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Life with an autistic son

114 replies

BsDad · 26/03/2011 15:01

Hi,

I'd like to invite Mumsnet members to read a blog I am writing about my son, aged 3, who has just had a diagnosis of autism.

My wife is a regular poster on Mumsnet and it has been an invaluable source of advice and comfort. I'm not sure there's even a Dadsnet, so I thought I'd post here.

I've been writing the blog for a while now, more for myself than anything else. I've just made it public, as I thought there might be things on there that are worth sharing, particularly for parent's who find themselves right at the very start of the experience of having a child with ASD.

I'd welcome any comments and feedback via here or the blog. Thanks.

autisticson.wordpress.com/

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Jennylee · 17/04/2011 12:06

just read that post and know how awful it is to realise something that was right in front of you the whole time, my son is 12 and we were told by schools from when he was 7 that he seemed to have asperger's, but we didn't believe it and thought his behaviour was caused by deafness and glue ear, now it has been spelled out to us, we have read up on it and my son has shown he cannot cope out and about and at school, we see it all the time and it almost explains everything about him, we went through a really dark time which we are only just coming out of, and the assessment is in May so we know maybe its going to hit us again then. He also has hypermobility which we did not realise but now can see it in his baby pictures, his feet are splayed. I felt so guilty. I don't know about MRI's but it would be worrying, you will survive this. I wonder how my son affects his younger siblings, he only plays by hitting fighting or wrestling them no matter how much we try to stop him but he loves them very much, and is very protective of them. I hope they will feel that way about him when they are older. I hope my daugther won't copy him, that worries me sometimes. Your blog is a good thing.

specialmusic · 17/04/2011 13:26

Hi B's dad and thanks for the blog, a fresh perspective.
I looked through the archives - is there a general introduction about yourselves anywhere? You know, like "this is who we are, we have so many children, B was diagnosed when.." etc. It's just that everything seems to start in medias res... ?

BsDad · 17/04/2011 13:32

The link below is where it all started. At the end of the post there are links and arrows to go on to the next post. I suppose I should add a sub page or something with the context. Anyway, thanks for reading.

www.autisticson.wordpress.com/2011/02/21/9/

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specialmusic · 17/04/2011 13:46

Thanks for the link, exactly what I was looking for! :) Makes it so much easier to understand your later posts.

BsDad · 23/04/2011 14:01

Hi,

I've just posted about Hyperlexia at my blog:

www.autisticson.wordpress.com/

Perhaps I'm getting carried away, but my son's reading does seem advanced, especially when compared to the way he struggles to communicate in other ways. Is this familiar to others?

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mummyplum · 02/05/2011 21:02

Bsdad - thank you so much for posting the link to your blog. It all sounds rather familiar. I am going throught he diagnostic process for my Daughter at the moment. I shall be pointing DD's father in the direction of this blog, as he is in denial about the situation and I think it may help him to read a father's point of view.

awmidlands · 03/05/2011 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

BsDad · 11/05/2011 20:59

mummyplum- hope the dx process works out for you. We're still at the start of all this but if there's one thing we've learnt it is to believe in your own judgement. Also, a sense of having some control is really important, as most of the time it all seems a bit beyond control.

I've blogged about this here:
autisticson.wordpress.com/2011/05/05/affirmative-action/

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BsDad · 15/05/2011 08:31

Looking through the posts on this forum makes me realise how much in common our experiences are. At the risk of sounding cliched, we really are not alone. I feel like I could have written many of the posts on this forum myself. This week I blogged about applying for a statement and, reading it back, I realised how much of our progress has been supported and helped by posting here (mostly via my wife's posts). Thanks everyone.

autisticson.wordpress.com/

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Ben10isthespawnofthedevil · 15/05/2011 08:43

Thanks BsDad.

I love the positivity of that post. Am struggling this weekend to feel that I can deal with everything going on (DS's DX process, my health, money etc) and reading that with the rainbow colours at the top showing the spectrum has really cheered me Smile

jojocircus75 · 20/05/2011 13:35

Hi, I too have an autistic 4 year old due to start school in September, we just found out he got full statement ready for school so are really pleased. I read your blog and can totally relate to nearly everything, you put it into words very well much better than i could. I really enjoyed reading it, sometimes I feel no one understands properly unless you are going through it and I think for someone just starting out on their childs autistic journey it would give them a good idea of what to expect.

oodlesofdoodles · 21/05/2011 22:11

Hi just read some of your eloquent blog. My DS1 is ages with your DS2 but fortunately here in Scotland we can defer school entry for a year so he won't have to start until 2012. Anyway, you say your wife has been ordering lots of books and I'm wondering whch ones you recommend.

BsDad · 22/05/2011 09:30

Oodles,

On the blog is a page called 'Reading List' where I keep a record of what we've read and what we thought of it. If you're just starting out and need to understand asd, I'd recommend Tony Attwood's 'The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome'. If you're starting to look into things like ABA, try 'The Verbal Behavior Approach', by Mary Lynch Barbera. There are lots more on the blog.
Interesting to hear about your son's school deferment. Given the concerns I wrote about in the last entry, I wonder if some sort of adapted timetable/attendance might be the way forward for us.

autisticson.wordpress.com/

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Agnesdipesto · 22/05/2011 09:43

The Rose Report (Look of Dept of Ed) looked at age of starting school. He said children should go at reception age but there should be an option for parents to defer for up to one year. LAs don't like this as they just see an extra years money later on, although many children with HFA need extra time at the beginning but then can skip a year later on esp those who read early etc

Legally children do not have to go until the term after they are 5
You also have the right to flexi school (part home ed)

My DS starts in Sept. He now has a fulltime ABA programme we won at Tribunal and will start three half days with 1:1 ABA support and do the rest of his education at home with ABA. For him school is just about play and social skills with peers, everything else would be a waste of his time which is better spent trying to close the gap on language etc. He teaches himself the academics eg has known letters and numbers since 2 and can sight read / rote learn things so there is little point spending his mornings learning phonics when he can be having 1:1 intensive lessons on speech etc which is 2 years behind.

We also want school to be a success and build from there, not force fulltime attendance.

You can also consider schools with units attached if you get a statement or a dual placement at mainstream and special school / unit.

If DS had not got ABA and had to go to m/s fulltime we would have pushed for a different 1:1 TA mornings and afternoons because a whole day with DS would be too intense for anyone to keep him on track and I just cannot see one person managing to do a whole day effectively. They would be burnt out by Xmas.

BsDad · 22/05/2011 12:39

Agnesdipesto,

Thanks for sharing this. You seem really on top of the situation and I was wondering, how did you get to where you are now? We have recieved no input yet about the best type of provision or timetable for our son. There are meetings coming up but no one is talking about ABA. He is being considered for a statement so perhaps something will come from that. To what extent were you the driving force behind your son's provision?

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smugtandemfeeder · 22/05/2011 16:35

BSdad, I just wanted to say how excellent I think your blog is. I read every entry and it felt so much like our situation and the stage we are at at the moment. My DH even read it which is rather unlike him. It was nice for him to read a male perspective on it. Thank you again and we will keep reading.

oodlesofdoodles · 22/05/2011 20:23

Thanks for the book list B's dad. It would be great if some of your blog followers could add reviews too. I'm disappointed that my local libarary don't have any of the books you and others here recommend. In fact searches for Verbal Behaviour and Applied Behavioural Analysis bring up nothing on the catalogue.

Agnesdipesto - wow I'm impressed that you got full time ABA funded. Did you get advice from someone to make that happen? Also, I didn't know you could flexi home ed.

Agnesdipesto · 22/05/2011 23:25

BSDad and oodles, ok here goes, sorry its a long story!

I would like to be able to tell you that it had been a straightforward journey to get ABA funded but it was almost a 2 year process. It is fair to say we have had to drive this all the way in face of much opposition.

No-one will talk to you about ABA because of its cost. That is probably also true of any other independent provision. independent placements are increasingly seen as a last resort and to be gatekeeped for the most severe / challenging children. Most LAs will not offer ABA - if any did offer it freely they would be very foolish as we would all move there! You will have to raise the issue.

Initially when DS regressed at 2.3 we looked at the local MLD special school nursery which had on site SALT etc which we thought was the best option to start with (we could not afford ABA really) - we hoped DS would then move to mainstream at Year 1 or 2 if he did well.

We asked the LA to consider fast tracking him to SS nursery and treat him as 'severe and complex' child rather than the graduated approach. They just tried to put us off the SS in a really quite inappropriate and unethical way. Request for statutory assessment was refused - against the evidence - he had to fail at mainstream first.

We started ABA after the refusal to assess as it was clear we were looking at months of deliberate delay and DS had already lost 6 months since regressing. We did it ourselves part time with an ABA supervisor and no tutors to keep costs down.

The LA decided on day one what they were going to give DS (the cheapest provision they could get away with) and they never budged from that position. There was never any dialogue, much as we tried. We appealed the refusal to assess and the LA backed down rather than go to tribunal - I think they thought if we give them an assessment they will go away.

Two things happened which led to the end result - DS did brilliantly with ABA within days the nursery and we saw dramatic changes esp with his language - and the LA EP did a report which supported intensive early intervention preferably ABA (having seen it) or at the least SS nursery place. He recommended daily specialist teaching and intensive systematic programmes. We were very lucky with the EP, however I am guessing that he had no idea how much ABA costs as our LA had only funded it once before.

However the LA ignored their own EP. The Statement they issued was 100% 1:1 in mainstream nursery (15 hours a week) + SALT and autism outreach visits. None of the reports for statutory assessment recommended mainstream. The LA ignored everyone and just cherry picked the phrases which could be used to support them and ignored the 99% of the evidence that supported us.

We appealed the statement. It took 10 months to get to tribunal (we took the full 2 months to appeal and it then got adjourned due to witness issues). By the time we got to tribunal we had done nearly a year of the mainstream ASD provision in nursery and of ABA at home. We were able to compare the two and show good progress at home and poor / no progress at nursery. DS gained 20 IQ points in the first 6 months of a very part time ABA programme delivered by us. We also worked on different targets at home than were in his nursery IEPs

You would have thought with their own EP against them the LA would have pulled out all the stops and SALT and outreach would have been in nursery regularly (we had been promised weekly visits of an hour of outreach) proving it was appropriate and enough. In fact they turned up about 4 times in the year, did no direct work with DS at all just gave generic 'advice and support', set up one programme (group singing in a circle which frankly every nursery does anyway and which they let DS stim his way through) and did not demonstrate anything to nursery staff ever - the nursery even wrote and asked for more support and they did not come. We also challenged outreach about why they were not coming weekly and had not set up any programmes and were fobbed off. SALT also did no direct work.

We could not understand how were they going to defend themselves at tribunal when the provision was so poor. Then their response to our appeal against the statement arrived - a lever arch file full of lies about how we were obsessed with ABA and so had obstructed the outreach staff from going in and using different approaches, how the nursery were terrified of us and would not go against us so were only using ABA and not outreach, how we were so rude to their staff they had to withdraw them - so basically the reason the provision had been so poor and outreach had not come was our fault as parents and not theirs. SALT switched sides and also said there were 'issues' with parents. The SALT manager criticised ABA and our parenting.

We did an FOI request and found many emails arranging meetings with SALT / SEN officers / EP / outreach etc which we had no knowledge of. (More time was spent in meetings preparing ways to deny provision than was spent actually giving DS provision) The LA bullied our nursery who supported progress with ABA and were fed up they had got no support from outreach. The LA invented spurious breaches of disability act, blamed nursery staff for not delivering good intervention (although they had never been shown how), threatened to remove funding for all the children at nursery who had free funding (which was every child in nursery over 3 so would ruin their business), and just before tribunal they subjected two 20 year old girls who looked after DS at nursery to a 1.5 hour barrage of questions about progress and implementation of the statement by a panel of 5 LA professionals and the SEN officer then wrote up minutes of this for tribunal (never shared with nursery) to put the LA in a good light and us parents in a bad light (we were not invited!). The autism outreach teacher lied in her notes and at tribunal - looking at them it was obvious that every visit had been written up with the intention to discredit us at tribunal- it was clearly a tried and tested method as her notes bore little relation to what was discussed or what happened over the year.

At Tribunal the LA thought that discrediting us and talking about what a fantastic service they would have delivered had they been able to would be enough. However we had written lots of very reasonable letters asking for help, the nursery despite severe wobbles did back us (although they would not speak up about the lies as the staff were terrified of getting the nursery in trouble with the LA) they did support that the SALT and outreach provision had not met need and ABA had. We had a pro ABA private EP (with testing eg the IQ gains etc) and our ABA staff who had lots of data about progress at home. The LA EP was also stuck as he had supported ABA. He tried to say his report was not his own views but just his report of our views! He was in an impossible position though.

The Tribunal saw through the bluff. We won FT ABA because we argued DS had lost 18 months and he needed intensive ABA to regain that lost time and to get into school. Also because the Tribunal were not confident the LA could deliver programmes for DS having delivered nothing effective in 12 months. In effect we won what the LA EP had recommended 12 months earlier.

So it has been a traumatic journey to get here. But worth it. DS is now doing well - still massive challenges and delays, but both the ABA consultant (psych) and the LA EP (we still get on!) have seen very significant changes in DS since ABA began fulltime. He has a good profile to progress much further still.

We did wonder if the LA would offer the SS place, even at the tribunal door, but they never did - which was just as well as DS had made too much progress by then. He now needs mainstream peers to 'practice' on.

The advice we had was Tribunals award ABA for 2 reasons: 1. lack of progress or 2. very challenging behaviour which cannot be managed in LA mainstream or special school. You also have to show ABA will work for your particular child. Whilst the year of watching DS fail in nursery was hard, we would not have won what we did without that experience and evidence. It didn't feel like it at the time, but it worked out for the best.

It is a real shame that LAs do not want to bring ABA into mainstream. It has really worked for DS. In effect DS has a special school education delivered partly in a mainstream setting.

In fact the SS nursery approach would have been similar - HF children who used to get in would go from age 3-6 (an extra year in nursery) and then transfer over to mainstream very gradually eg one morning a week at year 1 or 2 with the SS staff training the mainstream staff. Our ABA approach is similar DS will build up gradually and ABA will work with him until such time as he can manage without them or a mainstream TA can be trained to do it.

Your blog is absolutely right - you must trust your instincts. We were told many things about DS - about where he should go, what level of support was enough or too much, about his IQ, whether he would regain language, whether to use PECS and visuals or push speech, how much time to put him in school. I can honestly say that despite starting off as knowing nothing about autism every single decision we as parents have made about DS has been proved to be the right one. So if full-time school does not feel right, it probably isn't.

BsDad · 23/05/2011 21:30

Wow, massive thanks for this. I'm sure I will re-read it carefully many times. It is excellent advice and you are very kind to take the time to share such a detailed account. Your story is an inspiration to anyone going through this process. I do have one more question though- how do these people sleep at night?

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oodlesofdoodles · 23/05/2011 22:06

Thanks for telling your story Agnes. It sounds utterly exhausting - well done for keeping going. I take it you knew from the start that you wanted funding for the ABA.

I'm glad to hear your son is doing well with his ABA. It cheers me up enormously to know there's a way to help our DS too. We are looking for a consultant and trying amateurish smarties/tickles bribes - which have changed some behaviours that seemed intractable a few weeks ago.

Will your LA change their approach with other children or just become more defensive and unhelpful now I wonder? Hopefully the former!

baboos · 26/05/2011 21:52

Have just read through your blog........some parts were almost painful for me, you put into words the thoughts and fears I have for my 3 year old son.

He has a twin brother, and although I have known for some time now that there is a problem, have spent many months deluding myself that they were just different.

I have now started the process of getting him the help and support he will most definately need, will look forward to reading updates.

BsDad · 29/05/2011 08:20

baboos- good luck with the whole process. I think my wife would agree with you that it's painful reading at times. Pretty much everyone I've spoken to has that period of thinking they're just different. I know we did. Thanks for the support.

autisticson.wordpress.com/

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smileANDwave2000 · 29/05/2011 16:47

im further along the process but it all sounds so familiar nice to read from a mans perspective btw , but as i was saying on a previous post i was one of those people told i was exagerating my ds shouldnt be compared to peers Hmm shouldnt compare to friends or families dcs but originally i knew nothing / was told nothing of my dcs rights or what help was out there i had no idea about MN in fact untill i was asked by my someone about his ASD i knew nothing of ASD (googles frantically) i thought he had communication problems of some sort , was qwerky "different" had challenging behaviour was perhaps ADHD but i knew nothing about autism, I only knew autism to be classic like rainman i didnt know the spectrum existed my ds had almost no help yet id seen a paed and other HCP over the years but nobody came to my rescue we were left floundering , it has to be one of the worst experiences in my life .he now has a dx of ASD (moderate) dyspraxia and is now after failing more schools than id like to mention, at a SS but i had to become that overbearing pushy parent (im so shy normally) it really was a case of shouting demanding causing a ruckus , i look forward to a brighter future for ds but the whole process in too long to cold and too money minded spent worrying on their part about figures and statistics and funds the only ones suffering are our dcs and our families.

BsDad · 07/06/2011 23:58

smaileANDwave200,
Thanks for sharing this. The part about being 'left floundering' really strikes a chord. I think our support has been quite good so far, but there's no denying that once you get the dx, you're on your own. I have so many unanswered questions and things I'm unsure of. I'm hoping that when he starts school we'll have access to more support.
autisticson.wordpress.com/

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Toppy · 08/06/2011 19:54

Hi B's dad - just read your latest blog - beautifully eloquent as ever. I am so impressed at your astute observations and am reminded of Charlotte Moore's book 'George and Sam' about her two autistic boys. You should add this to your reading list - I think you would find enjoy her story, the facts, information and advice she conveys and her writing style which is similar to yours