I am so very exhausted and was wondering if you could help me?

[wholelotofarse]

I posted this in chat but have been advised to post it here, if I am wrong I sorry.

I am a mum to 2 (dd 6 & ds 5) and a step mum to dss 7. Dss has anger and social problems. He has weekly sessions with a great lady in child services, but he seems to be getting worse and worse and worse. This week alone he has pulled the trousers and knickers off dd, kicked ds in the very sensitive area, smashed up a glass bottle outside our house (there is a huge enclosed field and play area directly outside our front door) and cut his hand, forced himself to vomit all over the dinner, jumped onto dd's stomach, pushed ds into the wall. He has previously punched dd in the face and stomach at school. This week he got a well done sticker at school, this was because he got angry with another boy but managed to calm down and not hitting him, I feel terrible but I do not see why he should be getting a sticker for that, I am coming close to being at my wits end so perhaps that is why I think that?

Each time something happens he gets the same punishment as dd and ds, that is timeout and toys taken away, along with the explanation that his behaviour is unnaceptable and what his behaviour has done. It has got to the point now where he has no toys left, they have all been taken away and he shows no remorse, at all. In fact, within minutes of this happening he acts as if all is normal and well and in a way seems to have forgotten what has happened.

My DP and I try to do exactly the same in parenting and raising our dcs, it took a while to get there but we are there now, as we knew that our different parenting styles were not helping dss at all. Dss mum lives far away and again has a completely different parenting style to myself and dp, when she was told of the pulling off the trousers and knickers incident she found it extremely funny, neither myself or dp found it funny, dd was very very upset by it. She will see him some weekends and usually every holiday for an extended period of time and they talk every evening on the phone.

I am so sorry this has dragged on and I am very thankful to anyone that reads this and/or comments. I am so very drained and do not know what else I can do, all I know is I can't cope with this much longer

sorry don't have any usefull advice, I am sure someone will come along soon. Does he have a diagnosis of anything? Would your GP be any help?
MEanwhile

yes I would echo asking your GP for help. Sounds tough.

Thank you for reading and replying. He is being seen weekly by child services for sessions to help him. Would they be able to arrange this do you think? Or should we go to the gp also?

I'm not sure what department child services are. this is a really good book.

It does sounds draining and it must be very hard to see your children getting hurt in this way. It sounds like he needs professional support and I don't know how much he is getting from this lady at children's services. Does he see CAMHS or a psychologist? If not his GP should be able to arrange that.

In terms of the sticker perhaps you need to adjust how you think about managing his behaviour.

He currently gets angry and then lashes out. That is not acceptable. If you punish him for what he did you are making him feel bad (however much he hides it) but not giving him the tools he needs to change his behaviour. If someone recognises that he is feeling angry but has not lashed out they should reward him and explain why what he did was so good. That will help him to recognise a better way to deal with his feelings and give him an incentive to do it again.

Behaviour management is about helping children to manage their own behaviour not managing it for them.

You should find that praising him for every little thing he does that you like is more effective than punishing him. Try saying things like

Thank you for hanging up your coat.

I like the way you stepped over that toy so you didn't break it.

I'm proud of you for staying in your bed all night.

Don't just choose things that are hard for him - make it easy for him to be praised.

Remember it's not about treating him the same as your own children it's about helping him to feel valued and able to manage his own emotions.

Try to work out what life is like in his shoes and why he might be feeling so angry and aggressive. Does he feel like his dad loves him less than your children? If so he might be testing his theory to see whether he will be pushed away. You need to show him that he can't make that happen so that he feels more secure.

HTH

Al1son just said what I wanted to say but I couldn't find the right words to say it!

Thank you Al1son, as much as I can I use that approach although I think that my frustrations have prevented me from doing it constantly, specifically when it comes to physically hurting dd and ds. I have tried to show the children that they are all equal and loved equally and perhaps that isn't the right approach when it comes to dss. There have been seldom occasions where dss has said things like 'it doesnt matter what I do you will send me away anyway' that has never come from my dp and I, but in effect that is what his mum did I suppose. Dss wasnt happy living with her (they moved to Scotland, we live in the SW), he told her he wasnt happy and so he came to us.

I wish there could be more of me to go around to cover all bases and help my poor little dss more :(

Hi you sound like you got your hands full there! Wondering if you've read the book 123 Magic ? It was recommended to us on a course we went on for kids with ADHD and behaviour problems. You could use the strategy for all your kids when they misbehave. I use it for my dd who has ADHD and it really works it's all to do with showing no emotion, less talking and negotiating with them and less getting into discussion with them. Took me ages to teach hubby how to do effectively but done with the right tone of voice and done properly and it's very effective. You can get the book on amazon it won't change his behaviour but will help you manage it. Oh and you have to sit kids down and explain to them the rules of the new discipline strategy

"It doesn't matter what I do you will send me away anyway"

Poor little thing. This is clearly his biggest fear and he's testing you to see if he's right. He'll always wonder if the next thing he does will be the one which makes it happen.

Knowing the right approach and being able to use it all the time are two very different things. We are all human. Just try to remember that just because he doesn't show he's upset doesn't mean he isn't churned up inside.

I really think he needs proper professional support from a psychologist. He needs someone to help him work out for himself that you're not going to kick him out and he is as much a part of your family as his step-siblings.

Hopefully with time, with or without help, he will realise that he can't make you send him back then he'll feel more secure and stop testing you out all the time.

You'll probably wait a long time for any help you get for him so in the meantime try to make sure those boundaries stay firm, consistent, clear and fair and keep telling him that he won't be able to make you send him away.

I've not seen the 123 magic book but lots of people recommend it on here.

He's lucky to have such a lovely step-mum.

There's already some good advice on here. I just wanted to add that DS2 is frequently praised at school for "making good choices." We do this at home as well, so that it's consistent at both home and school. It definitely makes a difference.

You situation sounds so very similar to mine with the exception of the number of children involved. I have just one ds and he is putting me right through the mill atm. Your subject line is what caught my eye as it is exactly what I feel like. It's incredibly hard to know what to do for the best and to keep yourself sane. You want to make them feel loved and secure but at the same time you just want to throttle them and tell to just bloody well behave!
Are you finding it hard to find help for your family as a whole? I'm finding that one of the most frustrating things about our situation - we are virtually at breaking point and yet still there is no obvious help to keep our family together and healthy (both mentally and physically).
I wonder how broken we would need to be before some one stepped in to help us? I know you must be feeling the exact same way..?
Has he had the same problems at school? Has he been excluded, either fixed term or permenantly?
My frustrations lie with the system and the way it just doesn't seem to work in the way it should ie. to be proactive and help the families and the kids caught in the middle of all this.
You are NOT on your own in the way you feel. x

Thank you so very very much for your replies, I am going to use all of the advice given here and hopefully my darling dss will feel secure enough to be the happy little man I know is hiding inside. It may mean I have to pop back on here for the wonderful mners advice though.

Thank you all x

knew they'd come along.... He's lucky to have a stepmum like you. Hang in there.

No magic answers but wanted to empathise. It's really horrible when they hurt the little ones; I find I get so angry that it really hampers dealing with the problem. And of course your dss, like my ds, is still very young himself. 1-2-3 magic has helped me. You've had good advice about seeing your GP. Maybe they could refer you to a psychologist who could extend 123 magic with some more tailored advice. Or maybe the child services person or the school could refer?