AIBU to expect more support socially for DS

[herdiegirl]

My DS1 who is 6 and has AS is struggling socially. I asked who he played with today and he said "no-one. I always play on my own, have lunch on my own. That's real life mum - got used to it" .
He attends ms school and has extra social skills classes, I think once a week, but this seems to have made no difference. He used to have a buddy (which varied) in reception, but not any more. I have brought similar things up before in parents evenings, they said they had a "bus stop" where if someone needed someone to play with - they wait there for someone to come along. Prob okay for NT kids to use, but feel my DS needs extra support. My heart breaks when he says he's alone and wish I could help.

Incidentally, I have a meeting tomorrow morning with the school's PSA and wondered if anyone had any suggestions to put forward to help him. Please.

The dinner ladies at my son's last school got an older child (K was 10) to be my DS's playground mentor. K is neurotypical but a bit shy, my DS almost too forward but ASD. It was fantasic for both mentor (10) and mentee (6).

K got a real & much needed boost to his confidence from having a younger lad look up to him and thrived on the responsibility, at the same time he was able to explain playground social rules to my lad in "kidspeak", (which lets be honest adults DON'T always understand the intracacies of).

If K saw a situation brewing he'd get an adult before it got out of hand. I can't praise enough the benefits of this informal scheme for BOTH boys.

The feelings of the mentor MUST be taken into account just as much as your little one at all times. In our case the adults were still very closely watching what was going on - just discreetly so the children weren't aware of it unless needed.

The success of an idea like this though totally depends on the personality match of the 2 children concerned. It's critical this is done right, also that the older child WANTS to help and doesn't do it just because they feel obliged to.

I've mentioned before those dinner ladies rock!

Thanks, that's really helpful. DS1 really misses his old buddy who is now in senior school. DS1 is also too forward and very huggy.

He's such a lovely kid. I asked him if he'd like to play with his classmates and he said yes, but they don't like me and say I can't join in.
The dinner ladies are quite good with him and I've heard he spends quite a bit of time with them - typically relating better with adults.

I must also point out that this sort of thing only works if the adults stay on top of things. I've heard of other schools where the younger kid with problems was "palmed off" onto the older child and that's just not fair. Kids aren't babysitters.

Talk to the lunch supervisors direct to make sure they are fully on board. If they are, and the choice of mentor is correct, then it should be a win:win for both children.

Sounds like you have been lucky to get a win:win situation for your DS and his mentor.
Have you found that this experience has helped him form better friendships with his peers? Only, what happens when the older child changes school. My DS mentioned today he misses P every day.

YANBU. Social skills groups are all very well, but the skills will only generalise into the playground with additional help. His school need to see this as an educational need and act on it, but you might need to prompt them! Agree with bochead that peer mentors can be great but are sometimes used as babysitters. Might the school be persuaded to try this? circle of friends

Thanks, just took a look at circle of friends. I will bring both strategies up at the meeting tomorrow.

Sometimes though, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make him popular!

My son is still seeing the friends he made out of school at the park, Church and all those places despite no longer attending the school.

Over time the dependence on the mentor should lesson as your child is able to enarge his own social circle. Or at least that's how we planned it, both mentor & mentee needed each other less as time went on. I think that's healthy for both kids involved to be fair.

It's opportunities to practice & learn social skills within safely defined boundaries based in the real world that really help our kids in the long run.

The help the dinner ladies sorted for us was never "formal", or Senco instigated, or defined etc. We sorted this because DS was offered no formal help & it was a problem. You do what you can with what you hav iykwim.

Well it sounds like you did an amazing job and your DS is v lucky to have you bochead.

I second what maria said about seeing if they can organise a circle of friends. The ASD inclusion team are just doing this for my ds. They are currently working 1-1 with him and will gradually bring more and more carefully selected children into the sessions.

He was much the same as your ds when he was younger and would often come home upset because he'd spent all his playtimes alone - again. I used to ask what he'd done at playtime and he'd look crestfallen and say "I sat on a bench on my own again." Our school also had the buddy/friend stop, but it hasn't worked for either ds1 (AS) or ds2 (NT) as they both said that no-one wants to stand there and look like billy no-mates.

It breaks your heart doesn't it - I can remember wanting to go and fetch him home at lunchtimes, just so he didn't have to go through it every day.

He is almost 9 now and has one really good friend, with whom he developed a friendship in year 2 via shared interests (chess and computer games ). Our current problem with him is over-reliance on this best friend to the extent that he won't line up or go into school in the morning unless this friend has arrived to go with him and he is at a loss to know what to do with himself on the two lunches a week that this boy has his music lesson and French club. (Ds did used to attend French club, but it cost a fortune and he learned virtually nothing over two years so I stopped him going - and now regret it. )

The other thing my ds has is a couple of 'named' dinnerladies who have been briefed about his problems and will help him if he gets, hurt or upset as well as trying to diffuse any situations where he might have misread things or over-reacted to a perceived threat or insult. (He has been bullied badly in the past and is now hypervigilant to potential bullying.)

He also sees the head dinner lady for five minutes at the end of every lunch to debrief how lunchtime has gone, so that he's let go of the stress or upset before he returns to class and also so she can inform his teacher of any possible problems/issues that might have arisen. All the dinner ladies that are involved have had basic awareness training and have been offered further training by the inclusion team.

Thanks for your replies. It's so nice to have feedback from mums who have been there and understand.

Just need to find another child with an obsession for robots esp Wall-e/ R2D2 .
Also sounds from many posts that the help our dinnerladies can offer should never be underestimated.