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SN children

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Original poster

Party disaster

7 replies

chocoholic · 10/04/2011 16:40

Oh god, why do we go to them. Just had a disasterous party. Have come home in tears.

DS (dx ASD) wants a prize, he wants to join in and dance but he can't, it's too loud (even with ear defenders), the song has already started, he doesn't know the actions, but at the same time he does want to join in, he wants a prize.

We were in the room, out of the room, I hit the point of me starting to well up and picked him up and ran.

It just feels so terribly hard and isolating sometimes - for him and me.

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purplerabbitofinle · 10/04/2011 16:50

It's hard while you're going through it, but it is worth it long-term. He will only be able to do these things with practice, which is what today was. Keep practising and eventually he'll get it right

EllenJane1 · 10/04/2011 20:22

It is hard. I'm sorry you had a crap time. I have learnt to lower my expectations, if he enjoys half an hour, it's a success. Don't give up and not go at all, you won't progress that way, but allow for small successes. It's like not comparing development to NT DC, just comparing with where they were themselves 6 months ago. Much more positive.

Today we went for a walk in the local forest which has a sculpture trail. DS1 and DS3 both wanted to do the whole 4 miles, but I knew DS2 would have lost enthusiasm way before then. We did 2/3 of it, DS1 had a bit of a teenager strop at not doing the whole thing, but TBH 2/3 was a success as far as I was concerned. If we do it again I'll warn DS1 in advance.

I've learnt not to expect too much and be happy so long as we achieve something.

Next party 1/2 hour, time after 3/4 hour maybe. (And always take a bag of Haribo just in case!)

Triggles · 10/04/2011 20:49

EllenJane that sounds like a nice activity! Glad you had a good day!

I have to agree that you have to change your expectations. We are working on taking DS2 to the cinema. The first time we took him, he lasted 20 minutes into the movie. It was not a cartoon (which would have probably held his attention better), so next time, we will try that. He wears his ear defenders throughout and has familiar things (snacks, drink cup) with him so it doesn't seem so completely foreign. But we're not looking at lasting the whole movie - I want to get to 30 minutes next time. Yes, it doesn't get us to the end of the film, but that's okay - I just want to see some progress. Eventually he'll get there (hopefully), so we'll keep trying. Thankfully, our cinema has £1 movies on Saturday mornings, generally geared towards children.

Perhaps decide to have a smaller goal - if he goes past it and gets even further, then great - but that way you're not setting yourself up for lots of stress.

Eveiebaby · 10/04/2011 21:42

Choco - I'm sorry you had a bad time but it's great you went. I recently refused an invite for DD to a party because I did not want to go. I'm not sure why really I guess probably because DD would not have joined in. That's pretty crap on my part - at least you had the guts to go which says a lot so don't be too hard on yourself.

Triggles · 10/04/2011 23:04

I did the same thing Eveiebaby - declined a party invitation as I wasn't sure how DS2 would cope (for a number of reasons). Next time I hope to be braver and make the effort.

Original poster

chocoholic · 11/04/2011 14:12

Thank you for replying.

I feel better about it today and I did the right thing in leaving the party I think. He did enjoy part of it so not all bad, just seemed it at the time I think.

Someone pointed out to me recently that we have to go through some new things that he finds hard so at least he can try to learn or experience something new.

Ellenjane you are so right about trying to think about him partially enjoying it as a sucess (and remembering the haribo ).

Triggles, check if your cinema does NAS screenings. We have discovered them at ours and they are brilliant.

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wendihouse22 · 11/04/2011 16:25

This really is a difficult one. Parties are a nightmare for my son. At least they were.

It took weeks (from the invite being issued) to prepare him for it. The day was usually fraught and obviously (goes without saying) I was usually the only mum there besides parents and relatives of birthday child. Sometimes, he would "join in" by sitting on my knee at the table to eat party food. Mostly, he was the fish out of water..... either UNDER the table displaying said party food or, under a chair until he got too big.

Occasionally, he would be behind the door of the toilet refusing to come out. Or just crying. That was probably up to age 7 or so. After that, invites rarely came.

This year (he is now 10) it occurred to me at the weekend that, out of a class of 29 children, he had not had an invite to a single birthday bash. I feel sad and relieved and sorry for him and happy for him and bloody nora, it's shite sometimes, isn't it??? He's not bothered. At all.

You're not the only one, love. It just feels that way. x

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