't fit into a catagory which I fear will mean an uphill struggle with regards to help.

The over imaginative play really is exhausting isn't it. When people aren't around it all the time and they see it for a few hours they think how sweet it is. I have had many arguments with my mum about this. When I get stressed she will think i'm over reacting and say how wonderful it is that she has such an imagination. That's fine when you've just walked into the room, but when you've heard the same sentence for an hour, it's not so "wonderful". I am told that I am lucky because she can "entertain herself", but what does this mean?! I never switch off. I can always hear her, so it's not like I can ever really relax because I can't snap her out of it sometimes. It's crushing. I love her so much it's untrue so when I feel like we're sometimes on different planets it sole destroying.

Floopy, once you have a DX you could do with something like an Earlybird course or Help! which are courses run by the NAS for parents of DC with ASD. Or different courses if you get a different DX. Just to give you some pointers what you can do with your DD, to make you feel less helpless and out of control. The paed got me on an Earlybird course.

I found that as my DS went to a fantastic special early years school I had already had lots of support from SEN teachers, SALT and OT, so the most useful thing for me about the course was the network of parents I met. RL people in the same boat were my best resource. Can you find out if there are any support groups or local branches of NAS nearby?

I knew - from my ds1 being a very tiny baby - that he wasnt "normal" (?)

I know it is nothing I did or didnt do. I know that.

But at 4am, anything seems possible

Give yourself a break x

completely agree with SM and SWC - that it's not as simple as taking a kid with social difficulties to nursery/playgroup etc and assumingly they will miraculously will acquire social skills without support just by being around NT children. Even the better professionals can be a bit unreaslistic about the benefits of toddler groups IME.

so much of what you are feeling is normal for the early days of going down the SN path.

Sorry, havent read all replies but wanted to say that it is definitely NOT your fault. Kids who lived in Romanian orphanages with no socialising with anyone don't get autism, so lack of playing with other kid is not a problem.

When scientist talk about environmental causes of autism, they generally mean anything not genetic. That could include age of parents or illness in pregnancy or all sorts of things that you can't control. So don't feel guilty.

Floopy my dd doesn't have asd (well as far as I know,she is 7), but your post rings such a bell. My dd once she is in the game she is really in it, I can't walk anywhere without some kind of imaginative game ongoing between her and her brother, mostly her dictating the rules, telling him what to say , If I say the words "stop telling your brother what to say, he is not a puppet" once a day, I say it twenty times.

It drives me insane because of the constant constant narrative/chatter (buys earplugs) also the fact both of them take no notice of me whatsoever once they are in the zone. I'm glad they are close, and can play together, but I only get any sensible conversation out of them both when we are 1 on 1.

I empathise with the not being able to snap her out of it thing aswell, I explain that I would just like a normal conversation for once, or to just walk from A to B without all the backtracking, deviation, it is absolutely exhausting.

Do you find you have goodish periods and depths of hell terrible periods?

My DD totally regressed when she started playgroup, and lost all speech.

So that shows socialisation isn't something amazing and vital.

Also, relatives will always seek explanations in your parenting at first. I was told that my DD's delays were due to me spoiling and overprotecting her.

Err no, she has a chromosome deletion causing regressive autism. Do not listen to people who blame you.

Also, school should be helping your DD to make friends more. My DD is 4.6 and from day 1 the preschool she is at have encouraged the children to play and interact with DD. Now they are all genuinely fond of her and look after her, as the nursery worked hard on this.

So I would talk to the school.

Have a hug.

Another thing,i have pits of friends with kids, dd has many cousins and we went to endless toddler groups.

She still will barely look at another child and has never played with one.

*lots not pits.