Feeling down again, really bad parents evening at Nursery for dd with possible ASD

[pigletmania]

That says it all really, had a parents evening for dd 4 at her nursery which is part of the school which she will go to in September, and it was the most soul destroying meeting ever, felt like crying and that there is no hope for dd. The meeting was with the headteacher and dd nursery teacher, her headteacher asked how we felt that dd was progressing, we felt that she had really come on in the last few weeks, had even learning to ride a bike and can ride a scooter, and her communication has come on however the same cannot be said at Nusery.

It was a really negative meeting only highlighting dd difficulties and nothing of the positives. The school is in the process of reapplying for another statement, and in a meeting a few weeks ago they said that they would need to word it negatively to get it. Just feel so down, I am friends with a few mums at her nuresery and their children had glowing reports, except dd . Is this the sign of things to come in the future, if that is I dont want to go to anymore parents evenings

Oh poor you. I know exactly how you feel.

I don't know your dd's diagnosis, but my ds is almost 4, asd, and attends mainstream nursery. All the other mums have spent the last two years getting to know each other and each others' dc. Normal things. Having tea together, playdates, meeting up in the park, chatting about what (ms) school the dc are going to in September, where they're going on holiday, what stage of reading/writing the dc are at, would gabriel like to come for tea on thursday to play with florence.

In the meantime I'm applying for a statement of 1:1 for ds. My daily life is spent researching more and more about autism to try and understand ds. Trying to meet other people locally in the same situation. Going over the SENCoP in detail to make sure I'm as knowledgable as possible in fear of being shafted by the LA. Working out how we're going to keep paying for ABA. Spending my day stopping ds wrapping scarves around his neck. Making sure dd is not alone with him for a minute in case she gets really hurt. Getting him to sit down at the table again to finish even one more mouthful of breakfast/lunch/supper. Standing in front of the microwave for 25 minutes to stop him repeatedly turning it on.

But being thrilled today when for the first time in his life he draws a recognisable picture of a person, adds tears to it and says they're crying; uses a scooter in the way it is designed for the first time; spontaneously greets somebody who comes to the door.

Sorry for the rant Feeling a bit pissed off today.

But sometimes it hits you what a world away from 'normal' parenting we are.

All I can say is, if your dd is in mainstream nursery, don't compare her to her peers. What they are doing is not exceptional, it is just average. What your dd achieves is phenomenal for her. There is hope for her, you just need to make sure she gets the support she needs.

It sounds like the nursery are comparing her to her nt peers, which is meaningless. They should be comparing her to what she was like, say, 6 months ago, and should be recognising and congratulating you and her on the progress made. However, it is great they are supporting your request for a statement.

What is dd's dx?

Sorry

Just realised you said possible asd in the thread title. Doh!

Have a {hug}, have 3 {{{hugs}}}

When you say 'possible ASD', do you mean you are currently going through the process of getting a Dx?

Thanks everyone, I think that the school is being negative as they are gearing up to reapplying for a statement for her, the head said a few weeks ago that they would have to highlight her difficulties more to get one. Funnily enough the headteacher said her daughter who is now an adult at uni, had social communication ASD and had to have a statement for school. I would have liked a more balanced view of her, it seems as though her nursery teachers are more positive about her than the headteacher. It is a good school, and is just down the road from me so I can easily get there as I dont drive.

Thanks so much bailystock I know but I guess to get the staement they have to emphasise how different she is from her peers, it hurts. In terms of progress she has made a hell of a lot of progress and is communicating so much more at home, but more reluctant at nursery. As a poster highlighted i should do a big board and list the things she can do today than she could not do say 6 months ago.

DD is an intelligent girl but because of her social communication/speech and lang developmental delay it makes it difficult for her especially in the school environment. I am going to have a talk to the nursery teacher today about my feelings, I felt so down about it all. It seems as though dd is on a different wavelength to other children, like she is tuned into a different channel. There was a thread on here from a dad who did a blog about his newly dx ds and he recommended some books, i might get one and read it. Sometimes its hard to accept, and you desperately want things to be different and do clutch at straws.

bailystock thats fantastic dd yet to draw a recognisable picture. Your ds sounds alot like dd. We will have more pick of schools once i hope she gets a statement, I will see how she gets on at that school and if so move her if its not meeting her needs. The headteacher has said that they have other children with ASD at the school, some with grater difficulties than dd.

Yes we are awaiting a diffante dx, the dev paed is veering toward ASD but he has said that he wants to have a meeting with others involved with dd to make a definite dx so its not definite as yet

I've had some horrible parent's evenings, I think some people just have no tact

It may well be that there's a lot of negatives - but you think they could finish with one positive, even a silly one just to cheer parents up, it would be so much better

I can identify.Nursery was awful for DS. He used to put a hat on and run roundthe nursery and they reacted as if he was a terrorist. Much later I read that little boys do that sort of thing when they are anxious. He wasn't diagnosed with Aspergers until he was 12, and Statemented at 13 so at least you are heading in the right direction.
I got so upset about Parents' Evenings that sometimes I had to make DH go. I know it is no consolation, but you aren't alone.

Well I was very upset about the parents evening yesterday, so I had a quiet word with dds nursery teacher and just poured out my feelings, she was very helpful and said that they had to highlight dd difficulties as they are statementing her, and that this is not the sign of things to come, and that it will get more positive feedback. She was very reassuring and said that dd had made progress at nursery but they had to highlight these difficult areas. On collecting dd in the afternoon, the headteacher took me into the family room for a word, and I did reiterate what I had said on here, she told me not to worry and that they have seen a big improvement in dd but they need to highlight the difficulties to get a statement, and that it will start to get more positive in the future, as I told them that i no longer wanted to attend parent evenings if things were going to be negative, and was reassured that they wont be

The headteacher also talked about her dd who has social communication, speech and lang delay, and severe dyslexia and how the statement that she recieved at 5 helped her to succeed at school and to progress to higher education. It was reassuring having those second meetings, and feel a lot better

Hi Piglet,
I just wanted to say I know exactly where you are coming from. DS is 3.7 and was DX 3 weeks ago with ASD. He attends a private nursery 3 days a week when i'm at work. He has a major tantrum most mornings about the CD player when I drop him off. He doesn't/can't interact with the other children, and although sympathetic, everytime I pick him up I am informed about problems that day. I had a meeting with the potential school last week, headteacher and SENCO with a view to applying for a statement. I have spent the last few weeks concentrating on all the bad things, all the problems, issues, all the things DS can't do, all the speech and language problems, all the stimming, I have been in tears filling in his DLA form again concentrating on the negatives. We went to a childs party last week and some of the moms have kids starting school in sept with DS. They were chatting about it and their kids looking forward to it, etc, and I just smiled and nodded etc as I can't tell them about DS and his ASD. I haven't told my friends at work yet, or some friends in RL as I physically cannot make my mouth say the words, ASD.
We must try not to compare our kids, and we need a lot of time to come to terms with the fact that our lives will be taking a different path, but you know what-I reckon that in another 2 yrs time life will be different again, and our DC will make progress and we will be celebrating their achievements, but for now I for one find the sadness overwhelming. Thank goodness for MN where we can come, rant and cry because people here do understand what we are going through.

I agree with everything said. And would also like to offer a hug :) my son is asd and we went through the same. Focus on all the things they do well. Tell him how handsome he is, how much he is loved, how he can do ANYTHING!

Jane

P.s I noticed you do aba. Google caudwell children charity, they fund for aba and for biomed etc x x x

Oh dietstarts it is hard big ((((hugs)))) to you, I know its hard to think of the positives and then you start comparing them with other children which does not help one bit. Can you get DLA if your child has ASD? I didnt know that. She hasent got an official diagnosis, so far the Dev Paed has said its social communication and speech and lang dev delay, he is going to hold a meeting with all the other professionals involved in dd care to decide on a dx. Someone said to me that there is nothing wrong with dd just that their brains are wired in different ways and that they have a different way of thinking, which if you look at it from that angle makes a lot of sense. Thanks to you all for all the wonderful advice

"We went to a childs party last week and some of the moms have kids starting school in sept with DS. They were chatting about it and their kids looking forward to it, etc, and I just smiled and nodded etc as I can't tell them about DS and his ASD. I haven't told my friends at work yet, or some friends in RL as I physically cannot make my mouth say the words, ASD. "

I know exactly where you're coming from

Ds was dx last September but I have still not 'officially' told so many people, family/friends/other mum friends - just mumble stuff about social communication problems, 'probably on the autistic spectrum' etc.

Someday soon I'm sure we'll muster the courage to say it but hey ho, just concentrate on our dc, ourselves, and our families for now

Hi Pigelet-one of the categories you can apply for ASD is for speech, language and communication problems. Does your child need help communicating with others? Are you having speech therapy? I have applied for DLA and sent the form off yesterday, so we will have to wait and see. I think lots of other people get DLA for ASD kids, so watch this space. It's a big form though, but you get 6 weeks to fill it in.

Bialy-It's so bloody hard isn't it? I am thinking about texting some people to tell them as I can't say the words, as i'll start crying and probably won't be able to stop.

My DS is so gorgeous, and funny and loving but sometimes it's so hard to remember this and get past ASD.

I know exactly how you feel, I have felt like this so many times, in fact lets be honest I feel like this everyday. I can't say that it will get easier - but gradually you will get stronger. Its so hard not to look around and see what nt children are doing and for me the gap just keeps getting wider - at school its all about what reading level they are on....it never gets easier and there wil be an awful lot more tears yet to come and an awful lot more situations where you just want the ground to open up and swallow you up. BUT your child is yours and yours for a reason, will we ever know why you and not them? - of course not but maybe just maybe our SEN children are given to us because someone somewhere knows we are capable of doing the best for them, its not the life we all planned but a different journey - doesn't make it better or worse - just different. Oh dear I sound a bit of a nut case here! just trying to say we all feel like this and its never easy but your not alone XXXX

That's lovely mommapiggy- must make that my mantra...
"your child is yours and yours for a reason, will we ever know why you and not them? - of course not but maybe just maybe our SEN children are given to us because someone somewhere knows we are capable of doing the best for them, its not the life we all planned but a different journey - doesn't make it better or worse - just different"

....Not saying thats how I feel everyday - but what I try to belive in so i guess its already my mantra! Try it next time some smug mum of an nt genius is off on one about how little florence is on gold level reading, is fluent in 3 languages, can recite her 12x table and wrote a story in latin last night and shes only in reception blah blah - just step back and think - oh yes how amazing - but clearly you didn't have an SEN kid as theres absolulty no way you'd ever cope... keep strong xx