I want to cope but i'm struggling.

[northernmonkey]

I dont feel this even justifies been written in sn :(
Ds1 (10) has ADHD, tourettes and autistic traits.
He has always showed aggression and most of the time its against me. mornings are always the worst.
Over the last year he has been in trouble at school because he's getting more aggressive there. Last year he was suspended after kicking a teacher. Just on monday he was suspended for a second time for hitting a girl in his class. I am now at the end of my tether :(
He is becoming increasingly violent towards dd and ds2 (both younger than him) and they are really starting to be affected my this. I just dont know what to do.
SS wont do anything. They have been involved but they're too busy to be dealing with us.
I'm in a rented property that he keeps smashing up and i cant afford to keep getting it repaired. Plus the neighbours keep complaining. I'm scared i'm going to get thrown out.
I'm on AD's now, i just feel such a faliure.
I'm scared he's going to get thrown out of school.
I feel guilty because at times i dont want him here anymore.
I haven't namechanged, i dont see the point. I feel crap and everyone who nows how i feel.
I just dread each day now :(
Sorry i just had to get this out. Thanks if you've listened so far

Oh northernmonkey poor you. I don't have any experience with ADHD but my ds can be very violent as a result of his AS. I can't believe your not getting help! What does the EP say about it? Or CAMHS? Can they get some behavioural support in? Somebody with way more knowledge than me will hopefully be along to give advice.

Remember you are not alone.

We dont have an EP, even though SS last year said they would sort that for us.
I feel because I am seen to be coping well, they dont bother with us.
CAMHS have asked me to self reffer myself onto a parenting course

if as a last resort he had to go to special school doesnt mean he will lose out academically as long as they can help him learn to control his agression which is what they are good at if say hes particularly bright in math or science he can go to MS for certain lessons my ds goes to SS and i see a lot of fellow pupils going to the comprehensive for lessons too so dont rule it out it could be tha making of him my sons under CAMHS and has been suspended but since being at SS hes become much happier and less violent and calmer in general as he feels understood and listened to there

Thats ok, thanks for responding full stop :)
Yes i did mean Educational psychologist. The social worker i saw promised me he would put is in touch with one. He promised me the support and alsorts, but they were just words. Now we're no longer under them but because there's no CP risk he doesnt want to know.
I did ask about applying for a statement myself but was told it had to be done by school. If i had known i would have done this before.
Will get on to that one now.
I think i'm going to have to get onto the special schools too. We've got to look at secondary schools anyway because he's about to enter y6 so i'll look at all options
Thankyou

yes i think so too justaboutsmiley as he sounds like my DS and since getting the help he needs hes already after 4 weeks so different he came out of school this last week smiling laughing , now rows with his DB & DS on way home and when i ask whats his day been like what did he do today he says it was good or ok better than how he was before comming out screaming and shouting or crying and lasing out at us all and throwing things about at home, they do so much more physical stuff there too hes worn out when he comes home and sleeps improved a lot too, so im thinking for your own health and your sons (and your other DCs) sanity do as the others say get your statement started and go look around different schools inc SS see what they offer, i was surprised when i got there how relaxed and much calmer the pupils were than in MS

no rows i should have said oops sorry

oh, you absolutely can apply for a statement yourself, and in fact it is better if you do so (more rights of appeal, I believe)

once statementing is underway, you shoudl be sent a pack wiht a list of schools on it: mainstream, special (all types) and units. this should be a complete list for your aea, but it probably won't be (private/independent special schools tend to get missed )

whereabout in the country are you? people on here mght have a good idea as to which schools in your area might be good for you. the NAS also has a listing of schools on their website - in the Signposts section, I htink. again, not complete, but by cross-referencing al the different lists, you get a better picture.

if you are close to a county boundary, consider looking in the next county too - LA can and do fund out of area placements if there is no suitable alternative within county.

I'm in Brighton so i think there is quite an option here.
Its so good to know i can do so much more from here. I just wish i'd known sooner!
I'm starting to feel a bit better about it all again :)
I'm guessing from what i've read on the IPSEA website, i need to write to the LEA and request a statutory assesment, is that correct??
Sorry for asking, i just want to make sure

yes, that's right. IPSEA have a template letter I think.

I htink I kept mine short - a to-the-point "my dd needs assessing due to ASD" type letter, but I know others have listed needs and issues at this stage too.

highlight that his school is failing him, that he has been suspended, that no proper support is in place for him.

Thankyou so much :)
Right i better get ds2 off to nursery and when i get back that letter is my first priority.
I feel much better now.
Thankyou all

Hugs, northernmonkey.

I agree with others; you can apply for a statement yourself (we did with ds as the pre school service had said they were going to and never did...)

Do look at special schools too. DS goes to one and I know that they have had students there who go on to university so it isn't just for low acheivers.

Good advice so far. Sometimes the knack is to stop coping. If SS think you're coping (which you're not) they will put you to the bottom of the pile. If you get desperate, go to your local GP surgery and ask to see a doc and refuse to move from there until someone really helps. Sit down strike with placards if necessary. I also got a local friendly solicitor to write a letter saying that because there was real harm being done (this was with a violent relative), if they didn't act immediately they were going to be legally liable. Never seen a team act so fast in all my life.
Horrible to have to get desperate with people, because most of us are already knackered from everything else, but sometimes it works.

Totally agree with Amberlight. I did the 'I can cope, I'm fine' thing for years and ended up nearly havin a breakdown last year (DD was 13). Its humiliating and embarassing to beg for services, and cry and tell people I cant cope, but its often the best way to get help and support. Hope you get some. xx

Hi Northernmonkey, sorry that you are having such a hard time; adhd is a complex disorder which can have a devastating impact on families and the person(s) with adhd so you are more than justified in sticking up a thread when things are so distressing.

You have had lots of good advice about schools etc which is great and just wanted to wish you luck x

hunny - i am very near Brighton - fancy a coffee and chat? x

Well today started off pretty much the same as every onther day, with poor dd screaming that he's hurt her again :(
Hes much calmer now and is working his way through a maths workbook.
I've sorted the letter out and thats getting sent off this afternoon, and the next plan is me and dh have agreed to look around the special schools to see whats on offer.

look forward to meeting you northernmonkey