How do I separate his SN from his stubbornness?

[twolittlemonkeys]

Hoping someone here can help. I'm new to this section of MN.

DS1 (5) is almost certainly on the autistic spectrum, probably Aspergers, from the books I've read and diagnostic criteria I've seen etc. In the process of being assessed, although paed is reluctant to make any kind of diagnosis until he's been in his new school a year, even though most of the professionals we've seen are fairly confident he has Aspergers. He started this school in January - first school was a private school and a complete disaster, this one seems infinitely better, they have a much more positive attitude and are determined to make it work and not to fail him, which is fab.

However, now that he's settled in, his behaviour seems to have got worse and worse rather than improving as he's found his feet. He has lots of obsessive behaviours, which they were aware of. The teacher is doing her best to minimise these as some of them are disruptive to other children/ the general routine or even the safety of other children (eg. he has recently become obsessed with the tyres in the playground and tries to stack them up really precariously when they are arranged on the ground for an activity). The obsessiveness is all probably part and parcel of ASD. He flips very easily at the smallest things, reactions are completely disproportionate to the problem.

However, the thing they are struggling the most with is just persuading him to do things he doesn't want to, eg R-Time, picking a reading book (no idea why, he is a fantastic reader with a very high reading age), doing appropriate maths work (again, he is great with numbers but will randomly refuse to do the things which are set and want something easier, but then if given the easy stuff will act up because he isn't being stimulated. After Easter, he will be doing maths with Yr 2 - currently goes up to Yr1 3 times a week for numeracy but is way ahead of them too).

Consequences and rewards seem to have no effect on his behaviour and I honestly don't know how much of it is down to his SN and how much is just down to him being utterly stubborn and wilful! He's so adamant he has to be in control all the time. Even when he needs the toilet he will put it off because he wants to keep doing his activity of choice, if anyone reminds him or asks him to go he will refuse on principle and frequently wet or even soil himself rather than admit that I/his teacher was right.

I really need strategies to deal with this, both for me to use at home and to help his teacher at school. I know we will probably always need to make allowances in certain areas but he still needs to learn that he has to cooperate with his teacher. Am at my wits' end! Sorry for the long first post!

ed pysche thinks my son age 6 has PDA, agree with leningrad about indirect requests, worked for the ed pysche after my son refusing to acknowledge her for a whole hour with his ears in fingers and screaming at her. I can only describe living with my son as "walking on eggshells" all the time. His mood swings are frequent, explosive and aggressive and its extremely tiring. As for schooling, my son hasnt returned since January, in reception he always used the words "they force me", teachers explained it as "needs lots of encouragement". Im totally lost too be honest and waiting for the assessment with a paed to either confirm it or not and then hopefully to be told how to handle this behaviour

Thanks for your replies. Some of the PDA symptoms ring true, others definitely don't, for example, there was no language delay, he is not comfortable with imaginative play, and doesn't appear sociable on the surface (he's quite happy to be on his own!) Giving him choices used to work, but now he'll just say 'neither' and meltdown when his chosen activity eg playing on the computer, is not an option. Occasionally it does still work at home but I suspect at school there is a bit less flexibility, for example, when it's time to come inside, he needs to come in, they can't leave him playing outside on his own whilst the other 30 children are inside.

Brandy77 I can only describe living with my son as "walking on eggshells" all the time. His mood swings are frequent, explosive and aggressive and its extremely tiring. that perfectly describes what it's like at times with my DS1.

He does have to be in control but when things go wrong he always blames someone/ something else, and refuses to take responsibility for his mistakes.

I'm a secondary SN Teacher, so have some experience.

You probably can't separate his stubborness from his SN: his stubborness is most likely part of his SN. What he, you & his teachers have to do is find a way of accomodating his needs; by definition, the one who will find this hardest to understand is your DS.

Be careful of accepting a single simple diagnosis (ADHD / ODD / PDA etc). Be aware that Aspergers is not really a medical condition: it is more an ill-defined sector of the autistic spectrum. By definition, no two autistic children are alike: as one parent once said to me, very sadly, "Every autistic child has a special gift: unfortunately, N's is for tearing up paper..."

Asperger's puts your DS at the milder end of the spectrum, so you have something to be grateful for: it means that, through trial & error, you should be able to find effective coping strategies & tactics. Your key technique here is observation: take things slowly, note his reactions and WRITE THEM DOWN. It may seem silly, but a contemporaneous log of what has worked and what has not is worth far more than a few hazy memories 6 weeks later; it will also tend to slow you down which is a GOOD thing. He has to feel settled in any environment or technique before you can begin to assess its value for him,

As a first step, I suggest you try to establish a safe or neutral place / activity which he can go to when he does not want to follow class instructions. It may take a while for the idea to sink in, but once it does (esp if he has obsessional behaviour patterns) he should be able to start to make the decision to go there on his own.

Finally, do not despair! Children with Aspergers, and with conditions much further down the Autistic Spectrum, will go on to have full & fullfilling lives if their childhood is properly managed. I should know, as I think I am one of them (undiagnosed & unbothered).
www.mumsnet.com/te/1.gif

Thank you MillieMae for your post, I will definitely start to make a log of tactics which work in certain situations. I will suggest the neutral place idea to his teacher - they have a quiet area just off the main classroom that would probably be perfect for that.

Must get to bed now, but may be back with more questions! Thanks!!