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Original poster

Escort giving DD 'treats' on the way to school.

14 replies

shockers · 30/03/2011 19:56

Hi,
I found out at DD's review today that her driver and/or escort on school transport is calling in at a fast food chain on the way to school and giving DD doughnuts. Her teacher asked me if I was aware of this and said that it caused a problem as DD often hasn't finished it when she arrives and makes a fuss about it. Apparently she has also arrived with sweets.

This has raised two issues for us. The first is that DD hasn't mentioned it to us, as I think she knows that we would object . I feel that it is inappropriate for our DD to be accepting treats from adults who have a responsibility of care toward her, without them first checking with us. DD is vulnerable because she can't identify with social boundries, so keeping something between her and adults, other than us, secret, is not something I am comfortable with.

The other issue is her diet and weight. She has a good breakfast before she leaves the house and she also takes money for tuck (a slice of toast or piece of fruit) at break. She has been piling on weight recently, despite being quite active in general, and swimming 3 times a week. I put the weight gain down to puberty but I was concerned and took it into account when planning meals.

DD is 12 but has MLD and FAS (birth Mum, not me!)

I would really appreciate your thoughts on how to tackle this with two ladies who are trying to be kind, but IMO , overstepping the mark. I really don't want to offend them.

OP posts:
EllenJane1 · 30/03/2011 20:15

I'm sorry but I think you have to be quite blunt with them. That's completely inappropriate! I'd be furious if it was me. Explain to them how uncomfortable it makes you feel that they have been keeping 'secrets' with your daughter. Are these people volunteers or employees? I assume volunteers? Is that why you feel the need to be gentle about it? I think you have a serious breakdown of trust here. Volunteers or not, it's unacceptable.

Toppy · 30/03/2011 21:15

Totally unacceptable on many levels and I am not a confrontational person so I understand how you feel about raising it with them. I'd just repeat what the teacher said in a matter of fact type way then tell them its probably best if they stock up on their food requirements for the morning before or after they collect and drop of otherwise they'll have to deal with upsetting her which will affect both them and her.

I had a life coach as part of a job once who told me there is nothing wrong with 'trying out new behaviours' even though it feels nerve wracking. Its only you that feels you might offend them - they'll just think you are being straight with them, not an overbearing battleaxe. Its that 'feel the fear and do it anyway' mentality I so wish I could put into practise !

Littlefish · 30/03/2011 21:25

Completely inappropriate. Is the escort/driver arranged by the school or by you? I think you need to speak to the school again, and make it clear that you don't want anything like this to happen ever again. I would also ask for the escort/driver to be spoken to and have it made clear to them that it is inappropriate to do anything that they have not had parental permission to do.

zzzzz · 30/03/2011 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
shockers · 30/03/2011 22:29

Thank you for your replies. Sometimes I feel a bit precious, about food in particular. We don't buy sweets or fizzies but we don't go overboard on restricting them at other people's parties. The thing is, DD will gravitate toward anyone dishing out 'kindness', she has attachment disorder.... That, more than anything, is what made me uncomfortable.... and the fact that she was aware enough not to mention it to us.

The transport is through the council because she attends a special school. She used to be on a school mini bus but we moved out of her school authority. Our new district have given her a taxi and escort to go to her previous school because it was thought by everyone involved that moving schools would have been catastrophic for her (we agreed this before our move, just in case).

I know these two ladies are lovely and think that they're being kind, but I'm glad that you all agree that it's not appropriate. I feel better about telling them now. DD, incidentally, told me it was all their fault and they "made" her eat the doughnuts!Hmm

It was Subway BTW... not quite as bad as the others, but a doughnut is a doughnut....

OP posts:
Original poster
shockers · 30/03/2011 22:32

zzzzz you're absolutely right about lunch!

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growlybear · 31/03/2011 09:37

If it school transport they will be paid to do a job by the council part of their job would NOT to be stopping off at fast food outlets.Their job is to get your child from home to school safetly.I have had to raise problems with drivers and escorts before now.We are all still friends.Take a deep breathe and ask them politely not to do it.

purplepidjin · 31/03/2011 09:55

Totally inappropriate and possibly gross misconduct.

They are abusing your and their employers trust by making a stop of any kind on their journey. You wouldn't expect to get in a taxi at the station, get half way home only for him/her to say "hang on a sec, just need a pint of milk for the missis" and pull in to the corner shop!

I'd go above their heads - explosively.

ohmeohmy · 31/03/2011 10:34

totally inappropriate I would be really cross about this. How do they know the kids don't have allergies/diabetes or whatever that could make feeding them more of a problem than they know. They should definitely not be extending travelling time by stopping for snacks and making the transistion into school problematic.

Spinkle · 31/03/2011 11:22

Oh my goodness.

That's so inappropriate. They need to be aware that it could look like grooming.

And stopping on the way? I'm sure there must be guidelines for this and they have been massively abused.

Original poster
shockers · 31/03/2011 18:34

Thanks everyone! DH had a word this morning and asked that it not happen again. He didn't think any offence was taken, but he is quite thick skinned. The escort did point out (quite smugly according to DH) that DD had come out of school with sweets today!

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EllenJane1 · 31/03/2011 18:41

Bloody hell, they are employees! Not just some kindly old ladies, then! What training have they had? It's outrageous. And I'm afraid Spinkle is right, it could be seen as grooming.

Bonkerz · 31/03/2011 18:48

My DS goes to school in a taxi and has an escort. He has had the same taxi driver for over 5 years now and we get on really well but i did notice that towards the end of last year DS was fine leaving the house and hyper getting to school. Some digging found that he was drinking fizzy in car given to him by driver. I had a word and just said how it was lovely it was treating DS but could he keep it for after school and not let him eat or drink in car but bring it in home so i can choose if he has been good enough for the treat. This is whats been done ever since! we also have an escort who works in the local supermarket who regularly send in cakes and bread that have been discounted from her work!

Original poster
shockers · 31/03/2011 19:56

That's the same set up as us then Bonkerz. They do become like friends and that is nice for DD. They are both nice ladies, and apparently, the first time it happened, it was the driver's birthday. I have a feeling that DD may have nagged for the treat after that and, because her behaviour is not always great, they've rewarded her when she has been very good. The food outlet is near the school, so at the end of the journey.

I'm glad DH said something... I was uncomfortable with it, however well meant it was.

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