ASD son has withdrawn £100s from his account!

[TotallyUtterlyDesperate]

Sorry, posted this in Special Needs: Teens, but no-one answered!

Name change says it all - we are now at the end of our tether completely and I am sitting here shaking at what will kick off when our son comes home.

He is 21 and has mild ASD and learning difficulties. Over the last few days he has been behaving a bit strangely - furtive and angry in turns. Today, we have discovered that he has withdrawn nearly £1000 from his account and has bought 3 very expensive cameras - just about identical. Two of them in the last few days.

We were trying to help him work towards independence and so allowed him his card to get about £20 per week from his account. Now it looks as if he has gone stark staring mad by buying these things. He already had a basic camera which he has no idea how to use anyway!

I am now shaking with nerves as I just know everything will kick off with him and DH when he gets home. Some backstory - both DH and I are very ill ourselves. DH is disabled and retired from work about 10 years ago. I have a long-term chronic illness and have only just returned to work after 5 months off. We just can't take any more aggression and violence from DS - one minute he is like a little child - sweet, cuddly and lovely. The next, he does something crazy like this and kicks off!

DH wants him to leave, but I worry myself sick because he is like a 10 year old in a man's body. Just don't know what to do - feeling sick and ill again.

Could someone else be taking advantage of him? Do you get any help from adult care services?
There's nonpoi t getting angry because nothing is ever moved forward by yelling. It's his money and clearly he feels he should spend it. What's the money normally for? What will be the result of his spending money?
And tbh £20 a week seems very little IMO

No, we know that this is just about him - we have the cameras and the receipts and he can't explain why he bought so many. We don't get much help as our county is closing everything down for YAs with relatively mild conditions (as they put it). He has more than £20 per week, but we asked him to only take that much out of his account each week as there had been issues of him obsessively using the ATM before! We give him more money as and when he needs it and there is no problem - we don't leave him short of cash. It is so hard to balance his need to be independent with him doing things like this - although it has never been so much money before.

When he did come home, we had calmed down a lot and didn't yell at him. He just burst into tears as he had been worrying about our reaction. He has had a nice bath and is going to bed. He really is a child in a man's body most of the time.

Thanks for answering lisad123

If he does need the card, I would tempted to take it off him. Then sit down with him and do a weekly budget with him and then give him that plus little extra, explain he needs to budget for what he needs and needs to save for things he wants.
Can you take cameras back? Sell them on?

I have two girls with autism and know the obsessive behaviours and fixing on certain objects gets mad! My dad (who I swear has asd) had 30 mobile phones at one point!!!
Sorry the help isn't great, can you shout bit louder?

can you go to the bank with ds and explain to them about the problems? they can put things into place so that he can't take so much money out in that amount of time. also your ds can sign paperwork so the bank can text you if he does try and buy anything expensive to alert you to problems.i had this problem with my ds he took bank loans out and gave it to his mates.

I second Maryz's suggestion...
If he is not actually competent to manage his money, why on earth has he an account with access to all of it?!

Presumably his DLA or whatever goes into the account he is accessing? I'd open another account( with him obviously), and have a small amount transfer into it as a standing order on a weekly basis..and a cashpoint card for that. That way he can still be independent but not overspend!

My son is younger (14) but with ASD and moderate learning difficulties and we have already opened a JOINT account. At the moment he doesn't use it but when he is 16 he will have a card and be able to access the money I transfer into it. I absolutely agree it is important to be as independent as possible but within the individual's capabilities.

It also sounds as though you are struggling generally if DH is threatening to kick your son out:( Are you getting any support for him and for yourselves? Could your son go on a list for supported housing ? I know how horrible it is to have to beg for help but it might be worth it in the long run...

lisad123 Yes, we have done all of the budgeting stuff with him and he can work this out for himself. This incident was totally unprecedented - he has never done anything like it before, so we weren't prepared!

Thanks to everyone else - I really appreciate your replies and suggestions. He doesn't have access to all of his money at all! This was just one account that had some extra money built up from his birthday - usually it has a lot less in it. His main accounts are not accessible to him as we control them for him (with his total agreement).

DH has rung all of the shops today to ask them if they will take the cameras back - unfortunately he has used them all, so we may have some problems with this.

The threatening to kick him out was just us being stressed - we know that he couldn't cope on his own, even with support. But we also are aware that long-term we need to get something in place for him, especially as we are both unwell and in our 50s. At the moment, he has got some supported work in place, but that is all being cut by our local authority from this summer and all his support workers are being made redundant!

So much for the Big Society and "we are all in this together"!

could you maybe sell them on gumtree or ebay as new used once with box and reciept, or photgraphy forums with a buy and sell section. now that you have found out and the money is gone see what you can get back by selling them and then draw a line under it or you will have a really stressful easter.

maryz Yes, I agree - I thought parenting a child with ASD was hard enough as we had to fight for everything. But at least we did get some help at school/college etc. When they get to adulthood, everything seems to disappear as if they are somehow "cured"!!

jennylee DH has been on the phone to the shops and we are travelling to one town (hour's journey) tomorrow to try to get them to refund us for the most expensive one. We may be OK as we still have the original box and receipt for that one.

I have no experience of Ebay and so would be very nervous of trying to use that to sell them. We'll see - hope we can get back some of the money!

Good news! Thanks to DH ringing the shop and pleading our case, I was able to take the most expensive camera in today (hour's drive each way) and get a full refund - really pleased. Now to try deal with the other two!

Well I need a new camera how much you looking for?

liasd123 That's very kind of you, but we have now realised that DS was conned with the other 2 cameras. He bought them both second hand and loads of parts are missing. So, DH will have yet another thing to deal with (he's much better at this kind of thing than I am!).

maryz We are OK as far as his accounts are concerned in that DS trusts us to help him run them. We have taken his cards from him and will give him weekly cash again. He does seem to understand how silly he has been. Of course, that wouldn't stop him in the future if he got a similar obsession about something else! I hope you manage to work something out with your son.

His other obsession at the moment is thinking that he has broken the law in some way and that he should go to the police and confess. This is driving me crackers at the moment as he keep looking up things on the web and working out how he should be punished. Particularly for tiny things he might have done in the past e.g. like scratching his initials onto a bus shelter, or forgetting to wash his hands before handling food. It's maddening!

Totally, you and your DP sound like great parents.

I'm sad and angry to see how the cuts are ruining people's quality of (and equality in) - life.

I've just tried to find info on the NAS website about the autism bill and failed, sorry. Basically local councils by law now have to provide joined-up services for adults with autism - and you can put serious pressure them if they don't (as I understand it). I've had good results from contacting my MP and local council about issues too.

Sorry if I'm teaching granny here but is there a local NAS (or similar) branch in your area? Maybe a support/friendship group for young adults? Help for you? Any charities or community groups doing anything that could help your ds? He sounds lovely too btw

Could you set up two separate accounts, one for bills and essentials like food and the other for spending?

tallwivglasses Thanks for your help - yes, we are accessing everything that is available here (not much and most of that is closing due to the cuts). Something is supposed to be replacing these, but we are still waiting to hear.

bullet234 We do have several accounts for his money, although we don't need to separate them for food etc as he still lives with us and will do for the foreseeable future. Thanks for the suggestion, though :)