Struggling to know how best to treat my DD

[musicposy]

Hi there, I really hope people don't mind me posting in special needs as my DD hasn't got a dx, but she is definitely a bit "outside the norm", so I thought I would get more help here.

A bit of back history. When she was very little we noticed DD had quite a lot of obsessions - her hands had to be scrupulously clean at all times, things had to be done in a certain order, etc, and she liked very tight structure in her life. She manages this better now, but we still see elements of it. When we tried to put her into preschool she would scream the place down and just keep screaming for the whole 3 hours, every day. In the end my mum got so fed up with being called to remove her because they couldn't cope (I was working), that she had her instead. DD said it was too noisy and she didn't like the children. (She has an older sister and had met plenty of other children previously)

Once in school, the school raised concerns that she refused to have anything to do with the other children. She played by herself at playtime, and anything they tried to get her to do as a pair or in a team she point blank refused to participate.

She muddled along there until the age of 8. Every teacher we had complained that she wouldn't mix - she refused playdates and if she got invited to parties she would tear up the invites so she didn't have to go. Once there were younger children in the school, she got on a little better socially with them. Then the school made the disastrous decision in Y4 to place her in the Y5/6 class because academically she is a long way ahead and they couldn't cope with her in the Y4/3 class. She was so desperately, desperately unhappy we took her out of school to home educate.

By and large, the home education has been an astounding success. She's now 11, Year 7. She has real, proper friends now, goes on sleepovers etc, seems chatty and pretty sociable. Her friends are all a couple of years younger, but it's not a problem out of school.

Recently, though, we've suddenly hit a couple of problems and I'm not sure what to do. One is that she still acts so young for her age it is attracting comment from other adults, particularly some of my friends with similarly aged children who seem light years older. As she doesn't have any dx is it quite hard to know what to say to them or how to defend her. Her current obsession is Pokemon and she has a Pokemon soft toy that goes everywhere with her (it's literally tucked under her arm every second of the day). People say "aren't you a bit old to cuddle a soft toy the whole time?" and upsetting her. I'm getting told this isn't appropriate for her age and I should be stopping it. I don't know the way to go - I feel if she is deriving some security/ benefit from it, then let her have it, but the comments are causing her to withdraw from meeting people and there seems such pressure on her to behave like a normal secondary aged child, which emotionally she isn't.

Then yesterday I bought some small Easter eggs for an Easter party we are going to on Easter Saturday. She likes all the children there and an egg hunt is being arranged so I thought she would be excited and showed her the eggs. Instead we had about an hour of uncontrolled sobbing. (She hates Easter egg hunts, they're never fair, the bigger children will get more, she's fed up with having to be nice to all the other children, the little children will get given more because they're small, last year she wanted the green egg and someone else got it, please let her stay at home, can't I just get her an egg to have, she hates parties, etc etc).

I honestly thought we were doing better but somehow we seem a bit back to square one. She's been rehearsing for a ballet recently, sometimes for 6 hours at a time, so she's been in the company of other children a lot (something she's been coping really well with and has made good friends at) but I wonder if she's just all "socialised out".

Has anyone any ideas on how best to deal with it all? Sorry for the long post.

Just a thought, but children with Asperger's syndrome are often functioning at 2/3 of their chronological age emotionally. Which would make her about 8 in her social development and skills, not at all related to her academic ability.
My DS compartmentalises well, so he can Pass For Normal when out in the world most of the time and reverts to being around 12 at home. He has some interests that are typical 16 YO and some that he keeps for home, like playmobil and certain DVDs.
So my advice would be to let her breathe and relax at home, learn to recognise stressers and circumnavigate them, and see if she can PFN in the world if she's allowed to be herself in private.
Have you thought about looking at professional support or advice?

musicposy

From waht you have described, your DD may have something like an Auditory Processing Disorder (APD) as one of her issues.
APD is a listening disability, not being able to process all that you hear. Which make following speech based communication difficult and sometimes impossible, especially with low levels of background noise (pink sound, or cafeteria levels of background noise). Some who have APD can also have Hypercusis which is a sensitivity to noise.

If you have a sensory communication disability like APD then your coping strategies can be based on daily routines as that is how you begin to cope by anticipating what will happen so that you can cope with your information processing problems.

For some who have APD they prefer one to one communication anf groups of 3 or 4 people are the maximum they can cope with. It depends on the coping strategies they need to use. I have APD and one of my coping strategies is reading body language and lipreading, and there is a limit to the number of people you can communicate with at that level at one time. Those who have APD usually are able to either talk to others or listen to others but we tend not to be able to multi-task and be able to both talk and listen at the same time. which is not the same for our peers, who expect us to both talk and listen as part of regular communication.

Those who have APD which is of genetic origin, will be aware of the deficit from birth, and social interaction only magnified our recognition that we are different to others, and that we are not able to interact like others.

there is more information on the APDUK web site
i could be wrong

Girls on the autistic spectrum, if really high functioning, can be really hard to DX because they are very nearly NT. Being girls they are naturally more empathic and social than boys so any deficits are harder to spot. She may not be on the autistic spectrum at all, but it might be worth reading up on. Tony Attwood's books are always being recommended on here. Your DD might not benefit from a DX but some of the strategies could prove useful.

Seconded

My Dd3 is being assessed for aspergers, she has been just about coping in a very unhelpful school but we are moving her after the hols to an inclusive school where we hope she will cope better.

One thing I have noticed with my girls [Dd1 is similar], is that the social gap widens as they get older, girls social skills are very advanced by 11 and your Dd just can't deal with their level of skills, I Wouldn't worry too much about her being with younger children.

About the egg hunt, is there anyway you could do one at home before or after the party and then she could sit out the party one.

She obviously knows she isn't going to cope and she has done really well to let you know that she can't cope.

I would give her the option to bail out or not join in at all.

As for what other people think, grow a thick skin and let them think,what they like, she is your Dd and you have to live with her, if you have ways of coping then use them and don't worry about what others think.

I know thats easy to say .

Good luck with the party.

I'm so glad I posted on here, thank you so much for your helpful replies. I've often thought she showed behaviours that could be somewhere on the spectrum, but school never really flagged anything except that she was in her own little world most of the time and didn't interact with the others. dolfrog, I will have a read of that website, thanks.

Goblinchild, what you say about your DS rings very true for DD. The 2/3 chronological age emotionally sounds spot on. Maybe I can help her compartmentalise so she can PFN more in other situations. EllenJane, I will read the books you recommended as even without a dx, as you say, there may be helpful advice.

Ineedalife, I've given her an opt out for the party. Our puppy hates being left so I'll leave her to puppy sit for an hour or so - my parents are next door to keep an eye on her so she is quite happy. I said I will pick her up for the food after the egg hunt is over, and make sure DD1 saves her some eggs "because she has to puppy sit". She was so grateful for this and it was good for me to recognise it as her letting me know she couldn't cope. I will try to grow a thick skin over the comments (I find it hard too when people keep pointing out that she's not behaving as they see other Y7 children behave) and try to help her deal with them.

Thank you all, I'm off to do some reading!

You have just described my dd1 (although she's younger), she has a dx of Aspergers, today we did something similar to a easter egg hunt (but looking for hiden toys) with her sister (ASD), of course her little sister was much better at finding than dd1 which caused a few problems (sobbing and shouting), we are going to an easter egg hunt next weekend so not looking forward to it . Dd1 acts a lot younger too (although she's 2 years ahead at school), she still likes bob the builder and cbeebies.

My DS2 has ASD and we have learnt to label all the eggs with the 3 boys names to ensure they each get their fair share! They can only 'find' their own eggs.

my DS is 7, and though his only DX is language delay, not ASD, I can relate to a lot of the seeming young for his age stuff. I completely agree with goblin about home being a safe haven, but to encourage more age-typical choices with the outside world. whether it's ASD, and/or APD or nothing diagnosable, reading around either condition and the strategies people used will do no harm to a NT (neurotypical) child. I think though that adults making the adverse unasked for comments need to be "stopping it", especially in front of DD - after all it's a Pokemon toy, not shooting up in an alley. obv if it's family members then it can be awkward getting them to button it... when DS was younger and I didn't wish to discuss his issues with all and sundry I tended to fall back on the "he's shy" excuse with strangers.

I have an eccentric and highly intelligent family and a thick skin.
So I found robust self-confidence in my parenting was the best defence when faced with 'Ooh, he ain't normal is ee?' stupidity from others.