Have been sent over from main site, dd is making life hellish please help

[Stressimodo]

She is 11 so starting puberty also which is making things worse.
She has dyspraxia and I do everything I can to make life easy for her, but everyday is a battle. Right now she is muttering and whining at me and I feel like I'm going to explode.
There is always something wrong but she will never explain what it is, she will mutter from the minute she gets up to the minute she goes to bed unless we are doing something she likes or she has me to herself. But the worse thing she does is the tantrums she can go for hours and is very loud, we have just moved and the neighbours are not very nice but then again they are probably pissed off at hearing her kick off from 6am, even in the garden she will tantrum or shout.
She hurts the other dc, I am stressed and then I shout at them for arguing back with her, I cry in front of them. I can't do another day with her, oh flame me but today I feel like I hate her .
She ruins mealtimes by refusing to sit with us she will push herself away and eat turned to the side, she ruins days out by stressing about them, she ruins visits- today a friend is coming over with her dd's and that is the cause of todays tantrum.
Today she has hurt her sister and ripped her wallpaper, when her friends were here she changed into a perfect child and then was awful again as soon as they went.
I am struggling -I have just rang dp and told him he has to take unpaid leave because I'm scared of her
Please tell me how to cope.

You won't get flamed here stressimodo, most of us at some time or another have had negative feelings towards a dc that we love very much. It sounds extremely stressful for you and your family atm. It also sounds very overwhelming for dd, could part of her unsettledness be your recent move perhaps? Sounds to me that the GP, maybe a Referral to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service) might help.

Does she find it too much sitting with you all at dinner time?

Also a good piece of advice that I was given is "pick your battles".

How much of dd's behaviour do you think is down to hormones and how much do you think is down to her dx? Does she like routine, for example.

Sorry, waffled a bit, someone else will be along with a clearer plan I expect! x

Hi you poor thing I agree with the above that you need to pick you battles - although I still haven't learnt to do this with my my dd yet!! It is stressful with kids never mind SN kids and girls I did can be particularly troublesome! I think we have all gone through very negative thoughts about our kids SN or not and it's all about how we get through these times. When my dd2 was 12 months old I couldn't cope with her not sleeping anymore and I walked out in middle of night and went for a coffee in homeless shelter :) dH was there of course to look after DCs but I just felt at that time I had to get away and go somewhere no one knew me! Try and get some time out for yourself if you can (I don't recommend homeless shelters though!) or perhaps time just you and dd. x

Reading this having screamed at my four and a half year old DD who has medical issues (quite severe at times) and speech and language impairment, also severe. The guilt is awful and I always beat myself up as she can't help some of the behaviour but we are human. Wanted you to know you aren't alone.

I agree breaks are crucial and I find my DD's behaviour better when I am preparing her well in advance over and over about whats going to happen. Other than that not got experience but someone on here will do.

Typing as DD yells mummeeeee! So better go and take her back to bed again.

Stressimodo you sound like you're doing your best under very very difficult circumstances.

There are a few things about what you've posted which sound very familiar to me. I have a 13 year old DD with Asperger's Syndrome.

I agree that you need to see your GP and ask for a referral to CAMHS.

I would also try and get hold of one of Tony Attwood's books on Asperger's Syndrome.

This book has been my bible since DD1 fell to pieces after starting High School 18 months ago.

I know there can be some crossover between Dyspraxia and AS but I think it's worth having a read to see if things fall into place at all.

Hi stressimodo, I was one of those who recommended[sp] that you come over here.

I agree with al1son, your Dd is showing some of the behaviours that can appear with Aspergers.

I wouldn't dream of Dx ing her but I know there are a lot of cross overs between dyspraxia and AS.

Funnily enough I talked about this he other day with our CAMHS person and he agred that there are similarities.

Tony Attwoods book is really good and so is Luke Jackson's freaks, geeks and aspergers syndrome.

We use visual things to help us with Dd3 such as rule posters we have one about personal space and one about speaking nicely to people.

We also use a red and yellow card system[like football] for when her behaviour is unacceptable and a visual timetable to help her get organised in the mornings.

Hope you are feeling a bit better tonight and that tomorrow is a better day.

Oh meant to say Dd3 is 8 and is borderline dyspraxic and almost certainly on the autistic spectrum somewhere. I also have Dd1[22]on the spectrum but no Dx.

Glad you came and good luck.

When my DS (ADHD) was 11 I felt just like you and ended up ringing social services and begging them to take him into care! So know just how desperate things can get. The did send a social worker out for a few months and she was very helpful, not least giving me a book on food colourings (much more virulent in those days than today) which helped enormously.
Seriously as others have said you need help from professionals just to allow you to step back and gain a bit of perspective. School, GP etc should provide some support and guidence.
Good Luck

Can't really offer any advice, my little one hasn't reached this stage yet but i'm already dreading it!

Just wanted to say it's completely normal to feel over-whelmed and like you can't cope and it dosn't make you any worse or better a parent.

I hope you manage to get some support in place to help you all.

My daughter has different additional needs but her behaviour has REALLY changed for the worst since puberty. She is more impulsive, hits her sister constantly, argumentative and then heartbreakingly weepy.

I find it very hard trying not to 'square up' to her and do constantly tell her off. I need to listen to the advice here and back off a lot I think.

I wondered about aspergers too. If she is violent, I would consider going to GP and getting referred to CAMHS. A lot of pals of mine have had great success with meds like strattera or ritalin, just to calm down the worst of the symptoms.