Friends have 2 DS's with Aspergers. How can I best support them?

[babylanguagelearner]

Hello. I hope it is ok for me to come here to ask for some advice, albeit not for myself as such. We have some friends with 2 DS's - a year ago they found out their eldest has Aspergers, when he started school. A few months ago their youngest who is not yet in school was also diagnosed. I am trying to read up and learn about it. I am reading some of your threads here. My friend "seems" to be doing ok on the surface, but I know from a chat between our respective DH's that she is often in tears when he gets home each evening.

My DH and I figure that the best way we can support them is just to continue to enjoy an active social life between their family and ours (we also have young DC's). From what they have said, what their boys need the most is opportunity for normal social interaction. It is easy to support them this way, we genuinely love to be in their company and they don't live far from us.

I guess my question is - is there something more I could do? I don't want to force myself into their situation or always be the friend who is saying "So how are you doing with it all?" because maybe I should just let her open up about it as and when she wants to. But then I worry if I never actually ask that, then it might seem insensitive. The fact her DH has opened up to my DH about her finding it so difficult makes me wonder if that is an opening that I should somehow take?

Sorry for rambling a bit. I guess I'm just interested to know, when you were in the early days of adjusting to a diagnosis of your child, what were the helpful and not so helpful things that your friends did or did not do, or say.
Thanks in advance.

I think you're being a great friend already. Just continuing as normal and still socialising with them and their DC is exactly right. It's hard to know the right thing to say to your friend as when you are grieving anything you say may be wrong! Don't put any concerns down, never say, "all children / my children do that" etc. Don't be too sad, it's not the end if the world. Don't be too upbeat, it's genuinely devastating! As you can see it's a minefield!

Just be there, invite them for a playdate, with coffee/tea and chat. She's lucky she has such an understanding and thoughtful friend. She may take a bit of time to realise that, don't be hurt if she just wants to hide away.

Thanks for responding EllenJane1. I don't know what it is like to be in my friend's position, but I am sure that your post sums it up very succinctly and accurately. I think early when they found out about their DS1 on I may have already said the "oh my DS does that" line ....Well, I can't take that back but I am truly grateful for the advice not to do it again. It makes sense now I think about it.

As EllenJane says, you're already doing the right things. I'm on the autism spectrum and a mum with a son who has various disabilities. Seeing me, and him, as people who have much to bring the world and who can be good friends and good fun sometimes is vital. Autism brings strengths and abilities, not just problems, but when we're younger it feels like so much hard work and bewildering stuff.

Just listening, walking alongside someone - those are vital too.

Understanding when we look lilke we've been dragged through a hedge backwards and haven't slept for a fortnight. Not needing us to be the life and soul of the party.

Not giving up on us if we can't make social events. Making it possible for us to be at social events by helping plan it carefully so the children don't panic. (Loads and loads of advance info about what will happen, what they are expected to do and not do - photos of rooms, timings of when exactly to arrive and leave...the more detail we get, the calmer we are). Stuff like this really helps.

And not thinking we're cr*p parents if our child does something truly strange (to other people).

One of the nicest things that my friends used to do for me when DS (AS)was small and before he had managed to find a friend, was that she had DS around for playdates with her DS, who was in the same school year. She never forced them to play together, for a long time they used to play in different rooms, but she was quite happy with that.
At that point DS was a very fussy eater - didn't realise how fussy at that stage as he had never eaten anywhere else, but she made sure for e.g. she had the only brand of pasta in that he would eat so that he could stay for tea sometimes.
Also, I know a lot of people will probably disagree, but I actually have no problem when other people say to me "Oh my DS does that too". I take it as them trying to empathise and ok maybe their DS doesn't do it as extremely as my son, or as often, but their DS probably does do it too.

LittleMissGreen, yup. There is nothing we do that other people don't do. It's just we do it more. Far far more. Obsessively more

That's what I meant, Amberlight and Little Miss Green. People would be trying to empathise, but it just came out as they couldn't see my DS's difficulties. I know other children have tantrums, obsessions, are late talkers, are hyperactive, flap when they are excited, are fussy eaters, are anxious etc etc. It's just that my DS was all of these things, all of the time (or so it seemed), so saying, "My DS does that," just seemed to be missing the point, telling me I was worrying unnecessarily, and that my worries were unfounded.

just being there and if she wants to let it all out listening so maybe a girly night in with a bottle of wine will let her open up then if you read up on it too and understand it better you can give her some relief from time to time babysitting so she can get away for a few hours, your doing great that your concerned enough to even ask as a lot of family and friends say they understand but simply dont or deny they believe anythings wrong at all, right now she will be in emotional termoil probably trying to get to grips with everything and understand it herself so just knowing you care is fantastic , perhaps she hasnt talked about how shes coping to you as i know i felt from time to time im a bad mum and ive failed as i should have worked out and resolved it (totally impossible) and the fact ive two other dcs NT it was my fault DS has these problems but its not anyones fault and thats very hard to come to terms with at times

Thank you so much, ladies. If I was in her position the first thing I would do is join MN for support on the message boards! I have mentioned this forum to her some time ago, in case she wants to follow it up at some stage. Don't want to be pushy about it though.

Thanks again, I really appreciate your taking the time to give me your perspective and advice.