Am struggling with mum and toddler get togethers

[sleepyhorse]

ds who is nearly 3 still doesn't talk and has been refered to a paediatrician by SALT which I'm finding really hard as not sure what outcome is going to be. I have a lot of friends with little boys too and today we spent the day round a friend's who had a get together and there were a group of little boys there all younger than my ds and all talking really well. I just found this so hard and heart breaking as just kept thinking that should be ds. Is anyone else struggling with this??

I did, and sadly stopped going. It's hard but you do get used to it in the end. Has SALT hinted at anything? Is there a any SN groups in your area?

I stopped going too as just couldn't cope but it's going to depend on how well you know the mothers, could you meet just one at a time so you don't have to see large groups of children who are talking to each other.

Yup I found it awful at first. Why can they have children who understand and act appropriately and I can't. It used to break my heart everytime I saw a child DS's age.

This was until I started working in reception, had to deal with it on a daily basis and sort of numbed to it. I love DS and if I were to change him he wouldn't be DS.

Keep going if you can, support of other mums is something I really needed after a while.

I agree that the more you avoid it, the more it can shock you when you encounter it unplanned ( as it's not possible to totally avoid NT children) but give yourself some time for a while

I found it easier to be around mums to big families than mums where their only kid was the same age as mine, as the big family mums weren't so competitive and had a better sense of perspective iyswim.

btw I found it harder at and about at random events than with my closest friends with kids the same age, as with the kids I had seen from being a baby, I saw them as being a little person in their own right, rather than just some random kid the same age who was achieving loads more than my boy.

I also think it depends on the mums. I got fed up with the "oh she isn't sitting up yet" "oh isn't she walking yet" and this was before we knew anything was wrong, but the older she gets the more outward her behaviours become, so we tend to spend time with people who get it :)

Yep think I need a bit of time to get my head round things a bit. It all seems to have happened so quickly with ds, a few months ago everything in my life was normal, the fact that ds didn't talk wasn't a major concern as had heard children develop at different times etc etc but then when the speech therapist mentioned he isn't giving as much eye contact as he should be and having a short attention span hence difficult for her to play with him I knew where this was going. It was soon after these comments that she said she wanted to refer him to a paed so naturally I'm thinking the worse now and that he may have ASD. Trying not to jump to conclusions but when you read so much on the Internet that could be ds it just freaks you out.

Don't panic just yet, but also know life with ASD isnt always as bad as your brain thinks it is. Everyone knows the kids with Asd who sit in the corner rocking but that's not it. He is still him and clearly you know him well and have a wonderful relationship which is great. I have two girls here with asd at different levels and the youngest (who is most affected) has come on so far in last few months.
See what local support there is, it's great. Also we were told to treat dds like they had Asd as it wouldn't do any harm.

Thanks Lisa. appreciate your advice xx

Hi Speepyhorse. I can understand why you must find these groups difficult and there is no harm in skipping one now and then, but on the whole I think it is really important that you keep going. Partly because you may find support amongst the other mums (some will be more sympathetic than others but I'm sure there are good people amongst them) and because your child will benefit from an unselected peer contact. Please don't give up!

I feel the same way too. The more dd gets older the (she is 4) the more you can see it. Though her expressive lang is getting much better but not on the scale of other children of her age, its so . DD finds it hard to wait for things, and its so when other children her age and younger can wait in queues for paying for sweets, bouncy castle, carousel, and dd is having a mahoosive meltdown.

I still meet up with friends of NT children though as i feel that dd learns from being with and around them, and i feel its because she goes to a mainstream preschool that i have noticed her language and behviour getting better. That she has NT role models to learn from, as these are the people she will be with in society and you cant hide away forever.

Also we were told to treat dds like they had Asd as it wouldn't do any harm".

I totally disagree with this, they are a child first and formost not a disability. If you want your dc with ASD to improve you have to have goals and challenges, to just accept their behaviour and make excuses for it is a bit . With dd i still discipline her if she is naughty or if she does not wait in a queue for her sweets, i will warn her a couple of times that if she does not stop crying we will put them back and go, and if she still carries on i will put the sweets back and walk away. I will not open sweets before paying as how will she learn what is acceptable and not acceptable. As a result of this she is a bit better at waiting.

Being told to treat Dd3[8] as if she has an ASD was the best bit of advice I have ever been given.

It was recently too, we have been on the assessment trail for 2 years and finally got referred to CAMHS, who said this to us.

It has opened up so much for us, we have intriduced a visual timetable, a red and yellow card system and moved Dd3 to a more inclusive school, all with the help and support from people on here and with the knowledge that Dd3 needs some extra support.

It is good advice, I to expect my Dd3 to behave and am endevouring to teach her nice manners but she has big problems with social communication, that is part of who she is and we have to work with it.

Exactly ineedalife my dd 4 has social communication problems speech and lang developmental delay, the paed is still deciding on the dx for dd but going down the ASD route. Yes it is part of who your dc is, and at times i have problems accepting it myself especially when i see her NT peers talking for England. I have to accept dd for who she is and to treat her how i would have treated an NT child. I have found the Hanen Course run by the NHS SALT so good and has helped us to commuincate to her more affectively, and for her to use more verbal communication

The advice to treat your DC as if they have ASD, is not to give them excuses for bad behaviour, but to start helping them to achieve ASAP. If you work out what makes him tick you can find ways to aid his understanding and reduce ant frustration. Things that come completely naturally to NT children have to be managed and taught to children with ASD. This extra help won't hurt a child who hasn't got ASD.

The Hanen course and methodology is an ideal starting point. The Hanen book 'More than Words' (expensive) is excellent and can be bought from Winslow Press. Lots of people recommend it on here. I found it explained my DS's behaviour really well and gave me lots of really good advice to improve his communication. Your SALT will probably agree.

pigletmania... you are confusing me, I am not one to pick a fight but I can assure you that you will not be able to treat your Dd as if she is NT if she has an ASD, it just doesn't work.

Our children need different types of strategies in order to help them to succeed in a NT world.

You cannot force them to fit in, you have to find ways to teach them how to overcome the obstacles that ASD puts in their way.

Since coming on this forum I have learned so much that I wish I had known 18 years ago when Dd1 missed out on a correct DX.

I think the point is piglet that you can't merely treat your child with ASD as NT. Because they need so much more. You have to help them in those areas that a NT child finds on their own. You have to do more, not sit back and say, "He/she has ASD, so I'm going to give up and blame it all on ASD."

If that's what you thought we meant when we say, "Treat them as if they have ASD," you were mistaken.

I agree with you Ellen totally, you do need to lable to get help and to help you understand why they do the things they do and that there is a reason to their behaviour.

ineedalife mabey I did not make myself clear, like Ellen has said I am not going to give up on my dd, she has to say please and thank you like anyother child, I will not accept rudeness or bad behaviour. I try to limit situations which make her distressed but i aslso want her to adapt in the NT world too. I dont want her to think that just because she has ASD she cannot do what she wants in life. Believe me I have SPLD (Dyslexia/Dyscalculia) dyspraxia, how i survived MS with no support is beyond me, but I did.

The teachers at school called me lazy, thick, stupid, said that all I could do was unskilled work. I left school with a smattering of medicore GCSEs. I went to college and re took them, I enrolled on a vocational Health and Social Care course which was the equivalent of 2A Levels, my tutor was great, he believed in me when my school did not. He encouraged me to apply for uni , i never thought that I could do it. Just to shorten things a little, I have a BA (hons) 2.1 in Psychology and and MSc Health Psychology (Merit) and hopefully go onto do a PHd in Clinical Psychology and specialise in Child Psychology.

I want dd to fufill her full potential whatever that may be, and dont want having a lable to hold her back, and thinking I have ASD I cannot do anything. I understand that she will need help to achieve this, the earlier the better, that is why we are having her statmented.

Sleepyhorse, when Dd3 was little she found groups of people hard to deal with, we used to go to toddler groups and if she coped fine we stayed, if she didn't we left.

We used to go with a couple of my friends with children to the soft play during the week when it was quiet.

Please don't stop socialising completly because you will feel isolated but always be preared to keep it brief if you or your Ds isn't coping.

Good luck.