shocked and want to cry

[Thelastnameleft]

Hi all, we have had problems with my youngest daughter since she started at nursery school really. She was a difficult baby and toddler but we coped.

Fast forward a few years, we have moved twice which I guess is unsettling for most kids really but after she didnt settle well in her new school the process began again.

It was lucky as I kept all the paperwork from her previous assessments and professional involvements as I think its helped expedite things.

Anyway, all those assessments, school meetings, meetings with school nurses, learning and language support etc culminated in a referral to a paediatrician which we had today.

Three hours later, I have just got home half an hour ago and I feel totally shell-shocked.

We have a definitive diagnosis of ADHD, and my daughter is being referred for further assessment regarding, aspergers, dyspraxia and dyslexia.

I feel like the wind has been taken from me right this minute in time and Im not sure if I want to cry or not. I'm so sorry to be sounding so pathetic about this as I have read this thread and I know there are people here dealing with far worse than I am.

I think typing this out has helped me make it real as I still cant believe it.

You do not sound pathetic.

You sound shell shocked. No matter what your suspicions are it's still shocking to have a professional agree.

Lots of us here have been through it. And still are.

Don't worry about having to 'be' anything at all. Love your DD as you always have. Be kind to yourself. Take time to take it all in.

Wine and chocolate will help.

Coming on here and asking questions will also help.

Sorry your having a tough time, this is a difficult day for you, dx hit me like a ton of bricks. Take some time to process it all, medicinal wine and at least your on the right path to get your DD some support strategies.

Its totally normal (horrible word) to feel this way all of us have felt like you and understand what your going through, you probably need a good cry some chocolate lol and a glass or two of vino, you need time to digest it, we all usually KNOW that we are going to hear these words eventually we think were prepared and still are shocked when we are finally( often after a long wait) given a DX,you are doing your best and a great job you have got the DX now the help is needed and support and possibly further DX . you may feel sad and a bit depressed for a time its like a death (sorry if not good discriptive word) your grieving for the daughter that you like all of us hoped for but let me tell you its hard work as you probably already know but its worthwhile and even more rewarding when they do do something great and achieve you will be prouder than ever for the hurdles she has had to overcome, children with SEN and disabilities (mines ASD) are when getting the help/provision they need and require and lots of love are the most wonderful children ever id like to think as difficult as it is were blessed with them as i said on a post earlier today they are rays of sunshine funny challenging never boring always black and white they notice the little things we dont see like sounds of birds ,colours , nature there lovely (this is attheir best of course) at worst a handfull but look on the bright aspects dont wallow in the horrible drudgery of ed dept/ paeds/salt they need all this but absolutely nothings more important than YOU your what she needs you big hugs and cuddles as my DS when he sees me sad says mum dont be sad or cry it upsets ME lolso he forces my lips into a grin bless chin up it WILL be ok know were here if you ever need a chat have a take away and bottle of plonk and a cry youl feel tons better and have HOPE your not alone

It is not pathetic it is perfectly reasonable. I was first told that DD1 had AS a year ago and I went into shock. I went to Tesco on the way home and ended up walking out empty handed. A year later she finally got her working diagnosis confirmed yesterday and I feel like I'm back on the emotional rollercoaster.

Finding out your child has any sort of SN can trigger a grieving process just like a bereavement. You have a lot to come to terms with so give yourself lots of space and time to do that.

I have cried many times and probably will again. I hope you've got some friendly shoulders to do this on. If not you can always get support on here.

Have you told your family? If you think you might get less than positive reactions wait until you're feeling a bit more robust. Trying to explain it is hard. I couldn't even say "Autism" or "Asperger's" for a couple of weeks.

I hope you've got hugs, wine and or chocolate on tap for tonight.

I sobbed my heart out when I got my son's proposed statement. I know from other local Mums they are like gold dust and only wrote in to apply on a bad day. It confirmed all my worst fears and made it "official".

I had to realise that no matter what I do as a Mum something just isn't "right" with my child. You know when they are first born you count every finger & toes, and then lie back to cuddle them relieved cos they are whole, hale & hearty? Well suddenly that security was gone from under my feet.

My child is still the same person he always was though, and I wouldn't swap all his eccentricities for the world, even if it did make life easier sometimes.

Haagen Daaz is half price in tescos - I rec a full tub of baileys flavour and an early night.

lol@ haagen daaz therapy probably the best therapy in the world oh hehe thats the lager add talkin

Your reaction is pretty normal. Even when you know what a diagnosis is likely to be it takes your breath away once it becomes official.

You need and [wherethehellistheiconforchocolatewhenyouneedit?]

MUMSNET!!!!
We need chocolate pleeease!!!!

Thanks so much for your lovely messages, Im still a little bit shocked but have had some red wine.. my oh is here now cooking dinner so I cant stay but will be back soon.

Cant thank you all enough for your kindness, reading these did set me off earlier.

Hasnt helped that my youngest has just gone to her dads until Monday evening either, I miss her and just want to cuddle her so much right now.

I just wanted to add my two pennurth

I remember writing a post very similar to yours last year.

My son had been dx with ASD.

He was 7 then and I had spent all his life trying to sort out his SN. We started fostering him at 8 weeks and adopted him at 2 years. I knew his birth family very well, his history etc and was fully aware that he was likely to have difficulties. At the age of around 6 mths it was thought he had cerebal palsy.

Anyway , fast forward 7 years, I work in SNs am very positive about disability, pretty clued up, all of that stuff. Dr tell me 'your son has ASD and moderate to severe LDs'

. All the feelings you describe and totally shocked that I felt them!

You are not pathetic at all. I got lots of encouragement from this part of MN. People were so generous with their time and experience.

I am sure you will too.

You are not pathetic by any means :)

Enjoy your dinner and the wine and have a good hug with oh.

I am only at the start of the road and I get days I want to cry and days I think noooo there is nothing wrong because DS has had a good day and then bang dawning his issues are all still there and I had been deluding myself.

I use the fact that at the end of the day the dx opens more doors for your child and your dd can only benefit from that. Look at it possitively that there is all to gain and nothing to lose. DS is still the same lovely girl she has always been and that hasnt changed. :)

Thank you all again :)

Im still feeling pretty down about it all and Ive been missing her this weekend but she is back tonight so I cant wait to give her a cuddle.

Im dreading telling the school, how did you approach it with them? we have all known something was not quite right regarding her concentration levels but this diagnosis could be bad for her if the school have a negative attitude wont it?

Also, something the paediatrician said that is still sinking in, she said she is likely to prescribe ritalin for my daughter and I hate the idea of medicating children but the way the doc put it, it will help her do better at school, both academically and socially, has made me think a bit more. But I still hate the idea.

I've pm ed you Thelastnameleft.
Re medicating - there are those that do - and swear by it, there are those that don't and swear by it. This news is new for you and you need to give yourself time to look into alternatives - and discuss with the paediatrician.
As far as school goes - you said in your OP that

"Anyway, all those assessments, school meetings, meetings with school nurses, learning and language support etc culminated in a referral to a paediatrician which we had today. "

I would guess by that the school has a pretty good idea as to what is going on. The next bit will be getting the school to actively support you in any decisions that you make and any strategies that should be put into place.

How do you find the communication with the school you're at? What help does your DD get at school now?

The dx won't be bad for her.

It will help school work out what is best for her.

If the school have a negative attitude - you will move her to a more supportive school.

There is no need to rush into medication. You have only just received a dx - which means there are loads and loads of things you haven't tried yet.

For example, Omega Fish Oil can dramatically improve some children, as can changes in diet, cutting out sweetners, etc, etc.

You don't need to discuss medication till you have tried all sensible alternatives and are really sure it's the right thing for her...

Try to look at this from a positive perspective (hard I know, but bear with me!)
You already knw things were not quite "right" and have been coping. Having the diagnosis will not change your DD, or how you feel about her - but it will open the door to the care and help that you need.
(and it is a lot easier to tell HCP and school staff that she has this diagnosis rather than having to detail all the problems)

Thank you everyone, you are so lovely

auntevil (thankyou for the lovely pm) you are right, I did say that you quoted and the school have been really supportive so far, I guess giving it a name shouldnt really change anything, I think my daughters teacher is quite young and I get the impression quite inexperienced, although she does seem really keen to want to help my youngest in school.

I cant fault their communication levels really, and the fact they identified the problem really early on in her school year, she started there in Sept. DD is currently on school action plus, will that change do you know?

The paediatrician said she would be advising a specialist teacher for adhd children gets in touch with them so thats one positive.

indigobell totally agree re; the meds, its still chokes me to think of having to do this to my baby. I have bought her some omega 3 stuff at the weekend and will be starting her on those. I have done a little bit of reading and there are other additives I can avoid so Ill be reading labels very carefully next time I go shopping.

starfish I am trying to loook at it more positively and you make an excellent point about the explanations. That will be easier for me now I know :)