Has anyone got a new partner after autism dx?

[nappyaddict]

DS was diagnosed in January 2010. Me and my DP got together in June 2010. Right from the beginning we had a lengthy discussion about DS' autism and DP accepted it and sort of understood what it meant.

Up until recently I have kept DP and DS quite seperate. We took him to the park twice in the summer, to an RAF museum in October half term, Christmas German market in December, to the cinema and pizza hut at the beginning of January. In January me and DP discussed moving in together so we have been trying to spend every Sunday together with DS.

We went to the fair, Thinktank Science museum and pizza express without too much trouble although he was a bit under the weather for pizza express so unusually quiet.

On Sunday we attempted a carvery which was a disaster. It was a true autism day, which we haven't had for a while. The last straw was when DS picked up my wine and poured it all over the table "because he didn't like the table" DP said in an exasperated tone what's the matter with him today. I replied "This is normal. You're just used to being with him in fun and exciting situations so he behaves better than usual"

I got upset cos although he had been a pain I am protective of him and I also didn't like to think DP was annoyed with him and also cos it made me worry about our future and if we are going to make it or if DS' autism is going to come between us.

So basically I think DP needs to understand more about autism so he can have more patience and understand why DS does the things he does and it's not because he is rude, spoilt and naughty. I have got a book from the NAS that I had from my Earlybird course and I am hoping to get him in on a parent workshop at DS' school.

Does anyone know of any books written specifically for step-parents in this situation? In the beginning step-parents obviously don't have a bond like the parents and aren't in tune with their needs etc. so I thought if I could find some sort of book written for a non-biological parent it would be better.

Bump. I involve my dp in everything, review meets, appts etc so he knows as much as me. But its hard work. Remember even parents have 'oh no not again' moments :)

I don't have this experience,but it sounds as though you have done all the right things-involving him slowly etc- He will see more of your ds's issues as he spends more time with you and I think helping him with books,workshops etc is the way to go- good luck and hope you get some good book suggestions

I think you've done the right thing, involving him at a gentle pace.

What about the NAS "Help!" courses. I did Help! 1 bit there's a second one too. You can find out from the website.

I'm astonished at how you ds manages to do all those things.... I think he sounds pretty good and know that my son (who's high functioning ASD) couldn't do that lot, even now at age 10!

My son was dx at age 4. My husband left 2 months later. That was 6 yrs ago and I then met and am now married to a man who has a good understanding of my son's difficulties but..... and it's a big but, my DH finds it hard to accept at times, that my son isn't just being wilful and naughty. My DH is a fantastic step parent (and my son still sees his dad, too) but it is hard.

I think it's a big ask, when you enter a new relationship with someone, to want them to take onboard neurotypical kids!!.....so, I'm glad to hear your DP is willing to learn about ASD and what it means for his and your future.

I don't know of any book specifically for steps again, you could check with the NAS. I find Tony Atwood really excellent but it's a common book you may already have.

There's also a book called "It So Much Work to be Your Friend" Helping the Child with Learning Disabilities Find Social Success by Richard Lavoie. I got this from Amazon I think and it's excellent for me as it depicts my son's "type" of autism so well.

Good luck to you.

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Luckily my DS is ok in crowded places and he likes music, lights and transport. He's OK in the cinema for about an hour but then he starts to get a bit restless so we go to special autistic screenings. He's not great in restaurants because he is noisy so we have got to know which ones are generally empty on a Sunday lunchtime! I think this is why DP got stressed at the carvery as well cos it was very busy and he was worried about us bothering the other customers.

Is Help! the same as earlybird? I did that in September through my LA and would have liked DP to come but we had only been together a few months so it was a bit soon to involve him in things like that.

hanaka88 How long had you been together when you started involving DP in meetings etc? Does your child's Dad go as well? Luckily?? DS' Dad has no involvment.

wendihouse What's the Tony Attwood book called?

Ear defenders, if you don't have any, get some. They will change your life

There's a few. I have "Autism - A Guide for Parents and Professionals". Also, just recently taken out the "Asperger's Syndrome" Tony Atwood from the library.

Good, both of them.

The Help! Programme was run by the National Autistic Society. Not sure if it's just a similar thing to the one you've done already but I felt it was useful. I also did a parenting course over 13 weeks but cannot remember it's title. I lived in Hereford at the time. Now Cheshire.

Do you have to pay for the Help! programme?

Help! and help! 2 was free like earlybird. It was aimed at parents of slightly older children than earlybird. I hope they still do it.

We hadn't been together long but I had known dp for years before we got together. No DS dad didn't come. He is part of DS life but seperate to mine

Your Dp sounds like he is doing all teh right things.

When you worry that he doesn't understand as well as you you have to remind yourself that you have had a lot longer to get used to all this. That you spend a lot of time with DS than DP has.

Imagine if your DS was to start at a new school. try and work out how many days your DP has spent with DS. do you think a new teacher would fully "get" your Ds in teh same amount of time?

There will be days like this with every child, not just those on the spectrum.

Give yourselves a break. Kids are hard work, and new relationships are always going to take some time to stumble along before you get things running smoothly.

You are doing it all teh right way, things will work themselves out soon enough

I do know that they (NAS) were still running them up to Dec 2010 as I had info about it, but it was a bit far away for me to attend the Help! 2.

Don't know what anyone else thinks but, where once I used to feel the need to scuttle away, head down, from any situation where ds had "disgraced" himself with so called naughty behaviour I started to develop a tactic of looking folks in the eye, and very politely saying "he's not naughty, he has autism". Then years later, I found that NAS did badges and cards to the same effect.

I just got sick to death of people tut tutting and disapproving of my parenting skills out in public.

How are things now?

Hi nappyaddict, my dd isn't autistic but when I met my DP over a year ago she had barely any speech. She also has a genetic condition which affects her medically and can be quite stressful at times, lots of hospital trips and worries. He has recently had genetic counselling with me about it.

Anyway we have moved in together recently and it is still hard for him at times, just before we moved in here DD had an assessment and we found out she isn't processing language properly and may never be able to fully, she is making progress but is on the 1st centile for language etc etc. So I went through it all with him, we may always have her at home that kind of thing. He has been great and even helps with speech therapy stuff but it really is hard at times, I am like you and very protective of her and I can get defensive about anything I think is criticism.

Did your DP have much experience of children at all before meeting you? Mine didn't which in a way is helpful as he didn't have ideas on what children should and shouldn't be doing but it also means he doesn't always realise what she is doing isnt one of her quirks but normal behaviour for her age.

DD has just got up and has come in pointing to the smiley she wants me to put one on

used2bthin No, he has no experience of children under the age of about 13.

Can I ask how long you had been together when you and DP moved in together. Did you get a new place or did he move in with you? How did DD take it and how did you prepare her for it? Did DP move in gradually or did you just go for it IYSWIM?

I got together with DP in 2009. DSS (8) is autistic and his issues were clear as soon as I met him.

We moved in together last summer, with my DD (9) as well. DP has joint custody of DSS so he lives with us for a week, then his mother for a week etc.

It's been hugely difficult trying to blend the two families and very very hard for me to deal with the autism. We're lucky in that we have an au pair that's good with DSS and that we've started an ABA programme that I hope will help us too.

However, I am very aware that life with DSS automatically brings about constraints - where we can go as a family, what activities we can do. Also, I am constrained in terms of re-locating for my work - I could, if I chose, work abroad (Australia for example) which I'd love. But DSS and his autism mean that relocation isn't an option (as does the fact we have joint custody too).

Something else that I'm very aware of is the risk factors, genetically, of having children with DP. I'm absolutely worried sick that any future children will be autistic.

DP and I are currently having relationship counselling to try and deal with these issues in a forum that allows us to communicate freely and for me to discuss my fears.

It's all very tricky....

See I am the one in our relationship who is concerned we will have another autistic child. He is more laid back and thinks it is unlikely because our child will have a different father so different genes etc.

Do you always go to relationship counselling together or sometimes seperately?

We go together. Part of the counselling is simply the everyday issues of bringing two families together under one roof, as well as issues relating to DP's crazy ex. But it does provide a neutral forum for discussing things.

DP doesn't worry about having another autistic child. DD is totally NT, social, chatty etc and DP thinks it's unlikely we'd have a child with ASD. I'm very wary though and have even been trying to suggest donor sperm/adoption as alternative routes to pursue, though I would love to have another pregnancy and further children of my own.

I'm not sure if it's easier for step-parents who don't have any children of their own, so therefore don't automatically compare the behaviour of a child with ASD to one who is NT.

Hi nappyaddict we were together just under a year when we moved in. I wasn't keen to move to his place as it was too big a change for dd and far away so we moved somewhere half way between our towns, its actually not REALLY half way as its far closer to my friends and family but the important thing was the fresh start and my place wouldn't have been big enough for us all.

I suppose it sort of was gradual in that he used to spend lots of time at mine before we moved in together and we stayed at his sometimes. But it has still taken some adjustment, I have tried to keep to the same things, my parents have DD when I am at work and so she still goes there a lot and her dad still comes to ours to have time with her once a week as well as taking her to his as well.

I really worried about whether DP would be thinking he wanted out when it became clear DDs learning difficulties would probably affect her long term but he has been very reassuring and tries to get me to be optimistic, if he worries about it he certainly doesnt let me know.

usedtobethin Have you bought somewhere or are you renting?

Before you moved in together how much time did DP and DD spend together?

DS only sees DP once a week for a few hours or occasionally for a whole day and I'm worried it's not enough to prepare either of them for when we take the leap and all move in together.

Because petrol got so expensive we tended to stay at each others, well usually him at ours for a whole weekend at a time so quite a lot and it all built up gradually, first we started with an hour before she went off with her dad. So both were used to each other being around by the time we moved in. I still worried over it all, as you do but so far its working out ok I think. We are renting for a year (at least) but saving to buy. I think renting was the best plan though initially for us but would be happy to commit to buying a house, marriage etc with him and tbh felt sure of that before we moved in, as I explained to him, the moving me and DD in to be with him was the biggest step I could take in terms of commitment.