Advice from school bods (Goblin?) needed pls

[mariamagdalena]

I'm struggling a bit. I'm not very good at talking to teachers who don't 'get it', and I freeze when trying to explain the extent of ds's difficulties when professionals just can't see what is so obvious to me. I still tend to feel afraid or angry when I see any teacher with a slightly disapproving facial expression... so all in all, working with the school is not coming easily to me.

DS is 7y, adhd, asd recently confirmed. Academically fine, socially coping (for now), communication v. ropy, imagination/ rigidity problematic but can disguise it in school. Home life extremely difficult due to anxiety and rebound symptoms from appearing to be ok in public. He's having various assessments currently, but SENCO and LA ed psych still say 'no need for a statement'. In fairness, the school senco was reasonably supportive when I suggested we should agree to disagree, and I'd defer putting in a parental request until she's had time to get the school's stuff together.

My questions are, how much might I reasonably expect the school to know or do without much prompting? How much can I tell a teacher what to do without it being counter-productive? And when (sometimes, and I'm sure it's accidental) a teacher starts to act as though they are talking to a child, what might work best to shift the conversation back to an adult-adult interaction?

Wow, that turned into a bit of an essay. I'm very grateful for any hints or tips. Or if I'm expecting too much, that would also be helpful to know.

You called?
How are you with making an important looking file and writing down what you want to say before hand?
Even if it is a list of bullet points, it takes away the need for spontaneous conversation and thinking on your feet.
You could file a copy of the school's SEN/Inclusion policy, and copies of any correspondence between the two of you.
Tell a teacher what is directly relevant to his situation in school, and what might be impacting on hos learning both short-term and long-term.
Teachers may look disapproving, for some it is unconscious, for others it's just a naturally sour disposition. Don't let it bother you, you are in a position of equality and an authority on your own child. If they start to talk down to you, I'd give them a 'look' as if to imply they are being insulting or dim. I also become excessively patient and adult, rather than snappy and defensive.
If you start to whitter (not that I'm saying you do) take a breath and speak more slowly. Pause if you need to, it gives the impression you are forming a powerful argument.
Is your DS on SA+? Or statemented?

I think you have to become the expert on your DS as far as the school is concerned. Let them know that you know him best and you the person who is best informed on how his DX affects him. Teachers only know the very basics of ADHD or ASD and not even that in most cases. You have to make them understand that you are working in partnership with them to provide the correct provision for your DS.

I'm a 1 to 1 TA working with a child with ASD (and have a DS with ASD) and that's how we work at our school. If they seem to be patronising you remind them that you are your child's best advocate (and the expert) and it should be an equal partnership. I'm sure most class teachers will be relieved to have someone who can explain how your DS ticks and to help them understand how best to manage his behaviour.

Good luck.

Blimey, that was quick. I do have a large file, and make notes of the important points before all meetings. Though I rarely get them all across, you're right, it does help. I might print out your post and hide it in the file as a crib sheet if that's ok

DS is on SA+ I think, cos they had the EP in last year for advice. His IEP is out of date though there are lots of ad hoc bits of additional help which are useful as far as they go.

I was thinking about waving policies but I'm quite scared of provoking a confrontation. Partly it's my child-like fear of school and partly because fighting is often unhelpful. I want my behaviour to say, 'We're all on the same team, this is what to do and I'm also open to better ideas'. I suspect that might bring better results than, 'You useless fools, you're breaching your own guidelines and woefully failing my child.'

The senco is quite kind, happy to tinker at the edges but erroneously thinks that provision is great, despite them being 10-15 years behind the 'less popular' schools in terms of true inclusion. So I suppose I'm trying too hard in each meeting as there's so much general stuff that needs to be achieved on top of the explicit outcomes I'm focussing on.

This is proving v helpful already!

You are right, much better to try and work as a team, although that can require some determined manipulation on your aprt.
I don't wave the policies, I just have sections highlighted. My son was a hitter and was threatened with exclusion, so I highlighted the bit in the law that said they needed to consider it as a last resourt and went to the meeting full of bright-eyed and helpful suggestions. It's like a game of tennis.
Other thing to get straight is prioritise what are the key things that need to happen this week, this term, for the future.
If they don't know, you will have to educate them.

IEPs should be reviewed and written termly.
How out of date, and why?

So would it be appropriate to try to 'become' their asd/sen/teaching styles resource in the guise of being an expert in my own child? I think I have almost all the information that the teacher or senco could ever want or need. I have some 'adult learning' education experience which translates well to SEN 1-1 or small group stuff, but really has nothing to do with the school system.

I don't know how to manage and teach a class of 30 kids, nor exactly how much challenge is ok for ds within the structured school environment. And so I wonder how directive I can be before I p* the teachers off and lose their co-operation. Where do you draw the line? And how do you spot the signs? Although I appreciate it's a bit different when you're in the same profession.

Sorry, they do IEPs 6 monthly and it's apparently been 8 months (unless done recenlty unknown to me). I've only ever seen the initial IEP though (been on SA/SA+ for 2 years) and it was truly hopeless so tbh I haven't pushed and have concentrated on raising asd/adhd awareness and encouraging the informal measures.

That's the tricky bit, teachers can be touchy.
What are your DS's main stressers or areas of need?
What adaptations and accommodations are you wanting them to make?
Yes, it's an excellent idea to become their expert on your son, and it would be logical for that to be appreciated, but sometimes the overload of everything that is demanded of a class teacher can mean that they don't appreciate the help as much as they should.
But if push comes to shove, grow a thick skin and don't worry about a few dented egos and ruffled feathers. Priorities again, and yours are to ensure that the school do the very best they can by him.
If they aren't, then you need to get proactive and bolshie on his behalf.
Who was it said 'talk soft and carry a big stick' ?

Yes, that's it really. The overload. On the surface he's a bit of a nuisance to his teacher but appears to be coping. Senco suggests I have regular meetings with class teacher and that she does loads of little extra / different things under the guise of whole-class inclusion and differentiation. With no extra resources, only a half-time TA, and the year 2 SATS coming up soon. In an academic high-achieving-ethos type school.

So to my mind, the classroom teacher is being asked to do an extra 0.25 post for my ds, unpaid, unappreciated, on top of her day job. And it's a really challenging class by this school's standards, with at least 2 others who would probably meet diagnostic criteria for ASD if they sat down in front of a multidisciplinary team for long enough.

Will polish my stick ready for parents evening.

Velvet bulldozer!

Do you not go through your DSs IEP at regular reviews? 6 monthly is the bare minimum, termly is better practice. Your DS should have SMART targets on his IEP, specific, measurable, achievable, realistic (or repeatable) and timely. Not great woolly broad statements, but something useful like being able to line up without pushing. Achieve it within 6 months and set a new target, chipping away at things. Behavioural and academic.

Ah, I like the velvet bulldozer. Think I will suggest termly IEPs and 'offer' to write them on teacher's behalf so I can save her some paperwork make them useful and SMART.

Thanks v much EllenJean and Goblin. Am off to bed now but will leave tea and biscuits out for any late lurkers with suggestions!

sorry EllenJane, my typing is shocking

Someone on here recommended the book 'Velvet Bulldozer' the other day on here. It's about how to survive the system with a SEN child. On Amazon I think.