Classmate birthday parties - what do you do?

[Triggles]

DS2 is 4yo and has received an invite to a birthday party. It's at a public location (local church hall), in the late afternoon (4-6pm).

I'm really struggling with this one. I'd love to let him go, but keep coming back to these things:

• he's impulsive ADHD/ASD and constantly runs off, which means I would have to literally be next to him the whole time due to the location and how open it is (with a few different exits)

• lots of kids and noise (obviously with a party LOL) and he doesn't always cope well with the noise (sensory processing problems)

• often doesn't understand instructions for games and such due to language and communication delays/problems

• picky eater so won't eat a lot of food (including any cake that has icing on it)

• goes to bed at 6:30 every night, so this will seriously mess up his evening schedule and most likely affect his sleep that night

Yep. Okay. Writing it all out like that, I'm really pressed to find a good reason to take him other than "first chance ever to socialise with classmates outside of school."

Perhaps better to have initial socialising with classmates on a smaller 1:1 scale with less chance of it all going pear-shaped?

sigh... I guess need to RSVP politely and decline carefully. Other parents have not been advised of the specifics of DS2's difficulties, although I would imagine they suspect something as he is the only child that gets walked out to his parents directly at school pick up. Someone commented once on the "lovely door-to-door service we get."

What do you do about birthday parties for classmates? This is the first one we've had to navigate.

I do not share all your difficulties, only some. My DS is undergoing assessment for ASD and LD at the moment. He doesn't always cope with the noise very well, depending on the venue, but sometimes we will take a ball and play on our own for a little while.

Food: my DS is really "difficult" (dietician's words not mine). He barely eats but likes to sit and take part anyway. he does have a drink. sometimes he or I get the odd sarcastic comment about what is on his plate i.e. nothing, possibly piece of cucumber or a breadstick, but these are generally from parents who do not know him. My DS is 5 now. He's in reception and the parents of other kids in our class know what to expect from him.

Games: My DS does not understand anything other than pass the parcel, all the others he sits out.

Maybe wait for a more secure venue if you're very worried about DS2 running off. I've been very open with the other parents about my DS issues. and this means they know how to handle him at events like this. i've found that most people are understanding and would like to help. so if I was you, I would have asked the parent responsible for the party whether anything can be put in place regarding exits. either that or wait for a party at a more secure venue where you'll be more content that DS2 won't come to harm.

I also wouldn't worry about how to get out of a party. giving good notice to a parent to say you can't go is actually a relief as it reduces numbers - lol.

My DS also guages all parties not on a scale of 1 to 10, but on a scale of rubbish to the best party ever depending on the party bag!

Good luck

I would either accept but explain you will only bring him for a short period eg half hour or decline but suggest a playdate. I'd make it clear you appreciated the offer. I'd be open about his difficulties unless you really don't want to - probably better than them all speculating.

Alternatively...I used to bite the bullet and go, taking extra adult if I could. Explain to the host that you might have to make a hasty exit if it gets all too much. He might surprise you and enjoy it.

I found it a lot easier at my DS's school once the ASD advisory teacher came in and did a autism awareness session with the rest of his class at the start of Y1. They went overnight from calling him naughty to being very tolerant and even some mothering went on. Parents became aware and were also generous in inviting him to parties etc. (always with me along as a minder). May work in your case or was I just lucky with DS's class?

DS got his first class invite at 4. He struggled with the whole thing from start to finish, and each subsequent birthday party, he got worse and worse, ending up in the "parents room" playing his DS and never venturing out to join in "the party". He turned 6 at Christmas and I had 4 of his friends come round after school for a quiet party. Afterwards, he told me, very emphatically, "I don't ever want a birthday party or to go to a birthday party again". (I can be thick skinned, but that was more than a hint )

Other parents can be very accepting, but you need to be open and honest with them. If you tell people what might happen, you may well get extra eyes looking out for you.

Or you can of course decline - but tell the parents of the child why. It doesn't have to be "careful" then. It can just be the polite truth

I'll toss it around mentally for a bit tonight. DH thinks we ought to pass it by this time, between the time involved (his most restless time of day as he is exhausted right before bed and he gets all out of sorts when his evening schedule is upset, even if it is for something nice), the concern over him running, and the possibility that if he does kick off it will put a damper on another child's birthday party. I suppose he has some good points there.

I'm tempted to simply pop in for 20-30 minutes, bring a gift, so he can say he "went" to the party, but then leave before he gets the chance to get overwhelmed. Still mulling.....

I get the late afternoon thing - it is late for a party for kids that age, even NT ones quite honestly.

When you are mulling things over, consider your great idea of popping in for half an hour to drop the present off - tell the mum you are doing this, why you are doing it, and if they have party bags could you have one early so DS can feel like he has done the whole party thing (or maybe it takes a while for the directness to kick in ).

Whatever you decide, it's the right decision as you seem to clearly understand your son and his needs .

my 4 year old has autism and loves an open door! he doesnt talk and wont eat party food and certainly doesnt understand games.

however when we eventually bit the bullet and took him to a party he really enjoyed it. however we do have to follow him about!

he enjoys picking up all the empty party poppers and carrying them about (in true autistic style!)

i can see the time is not great, but what about going for the 1st hour? that would prob be enough.

we are always prepared that we might just need to cut and run. you can just never be sure!

good luck.

I seem to have different problems with DD who has ADHD. She doesnt get invites to girls paries :( which upsets her as she feels that she isnt 'good enough' to go the nail parties and the sleep overs etc. BUT she does get invites to the boys rought and tumble soft play parties, football parties etc. My DD is nearly 7 and this has sort of worked itself out over time. Parties are such a difficult thing i think for kids with special needs as they either dont get invited, or get invited and struggle to go. Could you perhaps take him for a short time but take something he enjoys to calm him i.e. book, DS etc?

When ds was this age we tended to pick and choose the parties he attended. I never gave a reason that he couldn't attend, just apologised and said he couldn't make it. I always gave a little present and card though.

It was difficult, because he knew he'd been invited and wanted to go (mainly for the party bag ) but I knew he would end up distressed if we took him. If it was a late or weekday party I used to make sure I had an alternative treat for him, even if it was only his favourite tea, plus dessert and a packet of Gogos or something. If the time of the party was reasonable (say Saturday morning or afternoo) but the format was something I knew he couldn't cope with, I would arrange an alternative little trip out to somewhere I knew he loved instead.

He did go to quite a few and always spent the entire time on my knee clinging to me. His class seemed to have a penchant for huge discos in the village hall and not only could he not cope with the echoey noise, he was absolutely terrified of the videos on the huge screen the local djs always seemed to bring with them. The only thing he liked about parties were bubble machine and party bags really.

It got easier as he got older, as there were less whole class parties. He still goes to the parties of two children in his class (he's 8, nearly 9 now) but their parents are particularly sensitive to his needs and take them into consideration when planning the parties.

I totally understand the problem with timing, ds2's class seem to always book their parties last thing on a Sunday evening meaning he ends up with a late night and all the usual Sunday evening preparations for Monday morning get thrown out. We now have a deal with him that if a party is late on a Sunday, he can choose something he'd like to do earlier in the day rather than going to the party.

I would take him and see how it goes. If he's coping, stay, if not leave early. Prep the mum too, I'm sure she'll help organise "door watch" and will understand if your DS doesn't want to join in.

I have found that if there's balloons my DS is happy. He doesn't want to join in games and since he's happy playing nearby then so am I. DS would remove himself if the noise was too loud. If it's a problem, ask them to turn it down.

Feed him beforehand too so it won't matter if he hates the food and you can tip him into bed when you get home.

Yup.

You should go and stick with him. He may enjoy it. You may be pleasantly surprised.

It will give the other mums' some idea how your little one works too.

I wouldn't worry about the timing. You don't have to stay for the whole thing. If my DS stays for half an hour we consider it a success.

I don't do parties for him - he wouldn't like it. I do explain to the other parents we cannot do this very easily and provide some rather spectacular cupcakes for the whole class on his birthday.

Have a chat with host mum and assuming they are happy for you to stay and play it by ear why not do just that.

I hosted a 5th b-day party last weekend 4-6 in a hall with music games and classic party tea. we had one 4 yr old leave within 5 mins another after an hour because it was a bit much for them, several mums or dads stayed for various reasons. one lad just wanted to watch. 4 lads tended to pile into each other and had to be hauled apart on a regular basis. birthday child was bit tearfully after tea as they were tired. nearly all parents were back 15 mins before end to collect and make a prompt get away to bed
Just a normal 5th party.

Difficult to reciprocate parties anyway, as DS2's birthday is over summer holidays. I knew there was a reason I liked a summer baby!

I don't know the mum at all. And it says RSVP on it (I assume since it was handed out on Tuesday afternoon for a Saturday party that we have until Friday to RSVP), but no phone number or email, so again I assume we need to RSVP through the child. sigh...

I do wish there was some kind of idea what exactly they have planned and no way really to contact the mum anyway unless I stalk her either before or after school tomorrow. Hmmm.... can I do that? If there are balloons and even one pops, DS2 will go through the roof. If there is loud music, he'll refuse to even stay in the room.

My DD asked us to go swimming that afternoon, and I'm sorely tempted to do that instead. I'm not usually this wishywashy. I just dread the thought of it.

Don't let us bully you. Do what you think right. Just keep an open mind for future invites as getting the other parents on side will be useful.

EllenJane - oh don't worry, I don't feel bullied. LOL I'm just waffling back and forth and can't make a firm decision. I'll probably chicken out of going if I can't manage to speak to the boy's mum tomorrow.

I really struggle with this so feel your pain! dd2 has had loads of invites (ASD, non verbal) I am really pleased she has been invited, but like you don't want a disaster on my hands! Life is stressful enough. Thus far, I have accepted one, stayed for a short time, tried to help dd enjoy it and left before she was overwhelmed. The others I have declined politely as they were like yours in a church hall and I was worried she wouldn't cope with the organised games. I can obviously see the arguments for both yes and no. personally I have decided to make the decision on the basis of whether dd will enjoy it and whether I can cope with it! I think parties in soft play etc we might attempt, as there is less pressure. I do always make a point of saying how pleased I am that she was invited so that people don't take offence.

i used to go and then because of ds gets so over excited id get all these complaints ,this was before his dx , i was also trying to put my head in the sand as didnt want to face up to there being something wrong, does that sound awful id take him but explain n leave early if you have to but take nanny or auntie too as then not quite so stressful for you and you might get to go and chat a bit to the other mums then, if theres a bouncy castle or trampolene i wouldnt be able to go as DS wont ever get off once hes on those and gets far to hyper

my ds, just went to his first school party tonight. before the party i was debating if we should go or not as i had some of the same fears, i am very glad i did, he had a great time.

i made dad go with me so we could watch both the exits, i managed to head off any potential issues before they arose and we left early as soon as ds indicated.

ok he did decide he wanted to leave by just grabbing dads and walking out, but i can live with that.

Well, I tried to catch the mum today both before and afterschool and couldn't manage it. I was going to simply speak to her, find out what they were going to be doing, and mention that DS2 would probably only be there a short time. So we're obviously not going at this point, as I couldn't even get the RSVP to her anyway. Personally, I figure the mum can't be that fussed, as the boy passed out the invites at school on Tuesday for a party on Saturday, and the mum didn't put any phone number or email or way to contact her for the RSVP. So we're going to do something else tomorrow instead. Frustrating...as I would have liked to give him a chance to go, but at the same time, I don't like to bring him into a situation blind if I can help it. He does so much better if I can prepare him a little for it.

Hopefully if he gets another invitation, it will work out better next time.

Sorry Triggles. Better luck next time.

good decision given the circumstances. Fingers crossed you get a better chance to prep him for another party in nearish future.