All DS2 needs is a best friend

[SuperHans]

DS1 is 20 now and "normal" and he always had loads of friends - to the point that I was limiting the amount he brought to the house.

DS2 is SN and is so desperate for a friend. He is such a lovely and kind boy but is at a mainstream stream and the other boys just can't be bothered with him.

I threw him a banging bday party and they turned up, half of them without cards or presents, and had a good time and they loved him for a week or two.

But they shut him out of "tig" which he is perfectly capable of and football, which he isn't great at. Which makes him so sad.

Despite having a normal kid I just think they are really mean. If I could buy DS2 a mate I would.

Oh, SuperHans, you're not alone. My DS2 who has ASD managed to find one friend in his class of football mad boys. This lad was sensitive, very clever, bookish and really kind. They were left together really, as the only 2 non-footballers, but had a nice friendship. He had a generous mum who had DS2 over for playdates and sleepovers.

Then 2 years ago, they moved. About 20 miles away.

Much better for their DS, he's in a bigger school with lots more like-minded friends next to a good countryside secondary. I can't blame his parents at all, but I cried and cried for weeks. DS2 is in a nice class, the other children are actually quite accepting of him, but he has no friends, no playdates, no parties anymore and is going to secondary in September.

Hi EllenJane - DS2 had an ASD friend in his class and they were like superglue and his mum and I were so relived. They were playing "monsters" and everything. Then DS2 deleted ASD friend's saves on a game and he just never forgave him - despite mine and ASDs friend's very best efforts.

I invite all the boys in DS2s class over, give them chips, pizza, am nice, never see them again. I am not averse to inviting kids again and again despite no return invite.

I don't know if people are rude or that their kids are just "sorted".

My son is in Year 6 and is going to a special, independent school in September and I am relived. Hopefully someone wants to be his friend then.

I can spell relieved really!

That does sound promising, SuperHans. My DS2 is quite autistic, but has a slightly above average IQ, so would never get into SS in our LA and as we have 3 DSs independant is out of our means. The Comp he's going to is quite large (nervous shiver) but at least there will be like minded children. The SEN dept seems very welcoming and friendly and is in a high profile position in the school, which gives me hope.

Shall we compare notes next Sept/Oct?

EJ - lots of ASDs have good IQs don't they?

My DS2's IQ is about 95 (average) - but then so is mine! I can't do those weird shapes despite being reasonably smart and well educated.

I can't afford for DS2 to go to independent school either - I fought the LEA with the help of a solicitor and won. I don't want him standing in the playground for the next 5 years alone.

So, I have come to the conclusion that I am into "exclusive education in an inclusive environment".

It is weird having an SN kid and a normal kid. I can't help myself from wondering "was it those couple of Silk Cuts, was it the 2 halves of lager?"

Have to say all my boys are quirky, at least. If it wasn't for DS2, though, I'd never had read up on ASD or recognised it so much in the other 2. They are NT enough not to need any help at all aprt from a supportive and understanding family (at least I hope we are) And what's APD again? Is it one of those other 'brain wired differently' disorders different to ASD?

APD = Auditory Processing Disorder - think Spanish kid sitting in a class of English kids. Will get it, but more slowly. I use hand signals, touch and making sure he's watching me.

Basically DS2 has learned English as painstakingly as we learn French, it is not instinctive.

That's an interesting one. I'm learning so much on here, I feel so at home and it's all thanks to Riven.

SuperHans, yup, as an adult on the autism spectrum I had to learn English as a second language. I 'speak' in pictures. But many years of practising means I can get into trouble in social conversations using a wide variety of accidential misphrasing of things!

We do make friends if we learn enough of the social skills to do so. Is there anywhere that does social skills training round you - the local autism charity is often a good source of info.

'Ordinary' people (wrong word, but here meaning people without an autism spectrum condition) use language to build bonds with others or inspire them to do things. Very often we use it just to communicate facts, with no clue whether the person is interested or not or what effect on them those facts might have.

For example, a lad says to his mate, "My Gran's just died". He might expect to get some sort of sympathy or acknowledgement and be cheered up a bit. We're very likely to 'download' onto them all the info we have on death and funerals and who has died that we know, leaving them thinking we're totally rude

We have to learn to listen and think about the bond-building stuff, and learn not to 'put our foot in it'. Takes time, because we can't see their reactions that well and don't have automated responses for displaying friendship signs.

my DS whos 10 ASD has two older sibs who have mates over every weekend and birthdays with mates ect ect and they get invited return visits we tried everything as a lot of people above hav said ive always made my house "open house" to all their friends as my parents wouldnt allow us to sleep over or have mates round or sleep over so i vowed when i have kids to be different and i have been but DS is devastated he has no friends people at school were some of them friendly but no one wanted to play with him at playtime because of turn taking and him being too loud ect ect he had one person who he thought was his friend but decided when he was being bullied to change and join inn with peer pressure so DS was devastated he now thinks no ones to be trusted and has been beaten up at school a couple of times not to mention the pushing and shoving and name calling so hes at an all time low he has just started SS on monday i dont want to get my hopes up but i really am pinning my hopes on him making at least one friend he can play with and invite to his birthday in a couple months time also i was gobsmacked last night when for the first time ever after his sister played with him for half hour he sat on the sofa cuddling her (a first) he only usually cuddles me she was amazed also hes already been acting different much calmer please god let it have been the right decission please , im just telling you this so as you know your ds is not alone its my DS's greatest wish to just have a friend

my dd is 17 with asd,asp,,apd and all she wants is a friend it's not been easy for her as she has just been diagnosed, she looked at herself as weird before she got diagnosed. we moved to staffs 2yrs ago and she's not been in a school to be able to make friends, we tried youth clubs but she says she don't fit in as the others ignore her as she struggles to start conversation. she tried it a few weeks ago for the last time because she was told by staff all young ppl struggle and they just get on with it and she was told she's a weirdo by staff this didn't help my daughter left the youth club thinking she will never have a friend and everybody hates her....she tried to self harm after this.

I feel for you DS1 went through junior school without a friend.

Now at primary in year 5 there a group of them with special needs, so he has at least two friends with ASD and there are various other kids on the autistic spectrum so he has several to choose from. Their conversation centres on computer games of various types. There parents are lovely, we are very lucky.

So maybe a change of scenery is what your son needs and the chance to meet some other like minded souls.

My DS needs friends too. Does anybody know if there is a particular online site they can use to make online friends?

Amber: Would online communication make it easier for my DS to build relationships? Am thinking particularly with other ASD children.

It's worked for me. From a life where I had only one friend in the world (hypersociable - didn't mind me being socially clueless) I now have a large number of friends that I have 'met' online and gone on to meet and enjoy in real life.

There was a very good article a while back saying that because most people expect 'socialising' to mean face to face, doing the things ordinary people do (pub, sports, shopping, whatever else), our way of socialising is seen as deficient and meaningless. Most of us are very happy having online friends or friends with highly specialised interests where we share a space with them and transfer information between us. For us, those are good friendships.

Worth asking the National Autistic Society for advice on online friendship groups, or have a look at the Ambitious About Autism charity whose website has some threads for younger people to meet each other. Best if they start with a monitored environment of that sort so they have a good chance of finding safe friendships rather than exploiters or bullies?

there is an online community for people with autism/asp called wrong planet its a chat and information website might be very good for discovering the reasons and letting teens upwards understand themselves its www.thewrongplanet.net
HTH

though wrongplanet can get very, er, lively at times and tends to be aimed at older teens/adults I find.

Have you spoken to the school about this? My DD's new school buddy her up and have "play with someone different days". The children are very accepting and very inclusive. They don't even treat her differently.

Alternatively, could you meet other parents of ASD children at a local support group and get the children together for a play. Playing with other children with similar issues to DD in the past has helped.

Dd1 (AS) does'nt have a close friend (she has lots of friends but no best friend and often plays on her own), i think the other children like her when she's playing the clown (she clowns around a lot) but when it comes to sport (picking teams) and playing in the playground then she gets left out. She's only 7 but already spends a lot of time on the internet talking to other children (on club penguin), we also met up with another mum and her son (who also has AS) last week and they got on really well (shame they are not at the same school).

I have a friend with a DS with a similar DX of ASD to my DS and the same age. They are not even on the same planet! That's the trouble with ASD, diametrically opposing symptoms still give the same DX. My friend's DS is hypersensitive to most things, while my son is hypo-sensitive IE, he likes loud noises, strong movements. They both have obsessions, but very different ones. Friend's DS loves cathedrals, and knew from an early age where every British one was. My son loves Final Fantasy, a role playing game, on the computer.

If I could find someone with the same obsession...

I Know! We need a 'match the obsession' website.

i was only suggesting it for superhans not knowing how old her DC is thats why i mentioned for teens upwards(not for any other parents of children with SEN) i wouldnt advocate anyone even NT under 16 to use it, for eg my DS whos 10 is more like 6 so absolutely no way id let him on ANY chat site but many NT children do go on at that age my other two NT DC are 14 and 15 so different kettle of fish , having said that for someone whos a teen and is ASD it could be the only lifeline they have

I know what you meen Ellen, i have 2 dd's on the spectrum (one hypo sensitive and one hypersensitive), luckily the little boy we met up with last week was very similar to dd1 and she prefers boys than girls. Dd1 has a few obsesions and most of the children at school get fed up with her going on and on about them .

lol @ ellen now thats a brilliant idea