Grandparents!!!! They mean well but..............

[Gigglebizmizz]

Ok so this is a bit of a sensitive subject and think I might be over reacting a bit but am having awful problems with my DH's dad. My DD has just recently been assessed by EP who thinks ASD and dyspraxia but DH's dad is of the the "there's nothing wrong with her what do these bloody people know" school of thought. I realise that they are right and she has issues Here is my problem a few months ago DH and his dad were busy looking after DH's sick mother we did not see a great deal of them as they were really busy and a very sad time. I was managing DD (aged 4) on my own and adopted a very firm no nonsense routine with her there were a few smacked bottoms and put in her room to throw tantrums etc well her behaviour changed radically the intense tantrums stopped she was polite and a raised eyebrow from me was all that was needed to reign in her temper and stop her tantrums in their tracks. It was like having a different child and more importantly she was much happier and content. Sadly DH's mother passed away last month and we have had his dad with us on a daily basis the problem is he treats DD as his best friend they play for hours and hours together he lets her shout at him and hit him without telling her off she throws tantrums when I try to get her to stop playing with him to eat her tea or go to toilet(will prefer just to wet herself) When I put her to bed he goes up and reads her countless stories and she won't go to sleep and keeps shouting for him to go and see her. She is rude and disrespectful to him because he lets her and I have noticed she will just go up and approach men in the park etc to play with them almost like she thinks that grown men are her mates children are not.

Problem is I can see this is damaging DD I feel all my good work is undone but whenever DH mentions it to his dad he huffs or sulks and thinks we are being horrible to him and to DD.

Am I being horrible??? Sorry for big long rant. Things a bit frosty between me and DH who does not obviously want to upset his dad and still upset at loss of his mum any advice appreciated guys. Thanks for reading.

Oooooh, difficult one.

Firstly, I am sorry for the loss of your mother inlaw.

I have the same kind of problem, but a rather different situation......if that makes sense.

I don't think you're being horrible atall. I think you're completely justified in feeling frustrated and angry at your good work being undone. And it is.

It is obviously a really difficult time for all of you, but your DH is going to obviously be extra protective over his dad for a long while yet and you just can't wait that long. He could be doing a lot of damage, as you know.

Do you have the kind of relationship with your FIL where you could go out just the two of you? If you do, couldn't you just talk to him about it gently and explain that you understand that he's very close to your DD and that they're buddies, but things need to change for her sake(and of course yours)

Tell him about that day you had with her, where she was an angel comparatively. Really stress though that you don't want their bond to be affected in any way. The last thing he'll need at the minute is to feel like someone else is being taken away.

Hope that helps. :)

I agree that this is a difficult one. In many ways he is being a typical grandfather - spoiling your dd, letting her get away with stuff etc which is imo is Ok-ish when it is once in a while but not if it is every day.

So I dont think you would be being horrible to mention it, but perhaps it is your DH who needs to be talking to his father about it rather than you?

Long term it really isnt doing your FIL any favours to be spending so much time with you - I know he has just lost his wife but he needs to be mixing with his friends and getting back to his own life. Perhaps you and your daughter need to gradually withdraw from being around him so much. Can you try putting him off visiting one day(to start with) or going out with your dd and not him?

Tough one, I agree. I agree that it's important that you assure him that he is welcome to bond with your DD and spend time with her, but that there are
"house rules" for her sake and you expect him to obey those. We have those, especially for things where DH and I disagree, but are happy to follow one set of rules, if thins makes sense. Then I can say, "well this is the house rule" to DC
and re-inforce it, even if it is not what I personally would enforce (amd they know this exactly...). We also do this when we have DC friend's over. We ask them to please obey the "house rules", and clealy lay them out.

Hi Giggle
This is a hard one indeed. Being a mother of plenty inc 2 SLD plus a nanna I see exactly where you're coming from but also sympathise with your FIL. I tend to think my baby grand daughter can do no wrong (although to be fair her mum would agree at this stage, she's only just turned 1) but I'd like to think I would not tolerate bad behaviour if it occurred either. Nor would I disagree with mum in front of little one when she's older.
Was your FIL soft like this with your hubby? Did he leave all the disciplining to your MIL? Or is it a new thing? If it's relatively new it might have more to do with the fact that he's grieving and too vulnerable to impose strict rules on his princess (Oops sorry i mean grand daughter!)
If he never did use discipline then it's unlikely he'll start now : (
If your FIL is like my ol' lump of a husband he won't want to make a scene (we're like good cop,bad cop!) but you do need to let him know, as well as your daughter, that you are the boss in your house and your rules apply. Even if he doesn't want to discipline her he must obey your rules, end of. Tell him straight- sounds like he needs discipline as much as her lol.
He'll probably feel hard done by but tough, you're the one who is left to pick up the pieces after he's gone home and got back on with his own life!

Thanks everyone some great advice as always and you have made me feel a little less like a mini Mummy Hitler. Definitely would not be able to talk to him myself when he is here it is like he is on a "playdate" and he barely utters two words to me we had a day without him today and I actually got to spend some quality time with DD but did spend a lot of it telling her off as she has picked up some bad play habits from FIL her new one is to push each other off a tree stump in the garden. DH thinks as FIL hasn,t been here today it is back to business as usual but I am staying firm and having another day off as I am ashamed to say I lost the plot and shouted at him yesterday( he criticised me for putting DD to bed so early and then when I was trying to get a stick off her in the car she was waving it close to her baby bro's face he told me I was going to poke her in the eye!!!!) I just feel like everywhere I turn he is there so space is going to be the key issue maybe just have a few days that he comes and I love the "house rules" idea would it be too much if I got him to sign a contract? lol

As my old aunty used to say, Giggle "Put yer foot down wiv a firm hand" !!!!!