i dont think i can take much more

[pinkstarlight]

since christmas my son has changed so much its like hes become a different person,we have always been very close and now its like i dont know him anymore.

it started with he suddenly hates school begging me to homeschool him,then he hated his TA excusing her of bullying him,then he hated his sister and now he hates me. i have no idea whats going on but he keeps transfering what ever his problem is.he cant express himself emotionally but he keeps crying and is full of anger normally hes one of the most placid kids you would ever meet.

for the last week my son keeps saying non stop he hates me and wants to live with his dad,his dad only lives round the corner and my son suddenly taken to going round everyday where normally he only sees him twice a week for a couple of hours.his older sister has told me that my x is encouraging him to go round and is loving this situation and from comments he has made is only trying to get one up on me.

ihave talked to my x and hes telling me hes only trying to help and that hes told my son he can come to see him everyday if he wants.

this situation has got worse over the weekend on saturday my x brought him home,i poped upstairs came downstairs and my son had run back to his dads.there had been no arguments,shouting or nothing no obvious reason why he went back round. when i got there he was cring his eyes out but he couldnt explain why.

yesterday morning he went round his dads again this time he was brought back after an hour as his dad said he needed to pop out and when he got back he would be going back to bed as he didnt feel well.my son refused to come in the house sat on the front door step crying his eyes out saying he wanted his dad when i rang my x he just didnt want to know pointing out he had seen him everyday for a week and it was my problem.

he settled down over a couple of hours but every now and then he said i still want to live with dad.

the reality is apart from the fact my x has no room for him he sleeps on his mums settee he has a drink problem and related health problems hes also a nasty drunk.i also know hes told thekids he hasnt got many years left which i suspect is troubling my son but he still continues to drink.

i have been to the doctors who say my son is stressed and its school related so contact the school.the school say they to are really struggling with him but dont wish to involve anyone as they say he would be removed from the school.

hes much better today but keeps saying everyone hates him,in the last 3 days hes broke my recliner settee,my paper rack by sitting in it and ive just come to the desktop to discover hes snapped in half the shelf that holds the printer and hes thrown a coffee table at the dog for barking at the postman.i cant ignore these things but everytime i have to tell him he runs to his dad.

i have tried very hard to be a good mum but i cant make any sense of why he suddenly hates me,hes in a much better mood today but still going on about his dad only this time saying his dad has no time for him(hes at work)i have tried talking to him and he either says i cant hear you or he says tell me whats the right answer or are you upset.

my nerves are shot i dont think i can take much more.

Hi, not sure how much help I can be, but I didn't want you to go unanswered.

I can say however, that when I was a child and my parents were separated, then divorced I used to regularly run away and either try and get to my Dad or call him to come and fetch me. I was exactly the same, my Mum couldn't so much as look at me sideways or tell me off legitamitely for something I'd done wrong and I'd be off.

My Dad was pretty much a Dad in name only. There was no way I could ever have lived with him and he wouldn't have wanted me to anyway.

Looking back, I think having another parent who didn't live with us, meant whenever things weren't going my way, at home or at school, I had a little fantasy going on about how it would all be better if I lived with my Dad. Deep down I knew it wouldn't be, it was just a form escapism from a situation I felt I couldn't escape any other way.

In my case, I was bullied at school and used to dream of going all over the country in my Dad's lorry. Totally unrealistic, but a lovely dream to hang onto.

Somewhere tangled up in all that was the knowledge that in all honesty, my Dad didn't actually want me and I think in some way I was trying to make him want me, by constantly making him aware that I needed him.

At a more basic level, Dad's just seemed like a better option than home, as when I was at his house I watched, tv, ate takeaways and was pretty much left to my own devices, whereas at home there was rules, homework and a strict bedtime etc.

I'm not sure if your ds has SNs, but my ds (aged 8 with a dx of AS) often tells us he thinks we hate him or that we love the other dc's more. This usually turns out to be because he's misread a situation or can't see that we treat them all fairly and feels disproportionately scolded etc. In reality, this means that he gets more time, attention and treats than his siblings, as he needs it more, but he just doesn't see it. No matter how much we give, he always wants/needs more. I have been known to say to dh that it's like trying to fill a black hole - nothing will ever be enough and its totally exhausting.

Sorry, not much practical advice, but I hope you have a better day today.

thanks for your reply i very much doubt my x would want to take on the responsibility of his son as he has very little paitence.he use to see alot of the kids but over the years this has very gradually trailed off,i suspect its because as the years roll on my sons SNs are becoming more and more noticable.at the moment hes only round the corner at his mums house,his gran is always really pleased to see him so hes always made to feel welcome. if his dad had his own place i know he wouldnt bother to go out of his way to see him extra.

hes been having a tough time at school so unsure if hes taking it out on me and does tend to over react to things. like you my son gets so much more attension than his sisters and i have tried my very best to sort out school and also so he spends more time with his dad but it just feels everything is just backfiring on me.

me and my son have always had a very strong bond today hes been much better but is going from being chatty and polite to go away you moron.hes now gone to his dads first he asked me to ring him and when i did he said your trying to get rid of me.i just cant win.

Hi sorry you are having so much grief and upset.

My daughter was 3 when I left my husband and from the age of 3 to teens it was hellish.

The day she was due to go to her dads she didnt want to go and would scream the place down and the day she had to come back she didnt want to come back to me and would scream the place down again.

All through school life she didnt want to go school or leave me and they had a hell of a job to keep her there and the tantrums were amazing.

It is soooo hard but the main factor is that their world has been turned upside down and it is a divided loyalties thing. They have GOT to show they miss you and so wont go and they have GOT to show they miss dad (thats the i hate you bit) and not want to come back. Her reason that she wouldnt go school (so I found out as she got older) was that she was scared I would leave her too and no one would want her. Her dad was a drug addict so no good for her and would exagerate on telling her stupid things like he would be dead soon and he wore only black since I left and that SHE was her only friend. One morning at 3yrs I heard her awake and found her looking out the bedroom window. She said she was waiting for the sun to come up and it broke my heart that she had so much on her mind that she couldnt explain because she was so young.

Basically ride it out and it will get better. There are family services that can help your son come to terms with things so try them. I cant understand why the school said he would be removed from school if they contacted anyone else to help. If they are struggling then there is a serious issue that needs looking at bless him and the school should be trying to help not telling you he would have to leave!

When I told my dd off she used to say you hate me. Its the norm. Also as she got older she thought the grass was greener on the other side. She lasted a week before unfortunately she came down crashing realising that her dad didnt really want her and we had to get her help then.

Stick with it and get outside help to help your son yourself and in turn they will help you too. The school have got to let him have time off for personal appointments. Just tell them if they wont help you are going to do it yourself.

I really do wish you luck x

me and my x split up years ago under normal circumstances my x irritates the hell out of my son.last year he refused to see his dad for 4 months in his words his dad is a rubbish dad.

normally he sees his dad twice a week for a couple of hours and even then refuses to go and sometimes goes 3 weeks without seeing his dad as he doesnt want to go.its only been the last week hes chosen to see his dad daily

i dont think his dad is the issue here as sooner or later his dad will say something to upset him or shout at him then he will fall out with him again.his dad is being very nice to him at the moment but i know it wont last.

for weeks now i have tried to keep things calm as hes so sentive about everything if i say a simple thing like do you want a biscuit he will say are you calling me fat the next day at school he refused to eat pretending he lost his money but when he got home he came in limping and removed the money from his shoe.his behaviour is getting really strange.

How old is he pinkstarlight?

We had similar problems with my step son (well his mum was having the problems as he lives with her), when things were not going well at home/when he felt fed up, he would say he wanted to live with us (phone up crying ect), we upped the amount of time he came over, after a while we said 'stay with us for a week and see how it goes', within 3 days he had gone back home as he missed his mum . He also had problems a t school and was sent to see a pead but refussed to go, the school suspected ADHD or AS. Anyway he's now 18, dh and i have 2 dd's with AS and ASD and dss can now see that he has the same traits as DD1 (AS), he's now a lovely lad (not saying he wasn't before but he has really changed/settled), we now live just up the road from him and he comes to see us when he wants too (sometimes once a week, sometimes once a month).

hes 11 and in year 7 he left primary school a happy confident child despite his special needs,since starting secondary school things have gone downhill since christmas things have got much worse.there has been no other changes except his sister gone to uni but he still sees her all the time.

his other sister is 14 and throws a the odd tantrum but thats nothing new.

Dsd was unsettles in year 6 and 7, it didn't last too long but it was'nt nice watching him go through it, he went through a stage of pulling out his hear and was sent home one day for head butting a wall at school .

Hope things get easier soon.

he seems a bit happier since coming back from his dads and no tears,im sure hes angry with me for some reason as hes being really sweet chatting happily then its almost as if he remembers hes angry with me as he stops mid sentence and tells me to go away forgets then chats happily again.

but over the last few weeks i have been the baddie and taking him to school when hes refused to go.all he tells the school is he hates school. the other day he told school he would rather be at home in bed with his laptop which is odd because he never sits in bed with his laptop in fact he never takes himself to his bedroom as hes the kind of child who doesnt like beiong on his own so only uses his bedroom for sleeping in even.

I guess its hard, when he goes to his dad's he gets attention, your the one that has to tell him off, get him to tidy his room, take him to school ect, what he doesn't understand is 'if he lived with his dad he would be doing all those horrid things'. It will get easier as he gets older.

It sounds like your ds is a bit overwhelmed at the moment - transition to secondary school is often much harder for children with sen, things they have just about coped with at primary level are magnified at secondary and they need a lot of support to manage the change. Plus factor in a sudden dose of angry hormones as puberty is looming. Our ds is a year older and we are increasingly seeing a sweet normally placid boy have sudden angry outbursts.

School's reaction sounds dreadful and they need to acknowledge their responsabilities. If they persist in refusing to help you can self-refer to some of the outside agencies. For example you could contact the educational welfare officer directly, explaining that ds is increasingly reluctant to attend school and ask them for help in stopping the situation escalating - quote the school's reaction to them, they may suddenly find resources to help when they are aware of witnesses to their behaviour.

Does your ds have a statement? If so you could consider asking for an emergency review as it seems current provision is not meeting his needs. If not, you could apply for statutory assessment on same basis.

Is ds involved with CAMHS? I know the provison varies enormously - we had to wait almost a year to get appropriate intervention started but have found cbt useful in helping ds address anxieties and behaviour issues. You could ask gp to refer you if not already involved.

Sorry if this is stuff you've already tried. Also I agree with other posters that you unfortunately bear the brunt of his anger because you're the one he feels safe enough with to let it all out. Not that it feels flattering to be screamed at...

my son does have a statement which includes fulltime 1 to 1 support, i had to fight to keep him in mainstream school as i couldnt find a suitable special school all the experts agreed a special school would not be right for him.at the time of transfer he had no behavioural problems he was a happy and confident popular child. as the time has gone on his confidence has decreased to the point hes a completely different child,he still has his group of friends so hes fine at breaktimes etc but he chooses to no longer socialise with them out of school.

what the school are telling me is if a emergancy review is called they will be saying they cannot cope with him,the LEA will remove him from the school and the only option would be special school.obviously thats the last thing i want to happen as it will rock his confidence futher.i have asked for the EP to come to see him and they adiment at this stage they dont wish to do this.