what do i do ?

[cheeryface]

ds2 has yet to be diagnosed. we are waiting for camhs . when things dont go his way he keeps completely flipping his lid.

i dont know if this is what i have heard others call a meltdown but he goes into a massive crazy rage. he kicks things and picks things up as though to throw them , shouts, screams , cries sometimes right into my face. sys he wishes he were dead etc

he shouts and screams at me and when i tell him we will talk when hes calm he grabs me and this week punched the back of my legs as i went upstairs ( had made him sit on the stairs to calm down)

sometimes this can go on fo a couple of hours. he screams the most awful things at me like hes just not my child, so upsetting.

he is 12 and the same size as me now.

does this sound like meltdowns ? how do i handle it ?

Have you tried talking to him when it's nit happening?
Find out if he knows his warning signs of when he is going to lose it. Then discuss what he and you need to do to stop it before it gets too far. Get him to make suggestions before you do, kids normally know what they need.

Then you need to discuss suitable consequences to his actions.
Sounds like ge gets past point of no return and can't manage to contain it.
Hth

I agree with Lisa - talk to him when he isnt upset and see if he can tell when he is starting to get worked up, that way you may be able to do something before it gets passed the point where you can help him. Maybe also ask what he thinks might calm him down.

Is it possible for you to have a safe space for him to go when he feels like this?

have you tried contacting the local police and asking if there is a youth offending officer in your area that can work with ds? they are to prevent youngsters from offending and do anger managment 1;1. they can really help. sorry been there got the t-shirt.... i know what your going through. i was scared and worried incase my ds did this to others and hurt someone plus i was on edge all the time waiting for the next explosion or phonecall saying he had been arrested. hope you can get help for him

If he has ASD he may not be able to recognise his emotions and therefore understand how to deal with them.

I have been working with CAMHS on helping DD2 to deal with her anger, although as she is a small 8 year old it is much easier I'm sure.

When she starts to get tense, anxious, cross or whatever I recognise I tell her "I can see that you're feeling xxx because of xxxxx. You need to go and walk round the garden (or whatever would calm her down) and then we will have a chat and try to sort it out."

This teaches her to recognise when it's building up and understand why she feels like she does. The more labels we can give them for their emotions the more tools we give them for dealing with them. You should also say what your emotions are so that they can see that you are affected to and do care. If they aren't reading your emotions well they may think you don't care about their feelings.

Once it reaches a peak there is no point in trying to talk to him because he can't think about what you're saying. Wait until afterwards and talk about what happened, why it happened and what could have been a better way to deal with it.

If my girls make a mess when having a meltdown the always have to clear it up later on. This way they learn that there are consequences to their actions. They are growing up in a world which will expect them to make amends so the sooner they get used to that idea the better. However I don't punish them because they didn't choose to lose their temper.

thanx for the advise. He doesnt like to talk about things which is a problem but also when i tell him what to do to calm down or send him to his room to calm down he just doesnt. either he goes to his room and nearly knocks the door through or i have another battle trying to make him go to his room in the first place.
i have suggested he sit down and put the tele on which i think helps him but he just wont.

he needs to decide what he feels is best way for him to clam down.

He doesn't need to talk back to you about his emotions - it will help him just to hear you saying it to help him label the emotions.

You need to explain to him how important it is for him to find a different way to express his anger before he gets any older. The world won't accept him being violent or aggressive much longer.

Perhaps you could sit down together at a quiet calm time and work out a plan for when he gets wound up. You take the role of facilitator so you're guiding him thorough rather than making the decisions.

I find sitting shoulder to shoulder with busy hands is a good time to talk. It's less threatening than sitting down face to face and long pauses for thinking are less awkward.

thanks will try it

Talking while in car driving is great time too :)