ASD kid - I am struggling

[moid]

Hi DS1 (9) is being assessed for ASD. Of course when you look at criteria then I start to see bits of me:

• never really had best friend
• find most small talk immensely boring
• find groups of people difficult
• can't get the rhythm of conversation
• find the politics of work difficult
• easily bored
• increasingly isolate myself because life is easier
• very logical mind /big picture person
• didn't realise till I was in my 20's that how people treat you is affected by your own behaviour!

That is all fine and I don't mind too much - but what I am struggling is with dealing with DS1 and the people that I need to communicate with regarding his potential ASD. I need to speak to

• his school
• the parents of his friends
• the state / system
• my family

I am paranoid that I am getting everything wrong. This is prompted by a semi diastorous sleep over. I worry that I didn't brief DS1, didn't tell the lovely mum of his friend about his assessment and somehow that I have totally mucked things up and her son won't to be friends with DS1 mine.

Also now worried by DS2 (7) who I have never had any doubts about, but who is really struggling at his new school.

How do other people cope with these things - I feel like I am drowning

You can tell nearly evryone who needs to know via a letter.

The parents of his friends don't need to know unless it crops up naturally in conversation. The same goes for your family.

oh im so sorry to hear your finding everything such a struggle take heart your not alone, firstly your doing a grand job so far even if you dont think so esp if you have traits too all the more reason to be pleased with yourself so far, you say you find and are worried speaking to all the authorities ie school, la , profeshionsla difficult, my advice is contact parent partnership mines amazing if you need her to she will go to meetings and be yours and your dc's advocate they have all the right jargon and can makes calls and write letters for you , look on ipsea website too plus stay on MN as you will find a wealth of help and advice on here.
As for the parents and friends of yr DS1 if you feel the need to tell them ask the parent when they drop their child off to please come in youve somthing you'd like to chat about and greet them warmly keep it light hearted and you will prob be surprised they may be very lovely about it and have some words of wisdon you never know or might actually make you a good friend and shoulder to cry on , when my DS (NT) or DD(NT) have friends round who have not been b4 i usually quietly have a word letting them know about DS whos ASD as a bit of a fore warning and so far they all have been very sweet with DSeven when hes being extremely anoying bless em, DS doesnt have friends over atm as hes just started at a new school but id do the same not with the friends as a bit too young to uderstand but with the parents letting them know DS is ASD and some of what that entails.
Your other DS2 if you are at all worried have a chat with your gp explaining about your other DC's and yourself as its quite common to have more than one sibling with it and also a parent HTH and good luck keep posting

I am lucky - one of his friends has ASD and I have just told his lovely mum that we are being assessed and she has loads of great advice and the other friends mum is also lovely and I have just told her after awful sleep over.

I struggle in the playground and just feel that I am getting everything wrong and also feel guilty of not being able to sort this without talking to people. I am paranoid that the assessment will get out and there reaction will be - always a bad parent, no discipline etc..

Honestly I don't feel that they would want to be my friends, can't quite believe that they would want to spend time with me other than relating to DS1. I like them both, not stupid enough to think that they would become very close friends as I have been there before. But I suppose this and DS1 ASD just brings out how tough these things are for me and him. Most of the time I just keep things a little distant as its easier but this makes me a little sad.

That was very rambling - apologies.

Hi Moid. I find school playgrounds very difficult and intimidating and I'm supposed to be NT! They are not generally easy places as there always seems to be some bitchiness going on. But I found that once my DS 's DX was out there people were actually quite nice about it. At least to my face! It means that any behaviour issues have an excuse now. It's definitely not bad parenting.

You only have to tell those other parents who might have to spend time with your DS. Your family might find it hard to take in initially. Some people find that family members go into a bit of denial about it all. But you might find that your issues and your DSs now make sense to them. I hope that they will be supportive at least. Good luck with it.

like ellen and yourself im a very timid non self assured person years of put downs by a horrible father as a child and i completely know where your both comming from i always think no one could possibly like me , they must think im a bad parent (as have been told this by a few unfriendly parents b4) do you notice btw the parent who picks an argument with you over yr DC's behaviour is always one of those (my child can do no wrong types) he/shes an angel apparently, also its totally fine that you feel the need to talk to other people/parents about it thats natural we all probably have had to do that its a lot of worry and stress for one person to bare, and you sound like me , weve had a few very very close friends b4 and they have let you down terribly (me too ) sadly i do exactly the same friendly but keep a distance a invisible wall so as not to get so badly hurt again, BUT what i have done and been sucessful at least at that so far is to bring all 3 of my DC's up to not be shy and there not so in that i knpw ive been a good mum they are out going , intelligent (much more than me) and opinionated dont know whereeee they get that from im sure but its great to see they are not stuck in a shell like i am , and i dont like being this way either but im tol old to change now i think

Its weird but DS1 has chosen two friends whose mums I really like, must admit that this is the first time in 5 years of school. Now it is all a bit mixed up with his ASD and I don't know whether to push on with these friendships and how do I do that or just back off and see if DS1 maintains these friendships - PHEW, after 5 posts I think that is what really bothering me

push on dont be afraid or you and yr DS may miss out on something really special , yes you might get hurt but its all part of living having lost when a special friend for you or your ds does come along you will be a good friend to them knowing what you have learned from experience as long as you explain what its like how yr ds can be sometimes they too can have a chat with their dc's and hopefully it shouldnt make too much difference, it sounds so like me , that you dont think your worthy and /or your scared and want to end it now rather than be hurt later, tbh children NT or not all fight sometimes have an agreement that if they fall out you wont as some friendships with children can be on off on off sometimes, the friendships will happen naturally no need to push exactly play everything by ear why not take them all to the cinema one saturday with the other mum and suggest coffee or something afterwards either out or back at yours

They are quite glam and arty and have lots of friends. Moi, not at all glam or arty, though DH is very creative.

Anyway I will ask their kids over for a play - maybe leave it a few weeks and then ask them over for lunch.

I am not unconfident, will happily stand up in front of a 100 people and give a talk but my social confidence is really battered at the moment.

i guess its just best to go with your gut instinctsand im the same btw ive in my job held meetings talked alloud but im a different person when it comes to making friends with other women weirdly im better with men, actually i think thats because i seem to come accross very judgemental women and i attract bitchy ones too . i think this whole process of dealing with ht,teachers,ta's, the LA getting Dx ad statements all the profeshionals we have to meet sometimes its quite intimidating and makes you feel like a failure as a mum and my confidence is rock bottom but by telling you its ok your doing a good job in difficult circumstances im also telling me lol

Agree with bettyboop. I come across as quite confident and happy but it's a good front. But I'm ok now with the authorities. I don't need to be their friend and if I come over as pushy mum and PITA then I'm just doing the best for my child. It's harder for me when I do want to fit in. Like Betty I find men much more straightforward.

You'll get better at it and don't worry if you cry all over teachers etc. It's embarrassing but they do/should realise that it's a very emotional time.

'You'll get better at it and don't worry if you cry all over teachers etc. It's embarrassing but they do/should realise that it's a very emotional time.'

Seconded, some of us teachers have a child with ASD ourselves.
Takes a particularly thick parent to tell me his behaviour is because of poor discipline and bad parenting...some have tried it.

i get sick of the tuts and ahem's DS from last week started SS and its weird standing waiting with DS to go in, my DS stands nicely waiting (he didnt used to in MS) the other parents are all smiles and friendly it seems strange to me and no matter what their DC is doing they carry on talking and laughing ignoring the behaviours the other mums used to tut about i guess ill get used to the difference , it certainly makes you feel less stressed

Feeling less stressed - the other two mums on the sleep over have said that there kids are fine (if a little tired) so it is obviously just mine that gets very anxious. At least that is salvagable - phew.

This is such a voyage of discovery, feeling like I am slowly fumbling my way through. Have got an email of a highly recommended private ed pysch so are going to hopefully proceed with that.