Did you tell the parents of your child's friends about their ADHD diagnosis?

[Carrotsandcelery]

My ds is in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD or something similar. We saw a specialist doctor today and she seemed fairly certain that this would be our diagnosis, alongside some sort of anxiety related problem.
We have recently been treated extremely badly by a few mothers and their children in the small village we live in.
I am now wondering if telling these parents will make them treat my ds even worse or if it would be likely to help?
Does anyone have experience of choosing to keep their diagnosis to themselves or choosing to share it with the community?

Hi my dd1 is 7 and got a dx at Xmas. We slowly told friends parents when it was right time and it came up appropriately in conversation usually when she was up to mischief! The mothers that tut and whisper and make shitty comments and don't even bother explaining to as they aren't worth the time of day! However thats your call. We were given hand out cards by the paed that say 'My kid isn't naughty, bonkers or mad she has ADHD which is a medical condition no different from any other please be respectful' you could make up your own and hand them out when necessary.

Thanks Chundle - it is very interesting to hear that the professionals were encouraging of sharing the dx. At present I feel like I only have the ones who tut and make mean comments around me but probably if I put my own hurt feelings aside there are plenty out there who would be supportive. How have those you have told reacted?

They have been pretty good and said "oh we know m is a bit lively didn't think she would have ADHD though" that sort of thing but on the whole pretty good. I had to restrain myself from punching a mother the other morning who said in a loud voice in the playground that dd was 'horrible'. Now my dd is far from horrible but people like her disgust me. You have to grow a thick skin and it's done wonders for me learning to control my temper! Dd often asks parents what they are staring at which is quite funny as they never quite know what to say!

I got DS a T shirt that says "what are you staring at?" the other day cos I was feeling defiant (the woman that threatened to hit him in Lidls for singing the Dr Who theme tune nearly did my head in). Peacocks sell it in bright yellow ; )

If it's a small village you could ask for a prayer for tolerance towards DD and other sufferers of hidden disabilities to be included in the intercessions - word will get round fast enough.

Or alternitively you could be the better person and ignore it.

Never forget the SP needs muvva's mantra though:-

"Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind"

I let everyone know through the gossipy Mums network (that obviously I wasn't a part of :) )

I felt they def weren't going to think worse of DS than they already did and I hoped some of them would be more tolerant....

But as none of them are my friends I don't really know what they think :)

They're mostly so 'English Polite' that I can't tell at all what they're thinking....

So it is obviously not just me then! I have certainly discovered where I stand. bochead that mantra suits perfectly - thank you so much - I shall mutter it under my breath while I stand alone in the playground feeling like a lemon.

No. I haven't told any parents of friends and do not intend to. There are too many ill informed, bigoted individuals that would judge based on ignorance ... so frankly not worth it. He is lively and that's it .... it hasn't been an issue with his friends - still gets party invites, play dates and has friends. He's getting better as he gets older, so in a way I'm glad I didn't tell everyone cos his symptoms are less obvious iyswim. Family and a few very close family friends are aware of his dx. I have stood and listened to parents slag off kids with SN and I don't intend my child to be the subject of their bitching. These are purely my thoughts on the subject and in no way advice to what you should do ... it's very much an individual choice.

We didn't tell anyone, because we hadn't told DS what was actually wrong with him.

We were lucky though and he was diagnosed during the summer before Y3, and he started a new school in Y3 where nobody knew him.

You will probably find the same people won't believe you anyway and will say it's an excuse (we got a lot of that :( )

We haven't told any other parents and do not intend to unless we really have to. The paed was supportive of this decision. We haven't told ds either as he's only 7 and I am not going to create any fear that may result from confusion of the unknown. Agree with Madame, I too have heard gossip at school gates about special needs children and it's turned my stomach. I do not want ds to be the butt of that kind of 'chat'. Call me a coward, but I need to protect him and I don't think women are very supportive of their kind, except on here of course!

I havn't told school mum's no but do occasionally tell people in the street.

My son has autism, adhd and gdd. He is nearly 7 but looks older and looks completely 'normal'. However something can trigger at a moments notice and he goes beserk. Today on the one home from school he dropped to the floor, counted to 100 in a very loud voice and then got up again and carried on.

I will never understand why he does this but it's clearly not being naughty, The number of people who walked past and stared / tutted was unbelievable!

Sadly I let things like this bother me way too much and it does get to me.

Oh, it's such a hard one. The closer they are to being 'normal', the less tolerant people are. And some people still don't believe in ADHD! It was easier for my as my DS with ASD was so obviously odd that I found it much easier to tell people. It's given him an excuse and there was obviously something going on. He's in Y6 now and many of the newer mums who don't know, still tut in the playground. Everyone 2 or 3 years either side knows him well!

Its really hard but to be honest I would only tell those that need to know anyone that tuts or goes on with them selves clearly has no understanding of what ADHD is or means. The problem with ADHD is it gets a lot of bad press ie its not ADHD its just bad parenting. If only that was true then we could easy fix the problem but its not. Having got 4 children myself and only 1 having ADHD it clearly is nothing to do with parenting in anyway. My DD also has emotional developmental delay and at 11 throws a big wobbly like you would see a 4 year old in the supermarket and yes people stare and people tut and people look at you shitty like its all your fault that you can't control your child. These people are just not worth your time of day and for the most part there is no point in saying anything because they look even more shitty at you. The stigma is hard to get used to but you do and it gets to a point that you don't even notice it anymore because its not worth noticing. I also have a 6 year old with ASD and yes you find that most are far more understanding about autism then they are about ADHD.

It would depend on so many things. I suspect DD2 may have ADHD (I do, so her chances are not good, poor thing! ) and though I'm usually in the "get a diagnosis ffs" camp I'd actually hold off as long as possible with her because I don't want her to know till she's more mature/responsible. Knowing her character - bright but idle - I think she'd use it as a constant excuse, and I think if I told other people she'd be playing on it constantly and trying to get away with murder.

On the other hand - she does seem to have a bit of Impulsive going on and I think as she gets older this will get her into increasing amounts of trouble if it carries on at the same level. And at that point I probably would (will?) tell people because I can see that being able to explain that specific bit of behaviour would make life a lot easier for her. Ie that she will occasionally blow her top but she genuinely struggles to control it and afterwards is genuinely sorry.

r3 had to laugh at the 'get away with murder' comment. My ds2 would be exactly the same if he knew about his dx. He has already sussed he's not expected to sit through long assemblies or even the school play (usually gets a technical role anyway). He def milks the situation as it it is ... god only knows what he would be like if he knew

My DS2 has just got a diagnosis of Asperger's and I'm still deliberating. I've told family and v.close friends and will probably tell others. I hope that, once people know, most will be understanding and realise that when he's having a meltdown it's not because he is naughty or that I am a bad parent!

It is very hard though, I decided to tell his gym teacher because he didn't want to take part in a recent competition (he hates any kind of competitive elements to sport or games) and the first time I said aloud "my child has Asperger's" it was a shock even though I've known in my heart for a long time.

I've also got those cards from NAS, so if people in the supermarket or cafe's etc are giving you "cats bum" faces you can just "card" them and walk off without having to say anything

carrotsandcelery Do you live in my village? I've had and still having very similar issues. The problem seems to be that its such a close village and there is this whole bitchy / gossipy bunch of do gooders for want of a better phrase. You should pop over to AIBU and see what I had to deal with yesterday. Its the same pretty much as you describe. I've come to the conclusion there is no point entering into conversations with such narrow minded shallow people. They probably think that ASD and ADHD are made up and its just parenting (in fact the lady I've had a run in with yesterday does and has said so to my face). I like the idea of asking for a prayer of acceptance in the intercessions. That will get round, you'd be surprised.

Here's the link to what happened to me yesterday and you can see you are very definatly not alone.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1188003-Am-I-or-is-the-other-mother

rebl that is outrageous! I don't think there is any sensible way to deal with people like that other than to be polite and then completely ignore them.
Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences. I have told close family and a close friend but left it at that. I won't be telling ds as he would definitely use it as an excuse whereas at the moment he is trying really really hard to "be good". I think, for now at least, I won't tell anyone else the expected diagnosis as it looks likely to fuel the gossip and make him even more of a scapegoat than he already is if that is possible.