Advice on how to deal with aggressive behaviour 4.5 year old at school.

[mamaspice]

DS has had no dx but since starting nursery we have had feedback about poor social skills. He is happy and very able but his social behaviour makes him stand out.
Since he started reception he has been sent to the head teacher various time for hurting other children, usually pushing or head butting out of frustration. I don't know how to deal with this when he gets home. We have a sticker chart at home but his behaviour is usually fine at home and the 'red marks' he gets from being aggressive at school don't seem to make a difference. He does not seem to care if I cancel school play dates. He does not seem to care that everybody is sad about his behaviour.

I believe that he does have some form of autism/aspergers and need advice on how to show him his aggressive behaviour is not appropriate. It makes me so sad because at home is usually absolutely lovely but as soon as he has to cope with other children he quickly gets frustrated. He will have no friends at this rate and this makes me very sad. Any positive ideas would be great.

i don't think you ahve to deal with it at home in terms of punishment or anything because it has been dealt with at school,

what you can do though is talk to him in a general way about what is and isn't appropriate behaviour at school (and out of it) and how we treat our friends, and how we can let them know we're cross/frustrated/upset in a non-violent way.
social stories might help?

have you seen the GP? or spoken to the school about any referrals regarding poss ASD?

Does he have any speech and language problems? only reason i ask is DD had these and this resulted in similar behaviour at school mainly out of frustration.
If you have any concern about ASD etc then essential to get proffessional intervention ASAP - get the school to refer to an educational pyschcologist for assessement, also go to your own GP as well to start the process of trying to get a dx.
Key thing is that the school have to deal with the punishment aspects - it is too late at home - can they record details of what happens where and when and who to - are there any pattersns that might clues as to the reasons why?? can you work with the school for a sticker system for him whilst at school?

Thanks for replies. I have talked to him about appropriate behaviour and what to do if he gets cross/frustrated but he says he forgets. It seems to happen if he is very focused on a particular activity and someone tries to change it or stop it in some way. Can you tell me more about social stories?
School are now starting a sticker system and they have talked about an EP assessment. It feels like I'm on the beginning of a long road so any inspiring stories would be appreciated. I'm feeling pretty down about it all but telling myself need to be strong for DS sake.

Children with ASD often don't respond well to punishment or consequence based behaviour policies. They really don't care about the punishments or even understand that class rules should apply to them. Tricky if behaviour is aggressive as you have to protect the other DC.

Is there anything that really motivates your DS? Computer time or something? Would rewards for good behaviour work best? Can he wait for his reward or must it be instant? Depends on developmental level, I suppose, (or character!) My DS2 understands consequences quite well, eg, missing break for aggressive behaviour, but has never responded to social praise, eg, I'm do proud of you, you have made me very happy. He just doesn't care. He needs extra time on the Wii or something. Whole class rewards don't interest him either. Very egocentric.

Have a chat with school about their behaviour and reward policy, and see if you can get them to modify it to suit your DS.