carrotcake and others with a child with ASD and a couple of NT children - really need your advice

[MrsShrekTheThird]

sorry but I've got loads of questions
anyone who 'knows' me from SEN board etc, ta muchly, anyone who doesn't I'll do some brief background.
DS1 - 10yo, recently dx ASD, we've known/ thought since he was 3, but recently behaviour has deteriorated and inflexibility has increased. He's also severely dyslexic.
DS2 is 7, dd is 5, both top of their class, but atm know little about DS1's condition other than dyslexia.
Do they need to know? And what / how???
and how the heck to manage figuring out ds2 and dd when your PFB sort of sets up some of your expectations as a parent - don't know if I am explaining myself well at all, but somehow I'm finding it much harder to parent the NTs than DS1 atm.

DS2 was DXed when he was 2, and DS1 was 4 at the time. DS1 has always been a bright child, very inquisitive. I think he was 5ish when he realised DS2 cted differently and asked a lot of questions. One of them was "why does DS2 make strange noises and doesn't talk"

We told him that DS2 had something called Autism, and that he would have it all his life. It meant that his brain worked differently to ours and that he learnt differently to us as well. DS was fine with this, and sticks up for hi brother. He used to reassure other kids around them, whn DS2 was having a meltdown over something random, "It's ok, my brother is autismic"

He is 7, nearly 8 now, and still sticks up for his brother. He has also met a few other children with autism, some the same ag as himself and I think this has been good for him as he can see that autism affects other children, not just his brother.

DS3 is still only little, but if/when he starts asking questions, we will tell him the same.

There are some books that you can get as well that explains it to siblings.

good to hear about your ds2 sticking up for his brother :)

My DS1 doesn't have particularly obvious traits, and bimbles his way along in mainstream school, his quirks all come out at home. Some of his development has been fairly 'normal', but lots of things have been a bit delayed. His behaviour is pretty awful atm, only at home and ds2 is usually the poor thing on the receiving end of it when thinks kick off suddenly. It's what to tell him, I think, that's the real biggie atm.

thing*s

hi, i have 3 ds. 10 yo has severe autism, GDD, pica and low muscle tone. His older bro is 12 and younger bro is 8. ds was diagnosed age 4 so older bro was 6 at time, i explained as best i could that he has autism which means his brain works different, and its why he cant talk, and doesnt like playing with other children etc. the younger bro never knew any different cos was only 2 when diagnosed, so its always been part of his life. Think its important for siblings to know of disability because it lets them know why ds requires so much of my time, and behaves different to NT child. Also as they are so used to it, and so used to going to ds special school they see lots of kids with different disabilities they dont even think anything about it, and have a lot of time and are sympathetic to others. When we are out and another child is acting up, my NT ds will both say, mum thats a shame do you think that child has autism same as our brother. There will probably be information online in explaining and how to explain autism to siblings, good luck.

Evening :)

Okay it was a bit different for me as I have ds1 NT, ds2 Asd/dyslexic/sensory etc etc and Dd NT.

Anyway the only advice I can give really is that each of our children are different from one another, different strengths and weaknesses. So my life is a lot lot easier to just concentrate on the individual rather than the hoard :)
I litterally deal with what needs to be done with each child and don't compare... For instance DD is a bossy mare, but she is bossy in an NT little girl way, where as DS2 is bossy in a control way and DS1 in a big brother way. So they are all bossy, I need a house where this doesn't cause constant bickering.. So my outcome or goal is the same, but I tailor it for each child.

Did any of that make sense?
( so hard to explain lol)

All the dc's know about DS2 having ASD, I told them as soon as I knew and I repeat when needed. " can you please remember not to call ds2 stupid, you know he doesn't like x, he is trying very hard at this moment, you wouldn't want to be pulled up by him because you find Y hard and he doesn't ."

that type of thing.
But ... They also all know that ASD is not an excuse for him to behave badly or in a nasty way, ( melting down because he is in overload is okay, just not pure yuk behaviour).
They also know to help him in the sense that they may need to tell him
" ds2 that hurt my feelings.." " made me really happy, thank you".

DS2 in return is a great person to ask help with Ds1s gcse revision, anything to do with computers, facts or finding a logical solution.

So there is a great positive vibe in the house.. ( and there is the added bonus that it's ds2 who allows all of us little things like que jumping etc).

I think what I'm trying to say is let the other dc's know as much and in a
way they can understand. Find positives in all of them and get them to work as a team. ( there will be things :))

and just enjoy being a mum :)
ds1 and DD are just as different to each other as they are to ds2.

Oh and if they know a bit about dyslexia and different wiring, youcould use that as a starting point for different social communication wiring :)

I've found that it helps in explaining to your NT and SN child about everyone being different and having different talents. I know that i sometimes forget that my NT DS aren't 100% brilliant at everything just because they are NT. They too work out that there are some things that they are just not as good at - and it can cause lots of confidence issues too. So i explain that DS1 can't ride a bike like you can, but he can work out that computer game that you can't quite get - we're all good at different things.
Sometimes my DS (5) asks why his brother can't dress in the mornings, i just say that it's not one of his talents.
I have only just started telling my DS1, 8 (dx dyspraxia) information about dyspraxia - i didn't want to panic him. He read the symptom checker on the dyspraxia website and said 'that's sooo me isn't it'. He had googled it himself! He then went on to google dyspraxia and handwriting

:) @ googling himself aunt

you are much better at writing what I was trying to get at :)

ds1 is a scatterbrain ds2 is highly structured, ds2 organises ds1 quite a bit of the time and in return ds1 explains things like "teen lingo" to ds2 and keeps him with the fashion.
Dd helps both boys with spelling ( she happens to be super at spelling) and calming things down.. And both boys look out for her!

" if we were all good at the same things the world wouldn't work"
a little quote from DS2 for you

DS1 is 13 and NT if geeky, DS2 is 11 and has ASD and DS3 is 8 and 'quirky'. DS2 was diagnosed when he was 3 and he went to a special child development centre until he was 5. So DS1 can't really remember a time when DS2 wasn't DX. DS 1 also spent a lot of time at the welcoming CDC so saw lots of other children with all sorts of diff DX including Downs and CP which has made him very accepting of disability. I have had very little problems with DS1 until recently when teenage hormones have kicked in. DS2 will be going to DS1s secondary in Sept and I think DS1 is getting a bit worried how that will affect him. Teasing, bullying, damage to street cred etc. I've recently thought DS1 could do with knowing a bit more about autism so he understands why DS2 behaves as he does.

DS3 hasn't had the benefit of growing up among kids with disabilities. He was too young at the time. Unfortunately he won't have it that DS2 has SEN, he's just horrible as far as he is concerned. I've found it really hard to get through to him that DS2s behaviour and total egocentricity isn't his fault.

Sorry, no help really but I'll be interested what advice you get.

thank you all, some fab stuff here
and carrot - I knew you would have some answers you're a star, thank you!! Love the quote!
Yes they all know about DS1's dyslexia and 'brain wiring' and we always make it clear that we're all different and good at different stuff. DS1 is usually the one who reminds everyone about teamwork - because that way he knows he can basically get away with bossing everyone about and get somebody else to do the reading of instructions or whatever I'm sure they have it more sussed than I do

I tend to apply ds1's 'quirk' rules, stuff like only having certain stuff in your lunchbox, to the other two, and it's me that's being thick!! DS1 can't cope with anything messy, greasy or 'bitty'; I've recently realised that the other two absolutely love chicken legs, pot of coleslaw, bread sticks and bits of veg chopped up. That would be DS1's utter nightmare which he'd never eat. Only just realising the other two are entirely different and it's much harder than I could imagine.
They do need to know about why he does some stuff, but it's a bit tricky with him being the eldest, and not wanting to undermine his "Big Bro" status in any way. That's so important for his self esteem, I just need to make sure we get it right!

Ellen, thank you for posting. It's good to share it all :) We've got that stuff to come...

That's okay mrsshrek, I wonder if I'm just a hobby cow :o

IMO if you make sure lots of positive stuff is thrown in as well, it should all pan out. ( about all of them)

I just have the same old rules for everyone in the house.

treat others the way you want to be treated
no agression ( physical or verbal)
try your best
leave those calming down alone to do so
mum only cooks one meal, I do not cook things you don't like, so at least give it a go, it won't kill you :)

I have been known to pull the red card out for dd and ds1 as well as ds2 and I use the justice system for all.
Oh and there isn't an age to be able to do anything, you show me you are mature and sensible enough and you will be able to do things accordingly.
DH and I also use the traffic lights as well, which sounds mad but lead by example and all that and sometimes mum or dad need time out before we hit a red card too.

I think it just generally helps that everyone has the same rules.. And it's worked very well getting threw the teen years so far with ds1.

Barring that, lots of chances to build self esteem up and lots of rewards for good things.

I truely believe that our DCs ( all of them), will do what they can do on their own agenda and will keep us on our toes and be constantly suprised by them and their achievements.

( and I still say this after ds2 has been very very hard work for the past few weeks).

It's really difficult.

I had to learn to be a parent all over again with ds2, because he is such a different child. When ds1 was four, he still wore a wrist strap near roads - Ds2 can run as far as my voice will carry, he will not go in the road.

I have overparented Ds2, because it's either do that or let him feel neglected. It's been difficult for me to learn to give my attention in a way that isn't a safeguarding supervisory exercise.

Ds1 likes me to undress him, and always has. the battle is getting him to dress himself (he sometimes finds this hard) Ds2 likes to dress himself, and has self made 'rules' about what I am and am not allowed to help him with. he frequently walks to school with his shoes on the wrong feet because He Is Right.

Ds2 likes to sit at the table with me. And talk. This is ds1;s idea of hell on earth - sitting and conversing? no no no! It took me ages to realise that Ds2 notices and is hurt if I don't respond to his ideas and opinions (oh the guilt) but you see, I had got used to ds1's monologues, in which he is the only person talking and woe betide anyone who tries to change the subject, and as he simply repeated the same phrases and ideas over and over, there was no point zoning in.

It does make me sad when every little 'game' I play with ds2 has to be immediately shot down in flames, we can't just run with the idea

("No, Ds1, we know trolls aren't real, we're pretending. Because it's fun. Well your brother does think it's fun. No, I know you don't. No, we aren't going to stop doing it. Ds1, he already knows, gaaahhhhh ds2 tell Ds1 you know that trolls aren't real, thankyou, now, Ds1, we are going to go Bang Bang Bang over the bridge again, you don't have to but we are. Just don't listen if you don't like it. For God's sake child, he already knows ggaaaaaaahhhhhh Darling. he's not frightened of the troll that isn't even there, yes I know it's not there too. He's playing. He thinks it's fun. Right, I am not talking about this any more. The end. The END, I said. Let's go and see if the kiosk are selling ice cream yet.")

Coldtiz, I remember those days with Dd when they were all younger, I'm lucky in the fact that the space between my dc's meant that each had started nursey or school when the next was born, so each got individual mum time during the day ( I work from home around the DCs).

I think it does get easier as they get older, we have a routine in the house where they all get 1-1 time during the evening now. Because of ds2 this is really structured, so dd has an hour, then ds2, then ds1, the 2 who aren't on 1-1, each have their hour TV or screentime on xbox or computer.
They are just all really used to it, joint time is a bit less structured or the other 2 would go nuts :) and family time can be mayhem lol.

The thing that ds1 and dd have learnt to do, is to tell me when I'm over parenting which I really appreciate.

oh Coldtits, that's exactly it. DS2's trying to turn into a hard-as-nails rebel (or summink) to stop me 'fussing' He can fall over / off a speeding bike / out of a tree and not make a sound because he doesn't want fuss - presumably of the variety I'd have to give ds1 (ASD)