DS has just slapped me across the face because he didn't want me to look at him

[AboardtheAxiom]

It didn't hurt apart from the intial shock but I feel hurt emotionally - figured this would be the place to post, he's usually flight rather than fight I'm shocked and concerned and sad.

(He's 6 and has ASD)

im so sorry it is upsetting my ds did this to me before the first time i really was in shock too he doesnt do it often but its very hurtful , you have to remember hes not really angry at you hes confused and upset and like you said its the fight or flight thing im still dealing with this myself in my case its his older sibling who suffers most from this hes very close to his brother and i guess they take it out sometimes on those who are closest, try and remember its deffinately not personal he loves you

DS did this to me some many times at that age. Once when he was 5 he beat me for an hour because I had taken a bite of his biscuit.

When he had tantrums he would lash out so much as he was non-verbal he used violence to communicate. It doe get better over time as you give them the tools to communicate.
Don't feel that he doesn't like you. when ds was bashing me he kept stopping to cuddle me. He had no real control over his emotions and he was upsetting himself by hitting me. we had to ride it out as he wouldn't let his auntie(his favourite other person) take him away to calm down.

Ds slapped me and said "don't look at me mummy" at the same time! He can talk (please note I say talk, not communicate). I pointed out to him he could have just used words, he said "but I did use words" yes I replied, whilst you slapped me!.

I'm guess I'm just worried this is the start of a slippery slope, that this is how he will try to get his message across from now on.

He punched me and his dad once each within the same week when he was about 3, but nothing since then.

He knows I was upset and sad that he slapped me, but that's all. He just pottered off to play with a wall-e toy. Sigh.

Thanks for your replies, it helps to know I'm not the only one in this situation.

My dd is 18 months and frequently hits us and her sister if we look at her for too long or look her in the eye I'm trying to get her used to it while she's young and while the slaps don't hurt too much!

Aboard, it doesn't have to become a long term thing. It might be something you intermittently struggle with for while, but the feeling of facing an inevitable decline is likely to be your shock rather than an accurate assessment of the likely future outcome.

Use the usual methods to write down what happened in minute detail. About a page of A4 to get every little fact down. (where were you, how was he feeling earlier, what was the trigger, what exactly happened, what outcomes did it have for him).

Tomorrow, with your dh or someone else helpful, sit down to decide on a simple strategy which you can write down and stick to. You'll feel more in control and that will help you to shape the hitting into something else more acceptable.

HTH

I realise this isn't a popular view in this day and age, and I expect I will be flamed, but I think a 6 year old who slaps mum round the face (autistic or not) needs to be punished immediately, so they know not to do it again (to mum, or anyone else). I would never ever hit a child, but I do think the punishment needs to be a) instant and b) something that the kid really really doesn't like, so that they make the link. If you don't show zero tolerance for aggression when they are 6, you are in trouble when they are 15. My autistic boy was aggressive at 3, we used to wash his hair to punish him. That won't work for everyone, you need to find what works for you. The trouble is that the "establishment" will just give you things like naughty step or time out, which are uniquely unsuitable for autistic kids as they WANT time out on their own! I think all children should be taught that there's zero tolerance on violence, and if they are significantly non-verbal, as my boy was at that time, you are limited in what you can do as you can't talk to them. Therefore negotiation, as I would use with my NF child , is a non-starter ("if you do that, you will lose computer time/TV time/playdates etc). So you have to SHOW, not tell. Sorry if this is unpopular view, am really trying to help as I know how awful this stage feels. If my boy were still hitting and headbutting today, I would be getting seriously injured, plus he would be excluded from great parts of normal life (school, cinema, cafe, playpark, soft play area). I wish you luck, I know how horrible it is.

My 6 yr old used to hate having his hair washed, he now tolerates it, I think if I were using it as a punishment it would still be a traumatic thing that he hated rather than a not nice, but necessary part of life that he has gradually accepted and become used to. He also now understands the benefits of clean hair. Sigh. Don't know what else to say on that one.

My DS has a fairly good vocab range and I made it clear it was not acceptable to hit anyone and that if he hit me or anyone else again he would have the consequence of no TV time for a week - he was horrified at the idea so hopefully that will work. At least I know he understood what I said to him. I think I was so upset that he had no care for my feelings about being slapped if that makes sense.

He was sat calmly watching tv, I was sat beside him drinking a cup of tea, we were both quiet and chilled he just did it all of a sudden when I turned to look at him (I wasn't even looking him in the eye IYSWIM, just looking at the side of his face).

I'm really interested in ideas that come up in reply to you aboardtheaxiom. My DS is 5 and can be agressive towards me, hitting mainly when he is frustrated or I say something that isn't the answer he wants. It is so hard to know what to do.

At the moment, threatening him with taking a DVD off him seems to sink in and make him think twice about doing it again but I'm not sure how long that will last.

Do you have anything instant you can take away if he does it again (a toy, DVD, game etc?)