loving our DCs

[MADABOUTTHEBOY2000]

What do we teach our children? . . . We should say to each of them: Do you know what you are? You are a marvel. You are unique . . . You may become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven. You have the capacity for anything.
how beautiful and wonderous you are
and i always have to add NO IM NOT JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE IM YOUR MUM

The problem arises when you have rather cynical children who realise that "No, I'm not just saying that because I am your mum" does in fact draw attention to the fact that you are saying it because you are their mum

And though I agree that you should encourage them in all ways, it could actually be quite hurtful for a tone deaf child to be told they have the capacity to become a Beethoven. My physically disabled ds is not going to want to be told that he could be a professional footballer, because that only rubs it in that actually he can't. And to dd it would have been very painful to be told that she could be a ballet dancer if she wanted.

I think the praise that works best is concrete practical praise that focuses on what they do, what they try, not on a general idea that everybody should have exactly the same capacities.

I suppose I see a difference between loving our dcs- which I do unconditionally- and suggesting that because we love them they can never fail at anything. To me there is simply no connection between the two.

it was meant to be metaphorically speaking like clothes designer Tommy Hilfiger , jackie stewart racing driver, tom cruise and whoopie goldburg actors , winston churchill there are no limits only in the mind because there are disabled sportsmen even agatha christie had LD and look how kara tointon whos dyslexic manaaged so much better when she got help for her dyslexia in the recient documentary who would tell someone whos tomne deaf they could be a beathoven i think you took my post far far to literally missing the real point a bit it means no one NT or not without hard work and dedication will do well, no one advocates lying to them or giving false hope but we must never hold them back through fear either i in no way suggested they would/could never fail either sorry if somehow i offended you but i do believe anything and everything is still possible within certain limits of course like my DS will not be a vetenary surgeon no ,but he could as hes good at sciences work with animals (IF) thats his dream it is btw atm but thatis always subject to change depends which documentary were watching lol

I cuddle him and play the la siffre song "something inside so strong" - it helped me no end as a bairn with self-esteem and it seems to give him the courage to try. His self esteem was at ground zero after being called a baby, stupid, naughty etc by the teaching staff at his last school.

I don't tell hm he can be the next Edgar Rice Burroughs - I say it means everything to me when he tries to be the best HE can be. I also tell him everybody has something they are good at, and things they have to try REALLY hard at just to be OK. We are different and the world would be very boring if we were all the same.

My sis had a big panic a few weeks ago re cloth nappies and I told him "see she's gotta try really hard at that". He found it hysterically funny and it seems to have got a point across that you have to keep trying, even at cleaning up poo lol!

I tell him I love him no matter what but that I do not like his behavior or the choices he makes sometimes.

I've always been honest with both of mine.
That's why they trust me when things go wrong and life kicks them in the teeth.
I do tell them they are wonderful and unique and that I love them beyond reason and always will.
Neither of them will ever be an athelete, and I wouldn't pretend that they have that capacity.
But to know that they are always loved should be the right of all children.

that was my intention bochead and goblin its like the story of the teacher asking the class what do you want to be when you grow up they all say president , now all of them cant be president probably none will but nothing wrong with having dreams as long as there within your reach, my ds a while back was saying because his favorite author Ddav Pilkey has ADHD he too wanted to be a writer of childrens stories and who knows maybe he can , given the right help now doesnt mean he will be a shakespeare though , atm he wants to work with animals i expect he will want to be a professor like brian cox next as were watching The wonders of the universe , like all little boys he has dreams and who am i to say he CANT only that he might not what about this instead

I understand where the OP is coming from, but I would also lean more towards corys viewpoint. my dh is phyiscally disabled, he never could play football and all the wanting and aiming in the world could not make it so...

what i concentrate on for my ds is that he is loved unconditionally, (as I know you all do) that every small step he achieves is celebrated,(ditto the above) and that he is being 'stretched' / challenged within reasonable bounds.

he has no 'ends' or aims in sight, neither do I. (well if I am honest I would be happy if he could talk enough to be generally understood at least some of the time,that he could read and count enough to make and follow a shoping list for example, live independantly (with support) and maybe, possibly, have some sort of job.

some may think that makes me a bad mummy cos I don't think he will magically loose his learning disabilities and overcome his ASD.... I don't know, but I dont't think so.

I think a good mother looks at her child with clear sight and no preconceptions of what is and is not going to happen.
That way you are surprised and delighted, but rarely disappointed by your child. Sometimes you get frustrated, but you get your balance back more quickly if you are realistic about what you have.

thank you goblin what I was trying to say but said so much more succinctly! (sp?)

I've been saying it a long time, works for NT children as well.
Few things sadden me, but a parent pushing their child to be sporty or musical or something they just aren't comfortable with gets me down at parents' meetings. Vicarious living.
Not talking about your ideas at all, MADABOUTTHEBOY, I think telling a child they are beautiful and wonderous is vital. Along with hugs, or whatever form of affection your child copes with.

thats very true goblin and my main intention is always keep an open mind because you never know like a friend of mines dc who was told she would never walk and she does she wouldnt talk she does and wouldnt be able to go to school at all she is so if she says mum i want to be this or that as long as no physical reason she deffinately can TRY her best and maybe her mum will be pleasantly shocked and surprised as long as they try ill always be happy and proud, my original post was meant in a generalised way no one says a child in a wheelchair can be an athlete but they also wont be a dustman so who knows what they can achieve, but everyones disability is different so yes my sons autistic but he can be a footballer (he cant he has two left feet like his dad lol) just as im fat so i wont ever be doing swan lake either

I have always tried to find the thing they are good at and really praise that up. It's harder if you can't find much! My DS is really funny and has a great memory for whatever his latest obsession is, so I praise him for that. He's not great at school work and he's not exactly kind or cuddly or a good friend, but there's always something.

As far as what they might do when they grow up ...! I try not to look that far ahead. The next big thing is far enough ahead. That's just me tho'.

i dont either DS does though hes always worried about what will he do when he grows up will i live with you still i dont want you to die me neither lol well not yet but thats another worry what will happen when your gone his nanny died not that long ago and hes been obsessed somethings going to happen to me bless ,all the reasuring doesnt seem to help

MADABOUTTHEBOY, I totally get what you are saying (i think) my NT 11 yr old is convinced he is going to play for West Ham & England, I've yet to tell him he has no chance as he isn't any good... Shouldn't we all have dreams!
My DS2 who has ASD, CP & ld wants to be a soldier, so at 8 yrs old we let him believe he can be a soldier.
All children should eb able to dream & yes at their young age i do tell them they can be anything they want to be.
It's my job to cope with the relaity of ds2's limitations, he'll realise all too soon, so why shouldn't I allow him his dreams just as we allow his brother his dreams!

My dd1 has rock bottom self esteem but is actually a very talented footballer and has been offered a place on school of excellence when she's a year older however her esteem issues may hold her back her ADHD actually helps her as she has the energy to run for longer. Her school have a lot to answer for in making her feel so bad about herself. It breaks my heart that she feels so worthless at such at young age and no matter how much we tell her we love her and that shes great at things it doesn't sink in :( our dear kids have a lot to contend with

I think children should have dreams which adults shouldn't crush- but I also think there is a big difference between a child's dream and unrealistic expectations/untruthful statements from a parent.

If I told my dd that "yes, you do have the right voice to go on the musical stage" that would be a lie and she would know it. If I said "anyone can aspire to the musical stage, it doesn't matter what voice you have" then that would equally be a lie and she would know it. And she would lose trust in me.

My policy has been never to tell my children deliberate untruths because I think it is very important that they should know that "my mum doesn't lie". I also think it is quite important that they should know I've got my head screwed on right and am not living in cloud cuckoo land.

But of course that doesn't mean I have to go out of my way to tell them unpleasant truths either.

There is a middle way between rubbing dcs' noses in their deficiences and actually lying to them; I am going to stick to that middle way.

So if ds tells me he is going to be a footballer, I don't say "no you can't", because that would be unkind. But I equally don't say "yes, of course you can" because that would be a lie and sooner or later he would find me out and lose trust in me. I say "yes, I can understand how you'd want that, it does sound great fun" and then lead the conversation on to his favourite teams. Job done.

my Ds is in this position of very low self esteem he really hates himself well done to her on the footballand school of excelllence its a hard road getting your dc back from the depths of such terrible yes id even call it depression as my ds has been self harming and hes happy at home but so unhappy at school and being bullied long term has an awful effect on wellbeing i agree totally anonandlikeit , we pump him up to get him motivated if we didnt hed stay in bed and hide litterallu under his duvet but we dont go letting him believe he can be prime minister or rio ferdinand but we do encourage him to have belief in himself that anythings possible (to a degree) he CAN work with animals just not as a vet but other jobs are as important/helpfull like maybe a dog handler and at 10 im sure like you said he can have his dreams growing up comes eventually to us all, and maybe he can be a soldier the type of life often sits people with LD and asd adhd ect because everythings done to a time everythings laid out in advance the regime is perfect, my DH did his full time in the forces and he has AS he was never as happy as whilst he was doing his service he remembers his days on deployment and all the places he visited so fondly its a great life i mean you know your DS best depends how severe he is . if you take away all dreams you take away hope its ok while there little but as they become more aware of their traits ect he will know himself what he can and cant do my DS is already in that place he now needs bolstering up to get him to realise he can do more than school ect have led him to believe they have spent 8 years since pre school telling him hes useless and stupid now ive got the relentless job of telling making him believe no he deffinately is not

Yes, I totally get what you are saying MAD and I absolutely agree about not taking their dreams away.

I just don't think you can boast self esteem by telling actual untruths: when they find out, their self esteem will hit rock bottom, and they'll think they must be really hopeless if someone they trust has to lie to them.

My experience is that you don't boost someone's self esteem by exaggerating ("you can be Beethoven"); it just makes them wonder how awful their singing really is! Being told you are a genius when you suspect you are average can make you wonder if you are actually pretty crap- why else would she need to exaggerate to boost my confidence? That is how mine would react anyway. But perhaps I have abnormally suspicious children .

I also have to work hard on ds' self esteem, which is low, but I try to do it by not going on too much about the future, but concentrating on the here and now ("well done, darling, that is a really good effort").

Or if we do talk about the future, pointing out alternatives, like what you said in this paragraph "he CAN work with animals just not as a vet...maybe a dog handler"- that I think is fine.

isnt it such a shame that our kids feel so badly about themselves mostly due to the schools they attend!! My DDs footy coach has ADHD and he has been accepted for the marines :) Hes a bit flighty and is a busy boy to say the least but im sure it will serve him well. DD is also fascinated with soldiers - so she could be a soldier yes, a librarian no!!! I think its all in the wording especially with sensitive kids.

However, for a recent homework assignment DD wrote in perfectly neat handwriting with no spelling mistakes "I am going to be a robber when i grow up and break into peoples houses". In the parents comments box I wrote "Good effort and great spelling" Would love to have been fly on the wall to see teachers face

At least your ds is more ambitious than mine, Chundle: he wrote as his next year's target "I must stop yawning in class". Don't know if this target has been met yet.

To be fair, I am not convinced that ds' teacher is that boring: ds does have a bit of a chip on his shoulder atm. And yes, I did point out that this was not perhaps very fair on the teacher.

I am going to be a robber when i grow up and break into peoples houses" LOL. Absolutely brilliant.

LoL at the robber, but even more at the parental comment!

cory - 'i must stop yawning in class' thats funny!!! My dd's personal target was " I want to get better at fighting" i think teachers must love hearing/reading what our kids write and say as NT kids must seem a tad boring in comparison sometimes

ive never actually said that op in those words but yes i guess hes getting better having an ambition to do something anythings a miracle lol i know what you mean about funny things they say my husband was in the royal navy and has quite a few different disabilities how funny and interesting when he wrote what his dad does for a living (hes a ex sailor with rt leg missing) DS said he was a pirate

Whenever we have those conversations where self-esteem has gone through the floor, i do the - everyone has talents bit. I remind him what his talents are - and remind him what mum and dad's talents aren't (usually gets a laugh!).
My DS has visions of playing football. I always tell him about a friend of mine when i was younger. His friend played for his country at football. He still kept in touch with all his mates from his early football teams and often took them out and flashed the cash. Not one of his mates ever thought flash g**. The reason? When he was at school he had LD. From what i understand he couldn't read/write. As my friend said, if he hadn't of made it in football, what would he have done? That cash had to last him for the rest of his days!
I tell DS to keep working hard and it will become clear what his special talent is and what he will be best at. It's working so far!