Oh dear. I suspect DD is now being bullied. Really wasn't expecting this.

[Floopytheloopy]

Me again.

I found out last night that dd may be being bullied and excluded from a lot of activities at school. Although I know she struggles socially and doesn't really have any friends as she's very much 'in your face'(mentioned before)I really didn't think I had to worry about bullying and especially at this school.

Of course I know that kids can be cruel and i'm sure I was one of them at one point, but I really believed that this generation were much more tollerent of disabilities or people who are just different. She's always had funny looks before she started school and i've heard children ask things like "are you french" because she tended to babble a lot. Although that hurt I knew that there was no bad intent there as you're talking about pre schoolers who just say what they see. I think that once they hit school they should know that name calling etc is wrong.

Apparently she had been pushed away and a few of her occasional friends had asked her if she was stupid and that she was acting like a 1 year old. She does have a speech delay. I would expect the odd comment, but I fear it's turned into a pack situation and that they are trying to get rid of the "weakest" as it were.

I also think that some of the children, especially the boys are winding her up to get a reaction from her and to get her into trouble. This is actually something that her 1 to 1 agreed with me with. It's all very well agreeing but this needs to stop doesn't it! I can't just accept that kids can be cruel. My dd is going to struggle enough without this kind of exclusion.

I did mention it this morning and I got the usual "we'll keep an eye on her" thing, but kids can be very cunning when they want to be and teachers aren't always watching. Which is when the pushing and name calling is probably happening. They also said that dd should come and tell the teacher, but she doesn't always understand that and i'm sure if someone told her not to ie the culprit, then i'm sure she'd keep it to herself.

I'm sure lots of you have been in a similar situation so just wondered how you handled it.

Oh also thought I hsould mention, as i'm sure you're going to ask, no i'm not really friendly with the mums at the school. I myself have been very much excluded. I don't think they want their dc's associated with my dd. I'm also quite a young mum so I don't really fit in(at this particualr school anyway) I'm always friendly, but once the pleasantries are out the way, that's the end of that.

Sorry for the length(wasn't expecting it to be quite so long) and thanks for reading.

Every time it happens you go to them and make sure they act on it - if you go in with a specific incident, they should be telling you how they resolved it.

Yep it is easier to deal with if a child tells immediately, but if she's not doing that it doesn't give them justification to ignore it.

They should know that name calling is wrong, but they're also very quick to spot something they can pick on - if that's not dealt with it gives off the message that it's acceptable.

A circle of friends would help massively, it would give your DD support and help the other children understand that there's a reason why she is doing things and not just choosing to be odd (small children tend not to realize that not everything is done on purpose I find, lol) and means that they'll exert peer pressure on the children who will still try to pick on her.

www.inclusive-solutions.com/whatisacircle.asp

She tended to play with the older children at break times, but I think that's not happening as much these days. Maybe the novelty of having her in their group has worn off.:(

I know it sounds like an excuse when I say we fall into a difficult catagory, but we really do. We have quite an unusual living situation and non of my friends have children. When I first started taking her to toddler group everything was fine and Dd and I were being included. However, as soon as her behaviour changed people literally stopped talking to me. After a real bad session inparticular it was as if people didn't know who I or dd were. Of course all this was was a case of "we don't want our little group to be disrupted thank you very much". It's a rather crappy feeling to say the least, when you're already struggeling to cope with your dd's behaviour and everybody has decided to out you. With the occasional tut of course.

I'm really not sure what I can do to help her. I take her most places with me now, whereas maybe before I would have avoided. Just to sometimes avoid a scene, or just because I needed to do something rather speedily. That doesn't happen when dd's with me, but I always make the effort now. Again, that normally ends in lots of stares and even the off little horror making fun of her. She doesn't really get that they are and will usually just dramatise and increase whatever it is that they are mimicing. Heartbreaking to say the very least.

Thaks for the link by the way.

We are in a similar situation at the moment with dd1 (Aspergers), she says no one wants to play with her, people tell her to go away and she has no friends , i keep going in and talking to the SENCO who just say's 'i'll have a word' .

Sory i can't offer any advice (just hand holding).

It's awful isn't it. Just to think that she being told to go away and that nobody likes her on a daily basis is too much to bare sometimes. I just pray that it isn't on a daily basis. I hope it's not a regular thing with your dd.

The thing is I go in all prepared and think to myself "if they say i'll have a word etc, don't leave it at that.............be strong". But when it actually happens I can't find the words. At the time I feel like what else can they do? But as soon as i'm home i'm filled with things I should have said. I think some of that comes down to me suffering quite severely from anxiety and it makes me furious that I let it affect me, let alone dd. Maybe that's it. Maybe i'm just a useless mother!

I am ready for a call with the family support worker at 2.30pm to discuss exactly this. DS (5 yo) now just runs around on his own as he knows that there is no point asking anyone to play with him as they will just say know. My DH is raging and is on the verge of taking him out of the school.

Could you send an email with what you have written on here prior to going in? Then you can take a copy of the email in with you as then you won't forget what you wanted to talk about.

BTW you are not a useless mother, you know that.

ach no, for ages after the DC started school I kind of reverted to a child - I wanted to say yes miss, and was vaguely disturbed by having to wait outside the head teacher's office you've had years of training in not answering back at teachers, it takes a bit of effort to shake that off, lol.

Write down what you want to say that makes it more likely you actually will, if that doesn't help are you better on the phone? Or in writing? If so, do that.

Take a more assertive friend or relation with you.

And if you think of something you wish you had said, say it, send in a note saying...Following from our conversation, I was thinking and actually...

If it's happening more than just very occasionally - having a word isn't going to work, ask what they're bullying policy is, I bet having a word isn't in there

DS was really baddly bullied at his first school. It didn't matter how much I went in they did not/could not do anything about it. Part of the problem was he thought that because people were playing with him that they were automatically being nice to him, so no need to say anything. eg. he was dragged by the feet around the school yard. I found out when he had his bath his back and legs were covered in cuts - they had pulled him until his trousers and pants had fallen off. Sometimes it was calling him 'baby' because his lunch bag was babyish (Thomas)- he would come home and try and put nappies on because he was a baby. By year 1 he spent all the playtimes hidden under a temporary classroom. Despite me saying this was the case apparently they couldn't do anything unless the words came out of his mouth that he was being bullied - even his friend hiding with him was saying it was the case but that wasn't enough .
However, his new school (year 2 after period of home-edding as to scared to go to school), the first time something happened - someone put a note in his bag saying they were going to kill him, I went in, something was done and that was it. The other time, a child kept throwing stones at him and I am fairly certain told him he would kill DS if DS said anything (he was a general bully - since left school to go into some form of special unit) DS never said this happened but so many other children told me, that I went to the head (very friendly school and head out every morning to talk to parents) who immediately put a stop to it.
Sorry no actual advice there, lots of sympathy, but IME some schools can cope with bullying and some can't/won't. I do wonder if maybe some schools that pride themselves on being 'bully free' don't actually know what to do in the event that bullying starts occuring, iyswim.

I don't think I do know it. I can't stand how I let the anxiety take over. I've had this since I was 12. I'm 26 now and i've still not got a handle on it.

With regards to your DH raging, I think my dp would completely relate. Most of the time he's quite placid about the whole thing and will usually take all the crap out of my head, unscramble and then put it back in. However when it comes to her not having any friends he finds it very difficult to accept. He can accept everything else, but as soon as I mention that dd's told me that someone told her she was weird or asked her if she was stupid he gets tense and his eyes fill up. Sometimes I wonder if I should just keep it to myself. The only reason I don't is he's the only other person who understands how i'm feeling. I'd feel completelyalone if I couldn't speak to him about it.

It is upsetting , but i have to say with my dd's behaviour (in your face, bosy, wants her own way, has to win) i can see why no one would want to play with her but it still breaks my heart to think that she's being bullied.

Hope you manage to sort something out with the school.

I do agree that some schools really do sort out bullying and some don't.

It is possible to sort it out - but the HT has to make it a priority and part of the school ethos.

The school ethos won't change unless the HT does.....

Hi Floopy,

Some children can be very cruel and intolerant of anyone who appears to be "different" in whatever manner, even in Reception class.

All schools have bullying issues and any school that says that bullying is not a problem is lying. Some schools are far better at dealing with such issues than others. This is going to get further out of control and school must clamp down on this now. You must go in there every single time there is an incident. I've had to and its awful but it needs doing.

HI Floppy,

We had situations like this. School responded by having social stories teaching ds how to say no. Also teaching whole class about kindness etc. Unfotunately did not stop kids from other class. In the end ds retaliated so now we have 1-2-1 at breaks too.

It might help if you emailed the school about each incident and expressed your concern. That way if it is not dealt with, you will have your evidence if you have to take it higher. Also, don't forget to make notes on any meetings. I regret not doing so as now there is no record of what they said they would do etc.

tryingtokeepintune
Exactly right, I have just finished taking notes of the meeting I just had re DS. As I had already documented the parents evening 3 weeks ago when I had asked what strategies were in place for playtime and provided the notes in writing to the teacher, this has gone against the teacher big time.

Floppy
You could almost cut and paste your OP into an email. Have you got a strong person that you can take with you as someone else has said. I take my mum. She doesn't care whether they don't like what she has said so long as we get what we need for DS.

sorry you are going through such a horrible time, and sorry to read many of the heartbreaking experiences our kids have.

School are just not taking into account her communication problems if they expect her to notify them of incidents, it's like asking someone with a broken leg to play hopscotch. Agree with logging incidents and putting things in writing - keeping things written will help if you feel you are too anxious to say what you want when you actually get to speak to the teachers.

what area of the country are you in? It's helpful to meet some parents to similarly aged kids with SN, either via support groups or via internet sites such as this as having SN kids can be very isolating.

I don't post here much any more but used to "live" here in 2008/2009/2010.

I'm really sorry you have to go through this.

I suggest keeping a diary and logging each and every incident/report/action.