SLI and parties-is this the start of her losing confidence?

[used2bthin]

I took DD to a party today. She is four and has severe SLI so her understanding is quite badly affected when it comes to language and the speech she does have is very hard to understand unless hyou know her very well.

Anyway despite all this and a serious medical condition she has always been happy, friendly and extremely sociable. I notice more and more though that as she can't keep up with her peers they tend to back off and so she mainly plays with younger ones-which is ok for now as she is still at playgroup and developmentally she is 2 ish in most areas anyway (except large physical) it will be more of a problem at school though.

Today she cried a lot at the party and just seemed confused and frustrated and obviously couldn't understand the games even though I was trying to help with signing etc. She sobbed at the end on and off for half an hour and i WAS TRYING TO GET HER TO LEAVE EARLY BECAUSE OF it but she really wouldn't and I didn't want to make it worse iyswim.

I feel like she is becoming frustrated and scared at such a confusing world and it breaks my heart to think my happy, confident child will lose so much confidence especially when she starts school as there is no way she will manage.

my daughter is 5.5 and has SLI. She has been at school for 12 months now.

Parties have got easier in some ways (she can understand the games a little more and will often join in with them - but you can see she is tense. I am just SO proud of her when she DOES join in). She is also nervous though of things like having facepainted, hair braided, glitter tattoos etc as she doesnt really understand what is going to happen so is naturally v nervous.

She does also find socialising very tiring - when we have friends over for tea she is exhausted after a couple of hours and often cries and cries after they go - not because they have gone home but because it was such a strain - even though she enjoyed it. Perhaps this was the issue with your daughter too - that she was just exhausted from the efforts involved in socialising- but not necessarily "not enjoying" the party?

But compared to where she was a couple of years ago,things have improved and she gets very excited about parties and has definitely moved on in terms of what she enjoys and is able to join in with.

She is still sociable and loves having friends - but we are now facing problems with her lack of imagination. It is limiting her ability to join in at breaktime and I have the same fears as you - that she will withdraw and feel isolated and her confidence will disappear. So now THAT is the next hurdle to overcome...

I think all we can do as Mums is try and help them grow familiar with the social aspects of parties (the games, what is expected etc), hope that the more they go, the more they will feel comfortable and know how parties "work" and continue to help them with friendships by encouraging and having children over to play in one-to-one or smaller groups.

Hope this helps. I dont post here much but saw your post and could relate to it.

Hi usedtobethin. Sorry you had such a crap day. I'm sure it was all just overwhelming for your DD today. I used to dread parties where there were organised games. Play barn type parties that were unstructured used to be more successful when DS2 was young. Strangely enough as he got older and his understanding improved he preferred the structure and got bored in playbarns.

Where is your DD going to school? Mainstream? Is she on early years action plus? Will she be getting 1 to 1 support, does she have a statement? If so, circle of friends and other social skills sessions should be planned in. School won't expect her understanding to be up with the the other children and will help her get used to the routines. School routines are pretty predictable and should give your DD reassurance, once she's used to them.

Thanks to both of you. boygirlboy yes that really does help. I think you have a point she could have been exhausted and was obviously confused. She often just lies on the floor when in a social situation like a party as if overwhelmed and she did that today. Like your DD she struggles with imaginative play and mainly just repeats what she has seen me or whoever is playing with her, then she will stop and look at me to wait and see what we are doing next. She likes it just doesn't know what to do. Does your DD have problems understanding language too? Are you happy so far with mainstream provision? I am asking as am very nervous about it but we have no language units in our area. Sorry one more question who gave your dd the SLI diagnosis?

Ellenjane1 she is still at playgroup and is on early years action plus but I signed the stat assessment request form and posted it fri as the inclusion teacher and ed psych started it all off. I very much would like her to go to a language unit but short of moving, new jobs etc it may not be possible so have chosen to keep her at the school she is at playgroup at even though it is out of our catchment area. Funnily enough DD went to a soft play party last month and I think she was expecting the same. To make things worse she hates dressing up and it was fancy dress and I think I put too much pressure to wear the costume.

Difficult decision, which school? Generally easier to try MS first if in doubt as generally easier to transfer to SS or special unit if MS doesn't work out but unlikely to transfer from special to MS once settled. If you get good 1 to 1 provision and a TA that suits your DD and has the right experience the role models of the other children for speech and behaviour should be useful. Does your DD us Makaton? If so make sure 1 to 1 knows Makaton. May sound obvious but it should be written in to the statement should you get one.

My DS2 has ASD and has succeeded well in MS with a statement, with slightly above average IQ and suitable 1 to 1 with some adjustments made by the school so MS can work. Good luck.

Thank you yes the TA will be using makaton I hope but I worry about her communicating wiht the other children as they don't use it all the time there. DD is fairly good with makaton but seems to struggle to remember signs the same as she does with words. She will get 15 hours one to one I think fingers crossed and an outreach programme for her SALT who will come out once a week to work with her and advise the other staff.

Hard not knowing what or why this impairment is and what will happen and I felt helpless watching her today she just couldn't cope and I am used to seeing a relaxed confident child in group situations, guess its been a while since we've been in one. She also refused to sit down for the food bit both today and the last party and obsessed about an inflatable toy at both. Its exhausting and I have begun to worry that people judge me when I am with her and think a-her mother is overbearing and won't let her get on with it-that must be the cause of her disorder or b-that mother is chatting and doesnt notice her dd is causing havoc/looking lost. Probably paranoia of course!

That last bit wasn't directed at you Ellen jane just having a moan. I am glad your boy is doing well, sounds like a good school is helpful. It is hard I agree especially not knowing what exactly I am looking for IN A SCHOOL other than understanding.

Hi Used2b, sign here, my ds is mostly sign too, (altho speech is starting to come...) he will start school Sept this yr. i can relate to lots of what you are saying, I know we had a real struggle with the first school we looked at for ds, (one with an LD unit) where they did not take on board his need for Sign Lang, but local MS school have been brill. (I am teaching an SSE course for 8 members of staff, including the HT!) so lots of people can communicate with him.

It took some fighting to get what he needed stated in the statement.. .

But it was worth it, (at least that's how it looks so far.. there isn't a 'hopeful' emoticon)

Just rereading this morning in the light of day as am going to ring the inclusion teacher today, am wondering if she is like this at playgroup. Sorry about the random caps it was late!

Hi used2bthin

Your post reminded me of what ds2 (now 10) was and is like. He has severe speech and lang difficulties (dx hfa/adhd) and has always attended a s&L unit attached to mainstream.

It sounds like your dd was really struggling at the party, poss sensory overload, lots of people, noises, dressing up which she doesn't like.

It's hard coz I think your dd is at the age where it can be party after party, thankfully that has eased off with my other dc's now that they are a bit older. There would be few partys at ds2 school due to the location and kids are from all over it just isn't practical.

However,it sounds to me that this party just wasn't something that suits your dd, maybe something with less kids would appeal to her more.

Yes you could be right she definitely found it overwhelming. Sad though as she was such a sociable toddler.

Let us know how your SA progresses, usedtobethin.

sorry not to reply earlier - as I said - not on here often but I popped in to see how things were going. Glad to see a lot of other useful info on here for you.

Yes my daugher is in mainstream school as the local one with lang resource was full. We were pleased though as she is in same school as her brothers, a lovely school - and she is getting a "special Package" of speech therapy weekly with the best speech therapist in the world!! She has 1-1 full time in class with two different ladies.

Every week the SLT comes for the whole afternoon - she observes for some of the lesson and advises them on how to help her, then she has 1-1 time with DD and then I get 30 mins with the SLT to learn what I should be doing. Every week. How lucky are we!!

She does have problems understanding - not just understanding complex sentences/instructions but understanding concepts. She had to be taught "in, on, under" for example and it took ages. We also had to teach her things like what fishing is, what a bus stop is, what dreams are...all the things children normally just absorb.

We are very lucky that she has a great team of people supporting her - and we spend AGES every week helping with schoolwork too (e.g. we get the detailed plans for the following week and create visual aids for her for each topic. We then go through them with her so she is familiar with the concepts and vocabulary involved and knows what photos are there for her to use. The print outs then live in a "glossary" at school she can use when she needs to. It takes a lot of time to do this - but I would rather the school helpers were doing things with her - I can do the research and printing in the evenings. And it has REALLY helped a lot in her being able to join in with the others in class.)

Good luck with everything...

My ds was sociable at two, v v withdrawn at three, when the lang delay was obv, he got his confidence back by time he started reception. I think for a kid with receptive lang delay being in such an unusual, noisy situation can be stressful as i guess the usual visual and routine based cues wont be available, so dd wld not have known what to expect re food etc. I imagine if there are other parties at same place she might find it easier, as she will know the format.

sORRY i MUST HAVE SKIM READ THIS AS COMPLETELY MISSED signandsmiles post,hi there! Sorry for caps so tired had genetic appointment today for my DP to see if he is a carrier for DD's genetic condition. Then a bank appointment lovely day off!!!

I have sent off the stat assessment request so will be joining you signandsmile with the being hopeful!

helensmelons thanks yes I hope next time to prepare her more beforehand and actuallyu I think I probably scared her, it was her first invite through playgroup not one of my friends iyswim and I had told her it was a pirate party but she kept saying no pirates then it transpired she thought I had said parrots and she hates parrots! Must all be so confusing for them.

Boygirlboy your dd sounds like dd so much althoyghit is reassuring how well she is doing as I can't imagine dd doing a lot of that, just shows what difference the support makes and obviously everything you are doing at home too. I am about to start using pictures with DD so hopefully that will help som.

Totalchaos it is horrible isn't it, I have prided myself on how secure and confident dd is even with the amount of awful procedures she has endured and the communication and now I wonder if she has just been blissfully unaware.

usedtobethin - I cant believe what my daughter is doing now compared to a year ago. We met her LSA from nursery in half term who hasnt seen her in a year and she was stunned.

I think often they come on in fits and starts - and of course when they have little or no language, you really notice it when that increases at all.

The fact that your daughter is a happy and confident child is a HUGE asset - so I can understand how you dont want her to lose those qualities. I am sure most of my daughters progress has been down to those traits.

If it helps...I wrote a list of what my daughter can and cant do (pedal a bike, count to three, say "s"...). And I then update it every month so things move from the "cant" to "can" with a date beside them - and I identify new things she "cant" (use past tense, understand difference between "he" nd "she"...). It takes time (first list is hardest as is biggest) but is so great to look back on.

Sometimes you forget how far they have come or what they have achieved. Sometimes thats SO important when you go through a bleak period where progress is painfully slow...

That is agreat idea, I am guessing you don't use the developmental journal as your dd is over five now but I have found that quite good as ticking off boxes shows how far she3 is progressing, and she really is she is just way way behind her peers and even thier younger siblings now. But back to positives she is learning new phrases and words all the time now and today said at least three new things and you are right it really helps to stay focussed.

Any advice about language recognition? DD has been confusing the word beautiful with swimming pool so told someone she was beautiful on mon when she meant she was going to the swimming pool and when I told her she looked beautiful today she said yes my goggles! Meaning she thought we were off swimming! Its so hard to understand what is going on in her head and must be confusing for her.

That is fantastic about your DD, it really is lovely hearing of progress being made it gives me hope and even though I know you are still having to work hard with your Dd it is good to know the hard work is worthwhile.

I always found it best to try not to compare with other children. Too soul destroying if tempting. So long as she is making progress that's good.

Ds used to muddle up the words lamb and sad (there was a sad lam in the teletubbys!). I wld keep modelling the right word supported by pictures or sign for swimming pool, as thats the easier word of the pair, being a noun

Too true EllenJane it really is. Totalchaos aw that is exactly the kind of muddle dd gets, in fact you have just remeinded me that she used to called pigs "ot eel"s after my mum reassured her that a pig she was scared of on a trip out was "not real"

This may be complexity irrelevant as my dd has completely different problems but we've played party games at home til she got the idea. And it's amazing how many children like playing musical chairs etc with either no prizes or a cheerio if I'm feeling generous/organised :) it took a while to get it, but she's not as overwhelmed now as she at least has the concepts of the games and just has to deal with the new place and the noise.... But as I said she has no SLI anymore so it might be duff advice.

lola... that is a good plan, I am finding that preparing DD for things is very helpful. My DD would prob love that too I will try it, thank you.

Hope it helps.

It didn't work yesterday though.... place was familiar, games were familiar.... BUT Children were in fancy dress with their faces painted.

neither dd nor I could recognise any of her friends.(we are both visually impared) so she spent the whole 2h sat on my knee refusing to join in with anything. she ended up getting frustrated and hitting me. I couldn't even take her home as I'd gone with a neighbour as it was impossible to access by public transport or walking.

Next week is a bowling party. I've taken her bowling a couple of times in preparation.... crosses fingers

This is not may area od specialisd knowledge but these issues do relate to some of the issues which are more my own experiences.

My main interest is Auditory Processing Disorder (APD),
which in the UK is still on the cutting edge of research. There have been a few research paper that discuss APD issues which can contribute to SLI issues.

I have just recently published a new web site which lists most of my online PubMed research paper collections. On my Invisible Disabilities research paper collections web page I have included my SLI collection of research papers. (if you scroll down the list of research papers on the PubMed web site, try to find some of the Free PMC Article by Dorothy Bishop. You will be able to read and download the complete research papers.)

I hope this provides some technical information regarding SLI