Advice on dealing with friends issues

[AlisonJP]

We have a very difficult issue with our daughter who is 7.

She has just been diagnosed with Dyspraxia but the school teacher noticed that something was wrong mainly because of social issues.

She is in the same class as her younger sister aged 6 and also her sister's best friend.

The problem is that DD1 and DD2s best friend seem to clash horribly and are really aggressive towards each other. DD1 obsesses about it at home and is constantly calling her names and saying how much she hates her.

We obviously try to discourage and have punished her on occasions in the past but this only seems to make matters worse.

I have now seriously fallen out with her mother who thinks I am not dealing with the issue. Until very recently she was one of my best friends!

I really don't know what to do and am concerned that the school is going to start stepping in and punishing my daughter which will probably make matters worse.

Any advice / support would be very welcome!

Thanks,

Alison

I know it seems silly to ask, but any particular idea why she dislikes the other girl?

It has a long history but I think there is an element of jealousy as she is DD2s best friend. I think they just basically wind each other up and can't or won't keep away from each other.

My girls are very close both in age and friendship. I really don't think it has helped them both being in the same class.

There have been various incidents over the past few months and DD1 has difficulty with forgiveness.

Can you/school put then in different classes or even schools. This sound difficult to manage in the long term.

Hopefully they will be in different classes next year but it is a small village school so they don't have much flexibility.

I certainly wouldn't think about moving schools based on this especially as I also have DD2 to think about.

I am hoping that the school can help by keeping them apart and encouraging them to leave each other alone.

Will see what they have to say next week.

Thanks,

Alison

I think you are going to have to work with the school to address the issues tbh. If at all possible can the school split your two dd's and the friend into different classes.
Can school put in place a "circle of friends" for dd1 so that she has another focus at playtime and lunchtime.It sounds as though dd needs some support with friendships and her emotions so ask school how they can help.
I think you are also going to have to get tough at home and refuse to allow her to obsess about this girl and in particular not allow her to say nasty and hurtful things in your presence.
One of our house rules is to use kind words and there would be consequences each time if this was broken. You say dd takes the punishments badly, well that is positive really because it will be an incentive to keep to the rules.
Sometimes punishments are necessary even for children with SEN you could counter it with an incentive scheme as well with a reward chart for having a good day at school and for keeping to the house rules at home.
Your friend is obviously feeling hurt, perhaps you could have a chat let her see that you are addressing her worries and ask her for some support by encouraging her dd to stay away from dd1.Maybe because her dd is younger it feels like bullying to her.
Really hope you can sort this and not lose a friendship.

What about saying, 'We're dealing with it at home, but the school just aren't following our friendship programme for dd1, perhaps you'd have more impact, could you speak to the head and complain about the effect on your pfb of our dd1's special needs being unmet?'

Might or might not make the school situation better, but at least it sends a clear message to the friend that troubles within school are not your fault.

It sounds like a good situation for using social stories to help her to understand other people's actions and their points of view.

If she has social difficulties she may be struggling with theory of mind like those with ASD. She possibly can't understand why her sister wants to spend time with this girl if she, herself doesn't want to and may think that this child is controlling her sister and trying to hurt her. She might not have the insight to understand that they are simply enjoying each other's company.

I use social stories with my girls to try to put them in other children's places.

I might say something like

'X likes playing with you because you're fun to be around. She can play with you at school and at home so she has lots of opportunities to enjoy your company, isn't she lucky?
The thing is that most people would like to spend time with different friends too. That means that sometimes X likes to play with Y. That doesn't mean that X doesn't like you anymore but she knows she can play with you after school.
We can't stop our friends wanting to be with other people too so we sometimes have to make a choice. We either choose to leave them to it or to join in and be friendly to everyone.
You need to choose either to be with X and Y together and be friendly to both of them or to accept that this is X's time to be with Y and find someone different to be with. You will get your time with X later.'

If you use similar strategies to explain Y's actions and feelings you might find that she starts to understand the friendship and feel a little less threatened.

It's so hard when parent's get involved in children's fall-outs. I understand wanting to protect your children etc. but I will never allow my children to ruin my adult friendships if I can help it.

I agree with other poster's that this needs to be tackled and school need to take it seriously, I also suggest speaking to the child's mother again. Apologise for what is going on, explain you are doing all you can to solve the problem and tell her you don't want to lose her as a friend.

Hopefully she will be a bit more understanding.

Thanks for all your advice. I have spoken to the school this morning and they are going to give some thought to the best way of dealing with it. I was reassured that one of the options is not punishment.

I feel much better after speaking to the school and have confidence that they will be able to help.

DD2 tells me that I must apologise to her friends mum and forgive her for upsetting me! (At least I have taught her something about friendships) I guess it may be time to swallow my pride if only as an example to DD1!