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Original poster

Advice on Approaching a SN's Mum

15 replies

caspered · 21/02/2011 19:58

I need some advice please. My DD, in class one at school and is friendly with a little girl who is diagnosed with autism and has a teaching assistant supporting her in class. My DD has been asked to be her 'talking partner' and she is delighted to do it. They get on very well and she appears to be very keen on my younger DD when we meet at the 'schoolgate'. Now, under 'normal' circumstances (whatever they areGrin) I would ask this little girl to come and have a play at our house. BUT this little girl's parents are never at the school, she is brought to school in a taxis by a professional carer and picked up by another professional carer. The only time I have seen her Mother is at the latest parents evening. I was chatting to this little girl and we were playing with lego (don't need to know this, but hey ho...) and I went to approach her Mother to have a chat, but she completely blanked me and just walked off and called her DD after her. Now I don't want to give up, but how do I approach this? I thought about putting a note in her school bag, but started getting my knickers in a twist about things like, does she have a special diet/routine, how is she with noise? (our house is very noisy!) How is she with dogs? (we have two very large dogs?) etc etc and this is not really something I want to ask in an impersonal letter....I don't even know if she lives nearby or miles away. I have asked all the other 'usual suspects' Mums who regularly have children over to play and no-one has because of the same reasons....ADVICE PLEASE!! Don't want to come across as patronising or goody two shoes, think I need a slap in the face with a wet fish and some idea on how to move forward. Please! Thanks Grin

OP posts:
RIZZ0 · 21/02/2011 20:02

The mother doesn't sound keen to socialise TBH.

But if you want to invite her why not just invite her, then if you get a yes, ask the relevant questions then? Although I imagine you'd be provided with the info when it was needed anyway.

Original poster
caspered · 21/02/2011 20:11

I thought that as well, but who do I ask? Should I put a letter in the school bag as I assume that the 'professional carers' wouldn't be able to tell me anything.

OP posts:
coff33pot · 21/02/2011 20:12

Well maybe the mother just doesnt want contact or is just plain aloof or like me sick of stares and the "she doesnt know how to look after her child" or "oooh hes different!" so tend to avoid convos of any kind.

Best way possible would be to write a letter on a gift card so it looks casual. Just state the obvious that your little girl has become her dds partner and they really get on so well. That your dd wants to invite her to play and have tea and if it is ok could you give me a ring? and put your number there.

If she phones you have only got to say casualy what her childs favourite meal and drink is you dont need to go indepth into it as I am sure the mother would say if she has allergies of any kind. Then in convo you could just state we take the dogs for a walk after school does your dd like dogs?

If she doesnt then leave it at that and respect her wishes :)

Goblinchild · 21/02/2011 20:18

Usually if someone makes a beeline for you it's to complain about your child for some infringement, or to ask about the weirdness.
A card sounds like a good approach, and even if the visit isn't possible, it was a good thought and I'd be delighted at the motive behind it if I was that parent.

Original poster
caspered · 21/02/2011 20:19

Oooo that's really useful! I like the tone of that it doesn't come across as too nosy. I will make a note of what you have said and stick a card in her bag. Thanks really appreciate it

OP posts:
tabulahrasa · 21/02/2011 20:20

I was going to say send a card or an invitation, because children like having stuff like that anyway

Eveiebaby · 21/02/2011 20:33

I would just keep it brief eg our daughters are friendly we would love if *** could come for tea my number is ....

It may not be possible for a number of reasons eg noise, the child may not like to go to new places, etc... but I'm sure the mother will be pleased with the gesture

bettyboop63 · 21/02/2011 20:42

i agree with coff33pot this is what ive always done an invite for tea and phone number and as coff33pot says if shes interested she will ring i'd also say i understand your DD is autistic and would you like to come too the first time for coffee and a chat to make sure shes ok , my DS is autistic and DH is disabled nothing wrong with being honest and upfront in fact when people see my DH in his wheelchair i know he much prefers kids to just be outright and ask Rather than stares and funny looks and thats how ive brought my kids up too if they see someone with a disability and they say mummy why does that man look like that ect ect i tell them go and chat to him/her and ask politely , its nicer than the other way people react as if your a freak show or invisible thats much worse , maybe shes afraid becuse shes been hurt so many times by parents i certainly know i haveSad give it a whirl n good luck

DameEdnaBeverage · 21/02/2011 20:44

Aww you sound really kind caspered. I would be really pleased if anyone went to the trouble to invite my ds to tea (never gets invited anywhere Sad). Hope you get a positive response.

bochead · 21/02/2011 20:46

The poor Mum's probably had it up to here with the pointed finger brigade. Pop a friendly note in the little girls bag, with your phone number, address & email and ask the Mum if she'd like to have a cup of tea with you one Sunday afternnon while the girls play.

She may have been expecting you to have a moan at her, so avoided you inadvertendly or she may just be shy. For all you know there's a Mum behind that stony facade that'll burst into tears of relief on reading your note at the thought of her child having a "normal friendship", and herself one adult who isn't out to judge her.

lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 21/02/2011 21:29

I too would send a card, asking if she would like to come to tea and leave a mobile number for mum to phone or text.
I had something simular last year, and got this note home. DD1 has Autism and is very worried about the unknown so wont go anywhere new without me :( I explained this to mum and suggested maybe we meet at a park somewhere first to get to know DD1 but this was met with a "you weirdo" look and she never mentioned it again :(

Al1son · 21/02/2011 21:50

I might give the note to her TA, ask her to put it in her bag and she may be able to write in her home-school diary that it is in there and back up how well the girls get on.

As the TA will also probably know the family well she might be able to give you a tip on how best to approach them. She won't be able to tell you about the family or child obviously but may be able to say whether a note from you are some communication from the school is the best way to start things off.

starfishmummy · 21/02/2011 23:06

I think it might be worth giving the Mum the benefit of the doubt - maybe she was concentrating too hard on getting her DD's attention that she didn't realise you wanted to speak.

tabulahrasa · 22/02/2011 00:19

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt because it was parent's evening - they're not always the best of times, lol

starterfor10 · 22/02/2011 09:47

tabulahrasa good point. I used to avoid talking to people at Parents' Eve when my DS was in Primary because I knew the parents were always talking about how odd he was (no diagnosis at that stage) and the strain of not crying in front of the teacher just meant I couldn't go into normal "chat" mode, but actually I'm quite friendly Grin

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