Aspergers/autism need help please

[noddyholder]

I have a bit of a problem atm as I have a mature student on a temporary basis who has been with us a couple of weeks and has been offered several places on campus but has turned them down.We only found out as I phoned the accomodation office to ask why he hadn't been housed yet.It now transpires that he is either autistic or aspergers and has not declared it to the uni or to the accomodation office.I have no problem with this as I suspected his behaviour was not usual for a 30 yr old man but he doesn't want to leave us now and we don't want a permamnent lodger,the accomodation officer said she would call him in and say we weren't comfortable with him and he has to goI said no to that and would prefer not to be so harsh.Any advice on how to approach him He rarely leaves his room and cooks at midnight etc just to avoid us He never speaks to anyone and is on his computer 24/7.He is also stocking up huge amounts of food which is all the same ie boxes and boxes of cereal.His room has never been cleaned but I can't get in to do it so have left it.I don't want to hurt his feelings but the college are saying I am too involved emotionally and I have to just kick him out!Help me I know a lot of you are more au fait with all this than me xxx

Oh God, this will probably be my DS1 in 20 years' time.

No suggestions really, other than to sit down with him and try and explore a bit more why he doesn't want to move out and what you could do to help, perhaps? As you probably know, people with an ASD do tend to find change very difficult to cope with. He probably feels as if moving to stay with you has been a lot to cope with and he's very daunted by the thought of anotehr move, especially if it is to a busy campus.

My dp did speak to him and he is under the impression the college will have a self contained flat for him in 2 weeks but I have spoken to them and they don't have one but have offered him other rooms which he won't take.He says he has had trouble with mixed houses in the past but we weren't told any of this before he moved in.I am really stressed about this as I feel so guilty but he can't live with us his hours are too odd and he keeps us awake with all his computers etc

hello noddy, i have aspergers and i think the best way to handle this is not to beat around the bush but to tell him that his hours are not what you are used to and its causing you to lose sleep etc, he probably doesnt even realise that what he is doing is not the norm-its just his way and his routine BUT you need to tell him straight in a nice way as us aspergers dont always understand hints!!!!

I do feel for both of you, you and him.

How did you find out he has an autistic spectrum disorder? And do you think that if the university office knew, they would allocate him somewhere self-contained?

The university office do know but they don't have any places like that

Is he likely to get really upset/more withdrawn if I just tell him he has 2 weeks to take up the university offer?Could this cause him real anxiety?

Aspergers people are often funny about Hall ime. you'll have to be blunt though (but not unkind), he won't understand either! Subtleties are of no use here

This is where I am struggling Knowing what is blunt and what is rude iykwim.He signed up for halls when he applied and what Brighton do is place students with families locally for a couple of weeks while they allocate the places Will he freak out if I tell him?Don't want a bad atmosphere in the house tbh as am quite knackered atm

According to websites re aspergers Halls is totally unsuitable for most sufferers so I am at a loss now His dad has been here a few times and I feel we should have known about this but now I just need to sit him down like you say and be totally honest

Well, you have a couple of options. Either you can go to the Uni welfare people and request that they make him priority for self contained accomodation (which he should be- my Son has AS and there's no way he could do halls), or you can sit him down and say straight - 'We've enjoyed having you here for X long, but it is time now for you to move on.'. You could add 'How can I help you to do this' if you want, don't say 'I'll do what I can to help'- coz to him that means letting him stay put! If he was NT he might alter his routines, but that is frankly highly unlikely here

The NAS website (National Autistic Sociry) offer a telephone helpline where they could advise you what he should be entitled to in regards to accomodation etc.

However, he IS 30! It really is hias responsibility to inform Uni about this, Uni's tend to make a priority of people who disclose these things when hall allocation first comes up, but they have their hands tied once it has all been allocated.

You DO have the option of calling his Dad too. He could contact the Council regarding a flatlet or whatever is deemed appropriate.

Most Uni's have a mature student advisor, student support or someone outside accomodation services that would be an appropriate contact- deatils should be on their website.

Finally, I think you are GREAT for being so supportive of him, but do remember he isn't your responsibility. The Uni , Social Services, his Father... whatever, they all need to be doing more to help this man with what is, at the end of the day, a fairly typical AS dilemma.

That sounds like really good advice, peachyclair.

Thanks peachyclair I am going to tackle this tomorrow as I have worn myself out worrying

I just want to ask another quick question.I went in to his room yesterday as I am supposed to clean it and he won't let me!He has all his socks hanging in a rail military style and he has a selection of penknives also lined up very neat.There are about 30 empty boxes of breadsticks and oatcakes also lined up on the floor.Last week they weren't all lined up like this so does this mean anything that he has suddenly done this?Is it stress?Still waiting for him to view the rooms he has now been offered otherwise will ask him direct just to go I am getting freaked out by him now I think its the knives and socks that have done it Also he has started having about 5 or 6 different alarm clocks going off every 20 mins or so between 7 and 9

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