Feel so very alone.......

[Becaroooo]

......ds1 (aged 7) has his appt with the comm paed on May 23rd.

I am losing sleep because of this appt already......dh is not very "involved" as he is struggling to accept that ds1 is not "normal" (PILs also very negative) and I know at the appt I will be talking to the paed and dh will just sit there again.

ds1 is currently having retained reflex therapy (we have another appt with them on thursday) and at the first appt he just sat there and later on told me he felt the doctor was "intrusive".....wtf does that even mean?????

The therapists seem to think ds1 has dyspraxia and APD (and I agree) but am not sure what the comm paed will think or what he will think of ds1 having the RRT?

I am completely and utterly exhausted, mentally, emotionally and physically....

How do I cope with the appts that are coming up and how do I control my increasing resentment towards dh wrt his attitude to ds1?

Hi Becaroooo, I am responding regarding the dh side of your post, as I can relate to this being a Dad to a SN child. My son is 10 who has Speech and lanaguage delay, APD and currently awaiting yet another DX to see if he is ASD (long story). I struggled for 2-3 years to accept my son was different, I am a very sporty person and football is a big passion of mine, when we had my son I couldn't wait to play football with him and do all other types of sports together, unfortunately he just couldn't seem to follow instructions and understand the concept of what he was doing. I am ashamed to admit I felt disappointed and wished he was like all the other boys. However to me this doesn't matter anymore I love my son very much and very proud of him for coping with the stresses and pressures put on him. My partner and I argued all the time over him, just becuase I couldn't come to terms with it all, now I am the main compaigner for my son, I am leading the fight for him to get all the help I can, currently going through the statementing process. My partner can not believe the change in me but it's simple I have woken up and accepted him for what he is and love him and support him. I play football with him in the park and that's good enough for me. I hope your dh comes round like I did, it take time.
Not sure if I helped or not.

A lot of mums i know are in a very similar situation to you. It is good nickminlink to hear a different perspective, as i come from the Becarooo side of things.
DH is an excellent provider, works long hours, often away for weeks and has lots to catch up on at weekends. Work seems to come first, but then maybe he feels that no work = no security and that is his 'role'?
He has been to 1 paediatrician appt - at the paediatrician's request . 2 parent evenings and 1 GP appt with the kids. That is his total for 3DS ages 8, 6 and 3. All are with or have been with comm paed, gastroenterologist and SALT. There have also been ENT and OT, Physio and CAMHS.
I keep him as informed as i can, he says that he understands, but i have my doubts. I think i should have guessed with DS1 when he said he was going to play golf on the first day we brought him home from the hospital, that he was never going to be that 'hands on' - but he does love them. I think he sees it as 'quality' not 'quantity' of time spent.
I'm not making excuses for him. i just really don't think he sees this as an issue. His dad was the same, and probably his dad too. I'm trying to break the pattern with our DSs.
My advice, fwiw, is tell him how you feel and don't let the resentment build up. Or you will become like many mums i know - resigned to the fact that you are seemingly responsible for everything that goes on with BOTH of your DCs.
Sorry - negative i know, but with hindsight, i would have dealt with things better

Hi i know what that feels like my dh hates attending all the appointments and generally just sits there.He is a great dad and provides for us but just hates all the appointments if he can get out of them he will.He wasn't even at the appointment when we had our dd's dx although give him his due we were not expecting it on that day but still.Quite often the consultant will ask to see him at the next appointment but he will just sit there noddeing his head.I think sometimes men may see things differently and cope with things in a different way.

whatever the paed thinks of RRT, hold your head up high that you have gone down that route because you wanted to do the best you could for your child. I have no idea either way TBH whether RRT is the best way forward it's not something I know much about, it's worth taking the paed's opinion seriously but bearing in mind that unless they care for a child with SEN/SN you have a huge amount of practical behaviour management experience etc that they don't.

re:DH - is your DH a bit of a bottler up? just wondering if he does see the issues but clams up, rather than not seeing the issues... bit of a stereotype but often men don't tend to be as attuned to the contrast with typically developing kids, having not done the toddler group circuit etc. My DH is great at going to appointments and school stuff but tends to let me do the talking (and I suspect cringe if I repeat myself too much!). What would you like your DH to do more of? TBH I think I just wanted DH to read what I read and agree with me . I think with hindsight it was a good thing that DH wasn't as desperately worried as I was, as it would have poleaxed our family completely if we had both been very unhappy.

Yes, it can definitely be a lonely process. It took dp much longer to get his head around anything to do with ds2; dp doesn't like change much and his anxiety and worries about ds2 can across as off handedness or denial but that's his stuff. He is mostly on the same page as me with ds2 now; however not quite the same as with dd3 who I think has apd (she even said herself last week, when people talk to me why don't i understand them?) I have to remember not to take it personally and forge ahead myself - hence the lonely process! Keep posting Becaroo, it helps.

My DH has found it really hard to accept DS2. He finds his behaviour really embarrassing at times and I have tokeep pointing out all DS has achieved (he is 16with AS). I think he has done things I would never have imagined he was capable of. DH sees what hecan't do and how he is different from the other DCs. I think some men are just like that.

Aww you poor thing you sound so down. My oh wasn't supportive at the start with dd1 when we were getting her ADHD dx. However now he is fab and a great advocate for her and has frequently spoken out on her behalf to other parents (albeit rather rudely!!) who have made inappropriate comments. With dd2 he has been fab. I think with hubby's they generally do take more time to come to terms with these things.

My hubby can't always get time off to come to appointments with me and when he can he usually looks after one dc while I do the appointment as he puts his trust in me to fight their corner. This is a good thing as I know if I left it up to him he probably would go in there and say dd1 has been fine just a bit lively at times! and he would forget the important stuff! I got as many leaflets and books as I could and made oh read them x

I feel like I could have wrote your post. I feel the same. Thank you for nickminiink for you insight in to the male point of view.

The best thing I did is start going to a group for children with additional needs. My children are at school when its on but they welcome mums alone too. I get coffee, cake, a massage and a chat and it really makes me feel better.

nick That was really helpful, thank you. Its great you are such an advocate for your ds.

My dh loves our dc very much and is a great dad BUT wrt ds1...its been me on my own making every decision since his birth pretty much. I ended up with late onset PND and I really believe that the lack of support (emotional support I mean) was what made me ill. I used to be up all night worrying about ds1 - his dx was pretty bleak at one stage -and I would be wondering about special schools, adapting the house etc etc...he WOULD NOT discuss it. It was hard. I had no-one (hadnt discovered MN back then)

Dh is very unadaptable He finds change hard and is not one of lifes emotional people (which is why we make such a good pair I guess as I am the opposite).

auntie that sounds so hard, I'm sorry. I feel a bit pathetic when I hear stories like yours...there are people on here dealing with much worse issues than me and here I am falling apart

Have had a word with dh tonight...well, I tried...ended up sobbing. He did talk to me then....I think he was shocked tbh..I am not a crier usually.

Ds1 is not the child I imagined having when I was expecting....just like dh.

I imagined outings to the cinema, theatre, meetings with friends etc....none of which we can do - ds1 hates the cinema and our only outing to the theatre was not a success.

I am envious of mothers who can make plans and not immediately start worrying about whether their child will cope/be happy/get anxious.

It wasnt supposed to be like this. I am so tired. I am just so tired.