Holidays pushing me over the edge

[YakkaSkink]

I haven't been on MN in a couple of years, but I feel as though I'm going to explode and writing it down has got to be better than just crying. It's only one week into the holidays and it's hellish: DS is just 5 and a couple of weeks ago, I finally had to start the ball rolling and accept that I think he has some real problems going on. He is regularly violent to other children, teachers and to me, his social skills are way behind where they should be and whatever I do, I'm not getting through to him, I seem to spend my whole time gently explaining things and trying to show him how to tackle different situations - but nothing changes; or shouting at him and punishing him but still nothing changes. Often he's lovely and sweet (mostly if I give him my undivided attention, but I can't do that all the time and he has to learn to share my time with the other demands on it), mostly at the moment he's defiant in the extreme and constantly doing everything in his power to try to take charge of me.

So far, all I can understand is that he'll go to the back of a long queue to see a developmental paediatrician and that I can start work on getting him a statement (the school are great and supportive), but I'm already at cracking point and I'm not being the nice calm parent that he needs: I'm being very shouty. I'm a single parent, I can't afford to pay the mortgage and I've been trying to go back to work for the last 3 1/2 years, but there is no hope of any childcare setting taking him and no hope of a job that will fit into the hours the school have him. I'm self-employed, although the business is not making a living yet, as that's the only thing that I think I can make work around DS, but it's still not digging us out of serious money problems - and my sanity would be better served by going out to work. I can't see DLA being likely without a diagnosis, although I'm going to try anyway and I'm no expert, but I can't think what they're likely to diagnose him with - two of his half-sibs have HFA, but I don't think he really fits the bill (first words at 12 months) and I don't think it's AS either (Do you want to go this way to school today instead? Yes, OK mummy) although it does seem to me as though it might be some kind of ASD. His dad visits once every six weeks and takes him out for the day (from 10-5 - I have to provide lunch or he won't feed DS) and pays no maintenance, none of my family will have him as he's 'too difficult' - and they live too far away anyway.

I'm trying to find out how to restrain DS safely (he tantrums and runs) as I got covered in bruises yesterday as I was pinning him to the floor in Lidl. I feel like a terrible mother but I don't seem to be able to do anything to alleviate DS's behaviour and this week has been unbearable.

Don't really know what I'm asking for, but sitting down and typing this has at least made me feel calmer.

Welcome back Yakka.

I find holidays a struggle as well. My Dc don;t break up until tomorrow, o I've got two weeks ahead that I am not looking forward to.

Have school said anything about his behaviour? Would they be willing to get CAMHS involved to see if there is anything underlying?

Glad you feel better for geting it all out. Sometimes it helps just to see it down in black and white.

{{hugs}}

Sounds like you are having a tough time of it

First of all 'money', you can claim DLA without a dx (its based on a childs needs not dx), if you get DLA you can claim carers allowence (if your earnings are low).

My dd1 has AS and some slight ADHD traits, with her it seems to be the more attention i give her the more she craves so i try and find a couple activities a day thet she can do on her own (whilst i get on with other things), i give her a choice of activities so she feels she's getting a say in what she's doing (some choice).

Dd1 doesn't really get violent but has gone to throw a few things, if iwas to restrain her i think i would make things worse, it works for some children but not others, if he is sensitive to touch then being restrained could make things worse (make him hit out, kick out ect...). You need to work out what triggers the violence/aggresion (keep a diary) and then find a way for him to cope with it the best he can. I know a few people use a traffic light system so he can let you know how he's feeling (green-good, amber-slightly anxious/angry and red-very angry). I wish i could offer more advice, i'm sure someone will be along with something more helpful.

Sorry it's so rubbish at the moment. I always felt really guilty to dread the holidays, as all the yummy mummies at school used to go on about lovely quality time, baking cakes or something. My DS was much better with the structure of school and I needed the break.

Haven't really got any advice, just sympathy!

First of all, so sorry you're having difficulties. But don't discount the idea of DLA. You don't need a diagnosis - we don't have a firm diagnosis, just a rather tentative set of them, and DS2 is receiving DLA. So definitely fill it out and turn it in! DLA is more concerned about the level of care they need.

Second, there are so many variations of symptoms and behaviours for ASD and similar disabilities that it's really difficult to pin it down to a definite. It's a long tough slog getting through the appointments and referrals and such.

The meltdowns and runners can be so wearing as well; we deal with that with DS2 and can't leave him with anyone else (other than during school day when he has 1:1 TA the entire day) as he is difficult to cope with and keep in check. But don't beat yourself up over it, we all get stressed and have days where it's difficult to cope. It doesn't make you a terrible mother, just human like the rest of us. And the school holidays are always a big strain - no breaks, kids not dealing well with change in schedule. I can't offer much by way of help, but I hope things get a bit easier for you soon.

Sorry to hear you are having a stressful time. Many parents dread holidays - admitting it is very brave imho. DLA is a good idea and there may be additional funding from your council for things like alternative therapies, too. (I am a Special music Therapist currently working with a little boy with ASD and the sessions are funded by the council.) Hope the hols work out much better than you have expected though! (www.specialmusic.co.uk)

I totally understand how you feel about the hols. I used to dread them too. I manage it now by sending ds to a holiday club at a special school. They cope very well with his behaviour and I get a break. I don't know if there's anything where you live but it might be worth some calls to your council to find out for the summer which is the biggest nightmare.