views please

[kookypooky]

I have posted about ds2 already but would like to know what people make of his behaviour bearing in mind that he has not been diagnosed with anything as yet.

trying to discipline him or talk sternly about what he has done or give him a consequence is a nightmare . he is 12 years old. for example :

ds2 has been asking for a facebook account , for various reasons i said not yet. on Thursday night i discover he has set one up and added friends of mine asking them to please not tell mum

so, i told him i was very annoyed , that it was really out of order and sneaky etc etc
i didnt shout or anything,( told him there would be a consequence but hadnt decided it yet ) but he immediately became REALLY irate.

he was so cheeky that the initial crime seemed to pale in comparison really.
he screamed on and on how i wreck his life , he hates me etc and then as it was bedtime he spent 3 hours banging and shouting from the bedroom. when i went up he would have his fists clenched and be extremely angry .

Next morning his mood was barely any better (not helped that he had pain in his jaw and we had to go to the doctors) but he was still going on, just wouldnt stop . The things he was saying to me i have never tolerated and i was aghast.

he refused to go into school and paced around the house , picking plant pots up etc, wanting to throw them but managing not to.

now, i was saying stuff back to him at times , it was nigh on impossible not to. he was saying he didnt care , i would say you should care etc

i did walk away at one point but was then worried about all the banging i could hear.
sometimes it changed to being upset , saying that he hates himself etc
eventually he calmed down.

tbh i am reluctant to dish out consquences for bad behaviour since he has got like this and i have never been a pushover but i cant hack the repercussions.

how does he behave at school?
is he angry with other people too?

He keeps falling out with people at school but im not sure why.

did you think he has adhd Kooky if you do think hes adhd or asd are you getting him refered to paed? the reason i ask is dependant upon if you do think somthings"going on" there then that would depend wether id punish exactly and how id handle him to begin with, for eg, my Ds has a dx of ASD and we suspect adhd too,when he does something i have told him he cant i simply take it away so in this instance id not let him go on internet for the rest of the day(only the day as he doesnt understand tomorrow next week ect) and close his account , but no shouting just tell him its for his own safety and you love him, and as my son would he will throw a tantrum banging crashing things and crying then saying bad things to me but SS tell us you must leave him as long as hes not hurting himself let it run its course as whatever at all you say to him it will only add to his heightened state, ignore ignore ignore if he says answer me im talking to you i still dont reply untill hes calm again, he has to learn to handle his feelings hes frustrated SS tell me we tell DC's they have done something wrong and why give them time out and ignore whatever bad there saying in the end they knacker themselves out and just go quiet /or carry on as if nothings happened my ds's school say then its NEVER refered to again this is so they can learn to self disipline iyswim, it also sounds like teen angst as well going on there bless him , hope hes ok now

Have you spoken to his teacher/tutor about his behaviour?
I am suggesting this because if his anger/frustration is only directed at you, then I'd say that it is more likely to be teenage angst rather than some condition.
Was this incident isolated or has there been other like that?

he had a bad time starting high school. Aspergers was mentioned. He moved schools because i thought he was being bullied and his emotional state was becoming worrying. asking me to kill him at one point.

he has been a bit better at the new school although he only seems to be friends with our neighbours boys who are year 10 and he says everyone else hates him

but tbh i just dont know. could be as could be just a little sod.

i walked into the front room on saturday night and he was lay right accross the sofa his brother on the chair , watching a film. he said sorry mum no room for you (because he didnt want to move)

i walked back out as i was already mightily peeved off and felt like giving up with selfish ds2
afterwards though he could see i wasnt pleased and he asked me if it was because he hadnt moved on the sofa. so, he does know doesnt he ?

I have been to the g.p and w went for an initial appointment at camhs. they referred us to asd team.
still waiting for the appmnt. when i read the letter though that they sent summarizing our appoinment it just sounds like theyve got it all wrong to me. ds2 had said he was fine since leaving the school etc

it still can be asd or as just because he was aware aboout the sofa thing dont forget its a spectrum they are all different, you will have plenty of time over comming months to explain traits/symptoms ect dont worry in mean time read up on as and asd as much as possible and try tony attwoods book the complete guide to aspergers syndrome , also what my ds would say about certain things at 6 has changed how he reacts by 10.9 as he is now because even though hes ASD he has matured , just at a different rate than his peers , and youve as yet without a DX also dont know whereabouts on the spectrum he might be i think a lot more of the HF DCsdo understand empathy more than the profeshionals give them credit for (unfortuantely my DS doesnt but hey ho) so maybe instead of angry (weve all been there believe me you'd have to be a saint to not get upset or angry sometimes) but try and think of that as hes aware which is a positive thing

While you are awaiting a dx I would assume he has ASD and start to parent him as such.

See various other threads we have had on ASD and consequences - but basically for a lot of kids they just don't work at all.

When you think about it from an uber logical point of view, why should he be punished for doing something wrong - in that, what are you hoping it will achieve?

Many kids with ASD just can't see the link at all. They've done wrong. They know they've done wrong. But they don't get why a consequence makes it right.....