"Mummy, why doesn't anyone like me?" How do I tackle this one?

[Floopytheloopy]

Hi all

Another rather upsetting post i'm afraid. Was hoping this week to post something positive. It's only monday though, so there's always time I guess.

I've had concerns for the last few months that dd(4 possibly ASD)is not mixing with the other children atall. I know she struggles socially(overexcited etc) so when she started her foundation class I wasn't expecting her to become the most popular girl in her school over night or anything. Realistically I knew it was going to take some time to develop friendships, but she doesn't seem to be developing any.

Because dd's needs aren't severe I fear she may just fall through the net, socially and educationally. Of course I have brought this up, but I was assured that this wouldn't happen.

School have started to say that she seems happy to play on her own. This is complete nonsense! Dd is a self soother and will often go off and lick her wounds in private so to speak. If she kept getting rejected by everyone apparently, then she'd just go off with a smile on her face to the next one and probably get rejected again. It's always hurt to hear this, but today was completely different.

I asked her what kind of day she'd had, what she'd been upto etc(as usual) and I got the usual response. "I haven't played with anyone and I haven't done anything". Now the latter part of that definitely isn't true as i've seen the work she does, but the first part is. I thought I should try to draw out a little more information as i was getting concerned that some bullying and exclusion were happening(as posted last week). All of a sudden she just flew her arms round my neck and then looked straight into my eyes and said "mummy, why doesn't anyone like me? I want the girls to be my friends, but nobody likes me and it makes me very sad. I want some friends mummy". I normally can hide my emotions if I need to so after giving her a hug I had to leave the room and compose myself, before returning to tell her that they will want to play with her another time, which I know probably isn't the case. This is honestly the first time i've seen her cry about being rejected. Normally I get quite concerned at the lack of emotion she has when somebody has told her to go away or something similar.

Do I explain that her behaviour is sometimes different to the other children, even though to her it's completely normal?

Somebody please help. How do I explain this one? It's so important to get it right.

Sorry for the length once again.

Her teachers and the lunch time assistants should be encouraging others to play with her - I would go into the school and made sure they are aware of how socially vulnerable she is and that she needs to be encouraged. TBH at 4 they should be making sure everyone has someone to play with, or organising some group games in the playground (or maybe that was just me when doing playground duty

Well we had an IEP meeting last week and that was on "their to do list" apparently. To engourage more friendships, or any for that matter!

Now, another really tricky and sensitive part of all this is that she does play with one boy who's rather severely mentally disabled. Whereas of course i'm happy that she plays with him i've noticed that her speech is regressing since they've become friendly.

As i've mentioned before i'm not expecting them to force friendships, it would be impossible, they could at least encourage them.

I think because she plays with this boy sometimes, school think that everything's ok, but it's not. She's not getting the social skills that she needs. Having said all that i'm still very proud that she enjoys playing with him so much. I think dd understands that they're both different, but at this age she obviously doesn't know why.

They are 4. They need to be told it's not ok to exclude people from games! your dd and this other lad should be included in the group, by staff if necessary. Games like Duck Duck Goose, that sort of thing. Or was I jsut a really weird playground supervisor? I neve got any training for it, just told to stand in the playground while the teachers drank coffee and ate biscuits...

Can you do some kind of role play with her? You be the potential friend and she is herself. See how she approaches the other girl who is playing.

Maybe you can teach her some opening sentances to work with? One of the most important things that I taught my son is that everyone likes to be asked about themselves or admired e.g. you have pretty shoes/I like your hair). Hope that might help.

To be fair to dd her opening sentances are actually pretty good. She does tend to be rather blunt and get straight to the question "can I play with you", or "would you like to play with me?" You can't argue with that as an atempted in so to speak can you. Also, she's very good with the compliments such as "you've got beautiful hair" etc. The problem is as soon as a child has decided to give her a go and accepted her invitation she'll then move on to "you're my best friend aren't you. Do you like me?" If the child was particuarly nice and said yes, she would probably then shout "Yeah!!!, We're best friends!!"Followed by an overwhelming bear hug. By that point the other child has regretted ever agreeing to play with dd as you can imagine. I've whitnessed this so many times and it never gets any easier to watch.

I quite like the idea of the role play though. That actually could be very useful. I'll give it a go.

I just can't stand to think that she's already been put in a catagory. She's only 4 and to think that she could be at the begining stages of bullying is just an horrific thought.

Role play is a great idea. Also, have a look at Social Stories. You'll probably be able to google one you like, but if not there's loads of tips for writing your own.

Social stories tendto be about 6 sentences long, btw, so you don't need to be any great shakes at writing

I get the same from dd1(AS), she's 7 and she knows that she has Aspergers but still doesn't understand why no one wants to play with her, we do some roll play at home but its hard when dd1 always thinks she's the one in the right and the others are wrong, she has to play the games she wants to play and her rules, she gets upset easily (cries a lot) and moans if things don't go her way, we try and work on one thing at a time, at the moment i'm trying to get her to join in with other peoples games when its a game she doesn't really feel like playing. Its hard work but we have managed to get her to join in with a couple peoples games and she has enjoyed it.

TBH most 4 year olds play alone or move around from friend to friend not really socialising, my other dd is in reception and has High functioning Autism and doesn't play with anyone but she doesn't care, she's happy to run around on her own and the other children (older ones) mother her.

Marne Your 4 year old sounds exactly the same as mine. She usually runs around apparently not bothered that she's playing on her own and occasionally i'll hear that one of the older girls played with her, which of course makes her her best friend.

It's only now that she's starting to understand that she should be making friends and getting upset that she isn't. Yesterday really was the first time.

Bless her, hope you manage to sort something out, could you invite a child over to play (both my dd's are better when its just 1 child rather than 3 or 4)?

Dd2 is not very verbal so doesn't know how to ask 'can i play?' so tends to play on her own or just join in with someone elses game (even if they don't want her too), she has a TA (1:1) at break times so they can help find her someone to play with and make sure no one bullies her.

It's positive that your dd is being monitored to make sure that there's no bullying. I think thats got to be the number one concern for any parent regarding school hasn't it. However when you have a child who can't necessarily verbalise what's happening to them, it makes it all the more difficult and actually very scary.

My dd definitely has a speech delay, but when she's having a good day she can always get her point across and fits in rahter well. When she's having a bad day however, there's no getting through to her and she finds it very difficult to explain how she feels. I'm just worried that there's a lot going on that I and the school aren't aware of.

I feel for you. DS is in year R and is going through the assessment process for ASD. We were making up stories about a make believe school and he asked me to tell a story about how to make friends as he doesn't have any. He's also previously gone to the teacher and told her he had zero friends.

Fortunately at DS's school they've made sure he has someone to play with, although often when they ask him, he is quite happy to go and play by himself. He spends most of his time playing alone from what I understand.

Crap isn't it :(

Yep, you can say that again!

When we had the IEP meeting they kept stressing that she was happy playing by herself, but as I think i've mentioned before, she's something of a self soother, so she'd just move on when rejected. I suppose after a certain period of time and countless knock backs, the child has no choice but just to get on with it and play by themselves. So I kind of resent them saying that she's happy playing on her own. She doesn't have a choice.

We have the same thing here with DS who is 5 and in Y1. He has now given up asking people to play as they always say no. I resorted to reminding the school that if he was in a wheelchair and people wouldn't play with him because of it that they would not allow it. I queried why they were allowing the situation just because he has an invisible disability. The next day for the first time since September the teacher organised Hide and Seek with DS and some of his classmates.

I will see how we get on after Easter but I have the Chair of Governors on my side as she runs the afterschool and holiday clubs and would not accept such behaviour ever.

It can be hard to tell which children desperately want friends and which ones genuinely like playing alone. The DC I support (ASD) played alone quite often, but has recently made a friend in the parallel class. Everyone was delighted, especially his parents, but after a few weeks DC went back to playing alone most of the time, by his own choice. He found playing with his friend too full on and wanted his own space. The friend was a bit hurt but they do still play together occasionally.

It's finding the right friend that is difficult. Someone on your wavelength, but obviously more empathic (or thick skinned) or they get too easily put off by the social faux pas. But also sensitive enough to know when to back off. And compliant enough to play games to your DDs taste.

Does your DD have any special interests that may help make some connection? Club penguin, horses or something? My experience with small girls is sadly limited! Try the children out on 1:1 playdates (to include special interest maybe) to find someone suitable to encourage.

Floopytheloopy - it's horrible isn't it?

My DD is now 9 and lack of friends really got her down. I used to invite children to play 1:1 - they would come but DD rarely got a reciprical invite. Her old school did nothing to help with the friendship issue. (I did have some close friends with children that did.)

Her new school is a different story and she is so much happier. She has buddies (different ones on different days) and the teacher organises "play with somebody different days". On first joining her new school achild befriended her but DD overwhelmed them as she was so delighted that someone was her friend. Now that different children play with her she is not so overbearing on those that do.

The school also do self esteem and social circle time with her which has helped enormously.

Are you good friends with any of the mothers of children in your DDs class who may reciprocate your invites? I would also suggest speaking to the SENCO to see if they can put in place any measures that may help.

DS2 is 4 and in reception. I don't think he understands the actual concept of friends. He greets the children in class, he hugs some of them (and some hug him), but even though I've heard him say "come and play with me"... once the child is with him, he doesn't really know what to do. He just plays on his own. So it's not quite there yet for him. I dread this conversation in the future though...

newlife- I'm not really friends with any of the other mothers unfortuantely. To cut a long story short the school that dd goes to is rather upper middle class(not a class warrior) and they are all about the same age, with the morgages and have all had their children at the same time etc. Whereas I am from the same sort of back ground i'm the youngest mum there I think they assume that I wont have anything in common with them because of my age. I'll always smile and say hello, but it would feel very unnatural if all of a sudden I started talking to them. I think it would come across as false and I don't do false very well. I think they would feel uncomfortable to let me into there group as it were.

I think it would really help if I befriended another mum at the school who understands and is going through the same thing. It's easier said than done I suppose, but i'm still open to suggestions. I don't want to just accept that this is as it will always be.