Families - how do you deal with their doubts?

[TheLadyEvenstar]

thats just it really how do you deal with their doubts?

My mum has told DS1
"I don't believe there is anything wrong with you I think you did a good job at convincing the drs"

Surely he is not that capable that he could manipulate them?

or is it a case that she doesn't want to believe it?

Your mum sounds like hard work.

I would be really angry if my mum accused me of lying to the doctors for some unspecified nefarious reason.

However my mum also took for ever to accept that ds has asd because he doesn't present like the asd children she came across as a support teacher. He also has other delays and because at home he copes better with interaction she thought that it was mild learning difficulties plus being a quirky child.

What helped was giving her books about the subject.

Good luck - sounds like you're going to need it!

My mother stated her doubts often and openly. He was NT because he 'didn't walk around the edges of rooms'.

She was a special needs teacher!

She finally accepted it a year ago. DS is 6. We visited yesterday and DS was very difficult. She believes us now!

If it helps my mum & dad are still in denial 10 months on - which considering dd has down's it is pretty hard to ignore as it's fairly obvious when you look at her

Initially my mum blamed me for dd dx because of my age, despite it taking years to conceive and for not "warning her about it when I was pregnant"; but then in fairness to my mum, tact has never been her strength

10 months on and my mum still refuses to use the word 'Down's' or talk about it to the point that she will walk out of the room / change the conversation if anyone else does. My dad is more accepting of dd DS, but his way of coping is to keep on telling me that "you're not going to have any problems with dd when she's older".

At first it used to really upset me that they couldn't discuss it, but now I've come to the conclusion that if that's what they need to tell themselves to cope then fine. Apart from the blatant denial, they love dd the same as all their other grand children which is the most important thing.

The thing is to my face she believes me but when she has DS on her own because he behaves differently for her i.e he is a "good boy" and she "doesn't know she has him", it is obviously because I favour and spend so much time with DS2 and the 9yrs before I had him was because he was spoilt.

My sisters response is
"There is nothing wrong with him, my ds2 behaves exactly the same they are just bloody naughty"

TLES - if your ds was that manipulative that he could convince the dr - well, then there, surely is the indicator that eh needs some help? (am not saying he is that manipulative, but I hope yswim?)

it is a well known fact that children (all children, but spectrum children as well) behave differently in different situations.

my dd1 is an angel at school (most of the time).

she (can be) is a pestering, persistent, insistent little bugger at home

dd2 also an angel at school. a strident little madam at home

denial is not helpful. how old is your sister's ds2? your ds1 is 11ish, isn't he? naughty doesn't really cut it at that age, does it? more reserved for younger children.

Your mum is in denial - all gp's want 'perfect' grandchildren so she just doesn't want to believe what you say. We have in-laws stating that ds 'will grow into himself'and 'there's nothing wrong with him'. When told about his statement- 'that's a lot of support - why does he need all that? You don't want him labelled'.
You just either have to persevere with it or do as I do and just carry on doing the best for ds and ignoring the comments of those who are ignorant of SN. It's hard though.

In my experience some grand parents will never accept. My M.I.L refuses to accept that DD is epileptic ( she's doing Ok at the minute but for the best part of 5 years was having up to 30 seizures per day - absence and tonic/clinic) but not typical grand mal. She is also very dyspraxic, slightly autistic and has learning difficulties but my M.I. L says how bright she is?!

DD was told off when visiting my parents yesterday. She'd wanted to draw so had disappeared upstairs to try and find pens/papers and was going through drawers. They just didn't get that despite me telling her that it wasn't appropriate to do this, she didn't understand.

Try giving them reading material - they may understand. I think sometimes it's because they don't want to believe. It is hard because you expect family to give you support and understand. Good luck.

DS1 is 12, he'll be 13 in July.
DN2 is 7

sorry its just a quicky as have friends coming up at 8 and I am not dressed yet arghhhhhhhhhhhh

We also have the refusal to believe that DS has epilepsy. It is well controlled (thankfully) so mil has never seen him have a seizure, therefore he doesn't have them.

She doesn't do his tube feeds, nor see us do them these days (he has fewer as he dopes eat) so he is not tube fed.......

Same problem here - My mum keeps telling me ds will "grow out" of his epilepsy and that despite having a severe SLI he will suddenly take off one day talking nineteen to the dozen - I wish! Still thats better that MIL who has told me to my face that I am the reason ds doesn't talk and has fits and she tells everyone she comes across too. First time she informed me of this was when I had just got back from hospital after ds had been blues and twos with his first grand mal. Apparently I make life "too busy" and thats the problem. Hang in there x

Wow! Just realised what a gem my Mum is!

Totally supportive, to the point of coming to school/medical appointments with me when I want a witness/moral support. She lets me do all the talking, until his old head got patronising to the point of being insulting.

Will read thru my bullet pounts before meetings, and add her own, always constructive ideas. Tells me straight when I'm being a muppet - sadly it's usually justified as I think I was a doormat in a previous life when it comes to dealing with authority.

Was actually the one who pointed out to me there was an issue when his first school were just questioning his parenting, & therefore making me doubt myself. She backed me when I applied for a statement when his second school said he didn't need one. (Her view was that the senco was bone idle and didn't want the paperwork).

She even took him for an afternoon on Monday when told her I was so upset re the school situation, it was impacting how I was treating him. I got a few hours break and went back into the fray refreshed, all I needed was 3 hours by myself to think about things.

The only thing you can't do with her is talk about the primary education sen system - she was a secondary sen teacher who spent too many years mopping up what she considers to be the mistakes made by those professionals involved in primary education. This normally placid sweet lil ol lady turns into a monster!!!! She says all her worst suspicions have been proved correct with her Grandson re sen primary support & provision.

Now he's not in school she's gonna help me with his tutoring to get him to catch up. While she accepts he'll never be "normal" she's firmly of the opinion that he can achieve a damn sight more that has been expected of him so far by the education pros. "you don't know till you try" must be her mantra.

My sister's can't do much in a practical sense, but knowing someones got your back on the moral support front means more than they realise. They also make an effort to cheer ds up when he's struggling and are great at following my guidelines on how to handle him.

His dad hasn't been there from day one so no support expected.

It's the neighbours etc I find hard to deal with.

I just wish I could help her see what it is I am dealing with.

I wouldn't have such an issue with her disbelieving me if she wasn't an sen assistant in a school.

Aww I feel for you! My parents and step parents are great. My dads a bit rubbish at knowing how to deal with him and tried making him colour in neatly when he has only just learnt how to use a pen but I just laugh that stuff off.

My mums family however are awful to the point I have poi t blank cut them off. apparently ds isn't sn I'm just a rubbish mum coz I don't scream at him and smack him round his head like they do to their kids. Nm I have 45 reception kids to teach at work and they behave for me with NO shouting lol. When an uncle said to me his daughter was naughty too I said oh right did she loose all her skills and stop talking and become incontinent too? He walked off.

I just think family or not, if people don't care they are not worth caring about.

(especially if they are bladdered while 'looking after' their child and lettng him push ds over when he has a broken foot then blaming my ds saying 'we all know he is horrible'

urr go away you horrible unintelligent drunkard lol

My mum's first reaction was to question whether it was my fault as I had DS2 when I was 39yrs. But since then she has at least been more understanding about it. She lives abroad so never sees him anyway, so it's not like she sees his behaviour.

MIL, I think, is in a bit of denial, but it's not actively. I think it's more "wishful thinking" on her part - with occasional hesitant comments like "he'll grow out of it, won't he?" or "when he gets older and can cope it'll be easier for him." She's very supportive and never says anything bad, I just think she's still clinging to the old school idea that autism means the child is sitting in the corner banging his head on the wall and not in this world at all. We're slowly dragging her into current knowledge.

General family have been okay, if a bit puzzled, I think again from lack of knowledge. If anyone says anything negative or are doubting, I'm not going to rise to the bait. As far as I'm concerned, WE know it's there and I have to agree with hanaka in that "if people don't care they are not worth caring about." I don't have time to "convince" people of his disabilities. Either they believe it or they don't. Not my problem. (Can you tell I'm in the midst of paperwork overload and reaching a "don't have time for horrible people" mentality? )

There will ALWAYS be people who are skeptical. Ignore them. Either they will come around or they won't.

You are right I need to ignore the negative comments and focus of what I can do to help him more.

But I do need to talk to my mum about comments she makes to him.

Yes, I would definitely tell her that making comments to him is simply unacceptable and won't be tolerated. Frankly, if she is a sen assistant, she should know better than to make these types of comments to your child.

Really feel for you LadyEvenstar as if things aint bad enough it must be so much worse when your own mum & sister dont think there is anything wrong with your choild. You really need their support not them telling you there is nothing wrong. My mum really is a diamond love her to pieces she is great support and will help with my ds when noone else ever does. Your mum must be in denial.

She is definatly in denial. DS1 is the first grandchild - the blue eyed wonder who can do no wrong.

She has him as in looks after him every weekend but at hers he is different he controls himself and when he gets home he is like a pressure cooker exploding.

I am off out now with DS2 to a farm, will be back later covered in mud no doubt lol

My DS is the youngest grandchild and whatever he does is perfect. My mother doesn't accept his difficulties really, despite the fact that he has a Statement. Only good thing is that she lives an hour and a half away so we just let her see him when it suits us and leave when things get tricky.
I didn't get any support from her with my NT DCs (she lived three hours away then) so I suppose I just let her get on with it.
Sad if you are used to a close relationship with your Mum though.

Hope you enjoy farm, lol. Kids behave different in different places whether they are NT or SN. My ds is apparently doing brilliant in school, however to me at home i think he is still like a baby (although he's 10), he cant do anything for himself. In school he has started drinking from a cup, at home he just tips cup up. In school he has started using a loaded spoon and can get to his mouth by himself, at home he just throws spoon away and uses hands. And my ds behaves so much better for dh than he does me, so perhaps your ds acts different with your mum than he does at home. Having said that i'm sure there are definite signs of his problems that gran just chooses to ignore , if she cant see it then its not happening.

Starterfor perhaps you should stay on longer at your mums especially when things get tricky, then she will realise that he does have difficulties. Better still, why not leave him with her for couple of hours then she will know what your talking about

I have a problem with mil she is persistantly told by a friend that my son isnt autistic when he clearly is either that or im claiming dla, doing earlybird etc for fun