New puppy plus DS2 with Asperger's - don't mix! Help!

[Solo2]

We got a much longed for golden retriever puppy yesterday - longed for by myself and DS1 (NT) but worried about by DS2 (with Asperger's traits). I had reassured DS2 for months. His worst fears were: it'll disrupy his routines; it'll take my time away from him; I'll love it more than him; I'll get stressed by the extra work and this will impact on the family.

He feels that all have come true whilst I feel I'm bending over backwards to ensure none are true and obviously reminding him again and again that a puppy is nothing like a child and DS2 (and DS!) is top priority and puppy not at all.

However, as a new dog owner, I am finding it extra 'busy' to look after the pup. DS1 has been brilliant and v helpful but has bonded much much more with the pup than DS2. DS2 is also v upset by this and I've had many 'adult' conversations with him about making allowances for DS2 and helping me to help DS2 see that DS1 and I love DS2 more than the pup and the pup loves DS2 equally as much as DS1.

I'm worried that what has been a life's dream for me is currently causing huge trauma to DS2. It's not that he doesn't like and get on well with dogs - he does. He prefers big adult ones however and has no 'paternal instincts' towards small children and animals. I have to - at the least, start toilet training the pup and I've tried to include DS2 in the fun side and help him play with the pup but he'd rather go back on his PC/ return to his routines.

It's like having a new baby in a way. Could anyone advise me what to do to help DS2? I wanted him to enjoy the pup as much as all of us but he isn't - although it is only Day 1 of course. He's v pessimistic about the whole thing.

I also feel slightly irritated that DS1 and my happiness and excitement at having a puppy is being diluted hugle yby having to care for DS2's needs. But the major concern for me of course is to help DS2 feel happy again.

If anyone's had a new baby or added a puppy to the home and has a child with Asperger's traits (he's just below the cut off - or was - but I think he probably does fit that diagnosis - albeit high functioning/ gifted end of spectrum)- can you share how you helped your child to accept the change please?

New puppy too. DS1 dx dyspraxia though, but aspirers was always queried.
3-4 weeks in now.
Different starting story though as DS1 desperately wanted a puppy. We were let down by RSPCA, who said we could have a puppy - went through all the procedures, checking, house visit etc. Were told to come in on the sat to choose. Phoned on the friday afternoon and told that because DS3 is 3 - would have to wait another 2 years. DS1 went into total meltdown, so we spent the whole weekend (literally) on the internet and telephone looking for an alternative.
So this puppy was desperately wanted, so i'm starting from a very different viewpoint.
Down side is he tries to take it over and of course knows everything there is to raising a dog
I obviously don't feed it, brush it, walk it, play with it enough and he could of course do so much better
Just thinking how much reading up your DS has done? Can he - depending on age - be the one to hold her at the vets for jabs, go to puppy training classes, be in charge of the dog - not necessarily the fun things but the routine things - water - feeding etc. Perhaps if he feels that he has control over the dog's routine, and fits it into his, he will see that rather than a threat, she /he is a new routine?

great minds auntevil i was going to say as much as he doesnt like the puppy ruining his routines what you need to do as i did when we got a puppy is get him to come out walking say every night after school and maybe training classes, my DS is the one whos job is to feed the dog he moaned went into meltdown sometimes at first but soon it became part of his routine now he still puts his own needs first as one would expect someone with asd to be like but he has bonded with the dog and whata better more calming effect it has on him hes not bothered when we are upset or hurt but if the dog crys he reacts lol the dog was brought for all of us but he says to his older siblings its HIS , it really was a gradual not overnight process though

all i can say is keep going it gets easier. DDs both have asd and we got a puppy last year. They love him but hate the changes toroutine he causes.
BUT I believe this is something they will have to learn in life, so have kept going and a year in, they are fine :)

Us too, we've got a labrador/pointer mix, after my DS nagged me and played the guilt card for years..
It nearly killed me to begin with!

DD (asd) was pretty pissed off for ages and the puppy was SUCH hard work.. I did puppy training with ds, which made sure he (ds) pulled his weight re training, excercising etc, and 18 months later its been so, so worth it! The dog is loved by all, and DD will often say 'come on Maximus, we're going into garden/living room' etc and he trots obediently after her! She hates to be on her own and he is a reassuring presence for her. Her echololalia has been a real asset, as (obviously!!) I'm the voice of authority, and she can perfectly mimic my voice!

Good luck! And hide your shoes/handbags/socks etc etc....and tuck away phone/internet wires..

Stick at it, dd1 took months to get used to the dog (we are now going through it again with a kitten), she now loves the dog (spent half an hour letting it lick her earlier), when we first got it she would cry if it went near her and ask us to shut it outside (poor dog).

We have a labradoddle doggy. We thought a bigger dog might be best bet with dd2 as we were worries a small fog might get picked up and dropped.
I will often find dd1 playing and talking to him.

Thanks you everybody. That really helps and feels reassuring. DS2 had another 'weepy' state in the car on the way to school this morning, despite me hugely playing down the whole puppy thing. When he's around it at all - which is for about 2 minutes a day, he does seem to find it sweet but he really wants nothing much to do with it at all.

He has his own cat - one of the two we have - and has this whole 'storyline' going about his cat and the chickens he hopes to get oneday too and so I've tried to incorporate the puppy in this story - where he projects all kinds of stuff onto the animals. He ignores his cat too except about once a day - and yet he loves it but the love doesn't translate at all into giving it any attention - although this is probably not unusual for many children.

I'm hoping that after a few weeks, he'll accept the puppy and the changes its brought and get involved in the training. His NT twin is very frustrated now about DS2 not liking the dog, as he loves it - although I notice that on Day 2 of having it, even he is losing some of the initial interest!

I don't mind having to do all the work around the animals/ puppy but I wish DS2 could at least be complimentary about the dog, rather than call it, "That stupid dog!" I'm trying to tell him things that the puppy might be thinking and feeling , in order to get him to see it as a real thing with a character.

Once he can order the dog around and get it to do what he says, then I suspect he'll be more interested. All it does at the moment is get into mischief in the garden, play and sleep and eat - and all the toilet stuff too of course - very boring for DS2 with his specific interests in unusual topics.

We got a pup two years ago. My DS was 4 then (he has ASD) he didn't ask for a dog but was fine with it. He rarely takes any notice of her. My MIL had terriers so he was used to them. We got a similar sized dog to hers (jack Russell)

I found it hard at first as pup was into everything. But it did 'cure' DS of leaving stuff on the floor.

Your DS will get used to it especially when the pup is more settled. I feel I give up a lot for my son and his condition but there's no way I'm giving up my dog.

Hi. I have 2ds on the spectrum, and NT dc also. We got a rescue dog about a month ago. I decided on a dog,(well, he is 11 months old),as I really didnt want to go through toilet training, chewing everything, charging about etc.
My ds,(AS), wanted a dog, my other ds,(HFA), wasnt so sure. However, now he is here, he is loved by all.
I think you have to be patient-very patient with your ds. It is a HUGE deal for dc on the spectrum to have their routine changed, and to cope with something new. Let him go at his own pace-it will take time, and you cannot force it. If he chooses for now, to have little to do with the puppy, so be it, as long as he does not hurt it. Ask him if he would like to feed the puppy,but if he doesnt, reassure him thats ok.
Dc on the spectrum, do not always show their affection-more their distress, but he may come to accept the puppy when he understands that it isnt a threat.
I understand your frustration, as it is something you have wanted for a long time, but remember, the puppy was something you wanted not your ds.
As for your NT ds not being so excited on day 2-this is normal dc behaviour. Im sure hes thrilled, but he still has school, friends and a brother with SN to contend with! Good Luck!