Need advice on my son's Support for Learning Assistant at nursery......

[caija]

Hi, well, my wee boy has just turned 4 and attends nursery five days a week for 2 and a half hours..., he has a rare genetic disorder n needs his SLA to do everything for him, he cannot walk, talk, hod things etc, anyway....he has had this SLA since September last year and she is absolutely fantastic with my wee boy, her attitude towards adults and myself included is awful, I never know what mood she is gonna be in, she is one of these ppl where you are unsure if she is joking or not??

Always making little digs etc, but in a way that if she was pulled up for it she would be able to get out of it iyswim...??

Last year she kept on at me about putting my son's special boots on...he was actually waiting on an appointment as he had outgrown hs boots, she actually said to me and I quote " You have to start putting his boots on him because what if he grows up with hs feet all twisted? Then that will be yr fault"!!!! I reported her for tht, she had a talking to and for a while she was ok.

She has a very stand offish nature and ths woman has two disabled kids of her own btw!!! Anyway, she has said other things since, always digs like "What's he had to eat?" I tell her and she says "Oh I dnt feel thts enough for him"!!!! After she had told me not to give him much before coming round to nursery as she wants him to b involved in snacktime with the other kids!

On hs birthday at the start of March, I overlooked a card she had given my son, it was in hs little nursery bag and I genuinely never saw it...so when my wee boy went to nursery next day, she pulled me up about it infront of staff and other parents coming to collect their kids! Her words were "Em...I put a card in there for Jack yesterday, I took the time to write tht myself!" so I said to her "Oh, did u?" "I never saw it" She kinda went "Pfft! Shows hw much interest u pay in Jack's bag from nursery, I'm not happy with u"!!!! I was sooo upset and after she left, I went to speak with the headteacher in tears, since then we had a meeting and I thought everything was sorted....however, last week she made a dig about Jack not having hs Jacket on despite a big fleece he had on.....n yesterday I took back a hat that Jack had came home wearing on Monday, tht was not his, so as I went to hand it to her yesterday she sed "Aw Jack's carer bought tht for him, she had to, cos u hadn't put a hat in for him" n then proceeded to shout over the group of children to jack's teacher "Isn't tht right Mrs. ........Jack's carer bought him ths yesterday cos there wasn't a hat in the bag"!!!! I was livid!!! My son was perfectly dressed for the weather on Monday, his carer takes him to nursery one day a week, and I knew for a fact tht hs carer would not have said this to the SLA, as she would have sed to me to put a wee hat in if she felt it was needed...I even went as far as to call Jack's carer and ask, she was appalled!!! She said she had bought Jack it because she liked it and it went with his little outfit....so now I am mad at the sla, she is making me soo depressed, even thinking about dropping and collecting my son from nursery makes my stomach churn, she is a very confrontational, aggressive spoken woman, I feel like she is watching my every bloody move and she makes me feel like I am a bad mother, when know for a fact I am a damn good mother....pls can someone give me some advice..............thanks loads xx

Bump :o

So sorry your having to put up with this crap. how do you know shes's good with your son if shes horrible to everyone else. i wouldnt take it, how dare she have you in tears. i would have a word with her and ask does she have a problem? point out that she says things in front of others and undermines you as a mum, tell her your not happy and if she has a problem then she has to speak to you in private. i'd also tell her that you spoke with carer and the reason she bought hat was not because he didnt have one. she sounds as though she just likes to act big in front of everyone. i wouldnt worry because im sure other mums are embarrassed that shes putting you down in front of them, i would be and i would take what she says with a pinch of salt. my ds will not wear a hat/hood or even shoes so id be furious if anyone working with him thought it was because i couldnt be bothered or didnt care. hope you get matter sorted soon. dont listen to her your doing fantastic job and she should know better having 2 disabled kids of her own. keep smiling cos she's so not worth it.

I'm sorry you're getting such a hard time from this woman. She has no right to make you feel like this.

I'm guessing that, as she's really good with him, you'd like her to carry on working with your son. You just need her to change her attitude towards you.

I think the only way the make this happen is to confront her yourself. She's been spoken to by her the head on her own so now perhaps it's time for you to be in the meeting too. She needs to hear from you how her comments affect you and she needs to hear the head backing you up at the same time.

She may well not realise how offensive she is being.

Once you've had the meeting and cleared the air you need to take a different approach and challenge her comments openly when she makes them. Say things like "I find that comment offensive" and "Please allow me to parent my child in the way I decide is appropriate". Once she realises that she can't speak to you in that way any more she'll probably change her approach.

Don't let this get to you too much. Try to tackle it head on and sort it once and for all. Life is hard enough parenting a child with SN without having to worry about dealing with people like her. You are a good mum and you need to tell her so yourself.

Aww thankyou ladies, I really am at my wits end n Shazian you are right, she can't be too great with my Jack if she is horrible and outspoken to me and others, she is a proper know all...well, thinks she is....Al1son, the meeting, I was there, n she was still very stand offish during it, she did apologise however eventually and said that she didn't realise she spoke to me in this way, n the head teacher(who is very nice btw) said tht yeh, she is outspoken and it is just "her way" n I stupidly found myself agreeing, I felt badgered into it really....then the SLA started crying..!!!! She is soo not that type, or I didn't think so anyway...but it has now got to the stage that I am thinking even the night before nursery next day "Omg, what kind of mood is she gonna b in today??" N I hate confrontation :(, n Al1son I would rather Jack had her as she is really good with him but I cannot cope with her attitude, it stinks....it is bloody hard enough bringing up our SN's kids without idiots like her(who is employed to help my son, not criticise me!!)

Ok - please don't be offended by me. I really don't give a stuff what someone working with my kid thinks of me or how I'm treated so long as my kid is treated well. The only caveat to that is I think it's critical mutual respect is demonstrated by both parties.

I think the two of you need to go and have a coffee together somewhere off site, so you can sit down and have a non-formal chat to find that common ground as it does sound as if she really gives a damn about your kid (it's scary the number of people working with little ones who don't). Thank her for the love and care she gives your child, explain that she's upset you without meaning to a few times and ask her what she thinks can be done to improve the relationship between you two. You may find she feels she's lacking training or the nursery is unsupportive of her efforts to help your child - ie the real issue is nothing to do with you personally at all! Formal meetings never clear personality clashes as their very nature puts everyone on the defensive, and lack of support for staff etc never gets aired.

If that doesn't work then sadly you need to find someone else for your own sanity, before it impacts on your child cos they pick up on when we are upset.

Bochead, I unfortunately do care how ppl treat me as well as my child, n I show her the utmost respect, she just hasn't a nice manner unfortunately and I cannot change the person she is, n yeh I totally believe she loves my wee Jack to bits n she definitely goes the extra mile with him, I couldn't b happier with how she works with Jack and he responds well to her now, he is used to her. I just dunno what to do, I wouldn't b able to discuss this with her over a coffee, I am not a confrotational person in any sense of the word, I just couldn't do it, n she is very defensive n self righteous....I am just not gonna put up with it, n thts that

Well.

The way I would read this, is she's one of those not-very-bright people who hasn't got the imagination to realise there's more than one right way of doing things. So at some point you've done or said something that she disagreed with, and because she doesn't know you very well and because she's too lazy to think it through, she's fallen into the easy assumption that you must be a bad parent who doesn't care about your child - because you don't do everything the same way she did. Some people are just like that. In the NT world they like to judge other mothers for giving their children crisps and letting them watch TV. It's a bit more serious in the SN world and a lot more serious if it's your LSA because poor communication with her will directly affect your child.

My gut feel is that if she did get to know you and started to understand the differences in your family and the reasons you do things the way you do, a lot of those assumptions would drop away and her behaviour would improve. So not through confrontation at all, but it would mean befriending her (you might ask her to go for coffee a few times to discuss things at nursery or advice on specific things you want to work on with your DS or what schools to look at or any number of things) and that takes time which you may not feel is worth it - I'm guessing the carer does dropoff because of work commitments? Or, you can put up with it and tell yourself she's just ignorant. Or, you can look at changing his support or moving nursery, which will be disruptive for him short term but maybe better long term. When does he go to school, and what sort of school will it be? Does it have a preschool/nursery attached?

I agree with r3dh3d (hope I got that right!) about her being a bit inflexible and not realising that there is more than one way of parenting. Perhaps she thinks that because she has sn children herself that "she knows best" - which of course she does for HER children but not for yours.

I guess the only options left are for you to confront her, see the head and threaten to make a formal complaint or to go straight ahead and make a formal complaint, which will have to be reported to Ofsted.

This is clearly having a big impact on your well-being and that will impact on your son too. You are so right that you shouldn't have to take this and you should be able to expect the senior staff to deal with it and monitor it effectively.

I think the best option would be for you to challenge her clearly and directly every time she says anything offensive, telling her why you consider her comment to be inappropriate. Obviously that is easier said than done and I know I'd struggle with it myself.

If you can't find a way to challenge her yourself I'd go and see the head again and make it clear that if things don't improve immediately you will be making an official complaint.

If you think you're likely to go down that road I would suggest that you start keeping some notes of what was said on what day and how it was dealt with each time.

Good luck. I hope you can find a way to resolve this quickly and without too much upset.