Having a problem with labels

[embles76]

Hello! I am new here, I hope that you can help, give me some advice. I have just today had a very difficult discussion with my son's school teacher who is referring him to the SENCO (I think?) and a child psychologist. He is in reception and she thinks he is struggling to adapt socially in school. I have suspected this for a while, but, honestly, to have these fears confirmed is like being hit with a sledgehammer. From what she has said I think they are thinking asperger's (she didn't say that, of course, but I am pretty sure he is not autistic and aspergers seems to fit). What are endearing little quirks and eccentricities at home are quite major social issues at school in a class of 30 pupils, as I am learning. I hope that we can help him at home and at school by working together. He is very bright, but does have some problems integrating socially and understanding social boundaries. He is fine one on one but seems to shut down in big groups and under stress, he will fixate on certain things, objects etc. It is not an extreme case I don't think. At home he is much more relaxed and dare I say it 'normal' (if I could only understand what normal is for a 5 yr old boy!). He has some issues understanding and dealing with emotions in himself and others, and he gets very frustrated at times especially when things don't go according to his plan. I think partly the problem is he gets very over-stimulated at school. He has always been like this even as a baby he couldn't cope with too much stimulation he just goes into overdrive and then cannot concentrate on anything! Anyway, I am really worried about him being labelled as special needs. Is it a blessing or a curse? Obviously I appreciate he may need more help than most to adjust to school life, but I don't want him to be stuck with a SEN label for the rest of his daysl. Will it help him to be told he has a condition, or will it make him feel more excluded, more 'other'.... it's early days, and he still needs a diagnosis, but I'm pretty sure this is where things are headed. Can anyone give any advice, words of reassurance? I just want him to be happy and I'm devastated to think of him feeling lonely and isolated or worst of all unhappy. I broke down in tears on the teacher... I have started a new job this week too so it's not great timing and am feeling major guilt about all this and tbh a bit of a failure for not picking up on it sooner. Sorry for th long post!

Hi,

Please do not feel guilty about your son although that is so easy to write and so hard to do. It is not your fault that your son has such social/communication difficulties and it may come to pass that he receives a diagnosis related to being on the autistic spectrum. He is still your lovely little boy no matter what and you will love him just as much regardless. You as his Mum now need to step up and be the best advocate you can be for him because no-one else will do that for him.

I look at labels a bit differently to you, I see them as a signpost to getting more help for the child in question (hence the advocacy).

I am glad actually that school have realised that there are difficulties re your son at this early stage although you have always had your suspicions. Some schools never pick up on such things and I have seen too many children slip through the net.

Its very easy to go into denial though and hope against hope that things change and that may have been what has happened here with your good self. Again not your fault but you need to properly address what is going on now because any further denial now will not help you or your son in either the short or long term. Educate yourself as well, contact organisations like the National Autistic Society. Knowledge is power!.

What you say about home/school is something that has been seen on here many times before; many children with social/communication difficulties bottle up all their frustrations of the school day and then take it out on the nearest and dearest i.e the mum mainly when they are at home. Also home environment can be easier to manage as they know how things are, he can control his environment and you have adapted to what he likes/dislikes.

School cannot say though that his difficulties are due to one particular issue, I see they're implying Aspergers. They CANNOT diagnose and should not assume this but you yourself can get the ball rolling here by visiting your GP and asking for a referral to see a developmental paediatrician. That person unlike a SENCO or a child pysch can actually diagnose. The process of diagnosis can in itself be a long process as well.

You don't have a diagnosis as yet but I would suggest you make a personal application to the LEA asap to ask for a Statement of special needs for your son. That sounds like a step too far for you as yet and it probably is but obtaining a Statement for him will go some way to making his school life that bit easier because his needs will be properly documented and school will be fully aware. It, unlike other school plans, is legally binding and the amount of support offered will be greater with a statement than without one particularly if one to one is needed. IPSEA's website is very good re schooling and special needs www.ipsea.org.uk.

How are school in the meantime going to help your son within class?. You need to see the SENCO asap and find out what they are going to do to help your son.

You and he will be okay but educate yourself further now and keep posting!. This board is a valuable resource in its own right.

Good luck to you both.

sorry i just realised I posted this twice - not sure how that happened!